My Husband

Being alone does not mean to feel lonely. Being alone and feeling ok with it means he is independent, wich is good. He doesnt raise his voice because he has his feeling under control, raising one's voice means that you do not have it under control. Your husband has traits that Jesus was trying to teach to others.

The usual, whatever the man does is not good enough...

She starts by praising him, bla bla bla, then of course after the flowers, comes the pot.

There is no pleasing women, whatever you do, it'S not enough.

As like most, she doesn't deserve him.

OK OP, I'm back... sorry for the quick exit. Head was pounding after reading 70 pages of crazy x-cop thread...


I have not read all in this thread but skimmed it. There is some good advice in here and bad... glp... you have to decide for yourself. The hardest part is there will be answers you will want to hear and some you don't. Natural tendency is to listen to the advice you want to hear and disregard the rest. I will speak as plainly as I can to the best of my understanding of myself.

First... You can BOTH benefit from a little help when it comes to understanding and communicating with each other.
You will benefit the most and will need to do the most.

First... Men and women are different and much of what I (or others) say, will apply to most men and women. An aspie is just a regular man. There are many ways society tags people that don't fit the mold of everyone else (normal). Aspie is one of those terms. In my opinion aspie fits people that once upon a time were referred to as a mans man. The Clint Eastwood type. We are not fluffy and mushy inside. An aspie will stand his ground period... against anyone and everyone that does not fit his core values. What an aspie believes he believes to the bone and he will protect those values and cannot be easily "broken".

Aspies are not perfect though we are perfect within ourselves compared to average. We will not "meet you half way" if it compromises or core beliefs. We would rather bring you "up to our level" and yes, that's how we see it.

A quick pause to see if you are still here in this thread.

Hello? Did you read it? Alexithymia is NOT a classified as a mental disorder but rather as a trait of some people.

In another realm, some people have the tendency to toss out a B.S. flags after skimming through a post without comprehension. Don't.

Girl, it sounds like he has Aspergers Syndrome and you do mean a lot to him. I haven't read all this thread, so I don't know, if anyone has suggested this. Make him look into your eyes and hug him. Try to make this normal behavior. This is something you are going to have to work at and tell him you need the personal contact even if he doesn't. Good luck and read up on Aspergers. Don't throw him away yet. Keep trying, because he is a good man.

It sounds like he would give you the world, if he could and i do understand how you feel. Keep working on him.

Correction, work on yourself instead of being such a fucking ego maniac.

NONE of you know what it's like to live with an Aspie! Most people need to feel the intimacy and see the eye contact. The OPs husband sound so much like my husband in some ways, because he can fix anything too and he can be so thoughtless at times. What the OP is feeling is a difference that doesn't feel normal.

And this is new behavior on his part? NO, most probably not, yet she married him. so STFU and enjoy the good life instead of having a drunk beat your ass everyday or a cheater, alcki or drug addict. NEVER SATISFIED... YOU AND YOUR PEERS ARE THE PROBLEM.

so...you married a man that you knew wasnt romantic or even overly interested in women....bit weird for you. Not so much for him as he didnt expect you to change.

Maybe he's with you because you were the only one who would want him? Now you dont want him because nobody else wants him either.

At least you dont have to be jealous, no competition. Its probably inevitable that as soon as someone you like the look of wants your attention you'll be off....which will prove to him why he shouldnt have bothered taking the wall down.

Neither of you can win really. Maybe best not to bring kids into the situation is all I can say. Unless you want them to replace the lack of emotion in the household. Maybe you wont need the I love you's if the kids bring it. Dont bet on that though as kids often copy the father....sigh. All your fault for not understanding his nature....or thinking some people are broken and cannot love. Look at Sheldon Cooper.....poor Amy.

You could always imagine you are in the arranged marriage category. That way anything he does you could be grateful for.....at least he's not out raping and pillaging.

You described perfect love in your opening statement.

Do not underestimate the LOVE that is given to you on a daily basis for "Hollywood" romance!

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

It sounds like you are an extremely fortunate woman to have a loving, caring, faithful husband that obviously not only loves you, but is still in love with you! Imagine how you or he would be if either one of you were killed tomorrow in a car accident. Now stop it and go be happy!

You have been married 5 years. You know its not you want for the rest of your life and you dont have kids yet. Get a divorce and start again...dont let it drag out for decades. Give yourself a chance. He will find someone else as he's not that fussy....you at least give yourself a chance of finding someone that can give you more. Sure he'll be disappointed...but its him or you. Its your life...do what you want to.

Not sure if the OP is still on, but you mentioned that your husband was neglected when young. Sounds to me that he is expressing his love and care for you by providing for you as he was not. Maybe, in his eyes that is everything. First things first for him. Maybe the dialogue starts there. Good luck.

PS: I don't think he has asp...whatever :)

I know what you mean OP, my husband is similar to yours. Steady as she goes.....rock solid.....takes care of everything kind of guy, completely devoted and faithful and hard working. But completely and totally retarded in the showing emotion and affection department, same as yours.

I've told him about it......many times. He will try and I see how awkward it makes him, it just doesn't come natural to him for some reason. He accepts all affection from me, but he has a difficult time with it when he tries to come to me to show affection. I think it goes back to childhood or something, maybe deep insecurity of being loved or abandoned, or something that I don't understand.

Some men are just that way, and that's ok. I'm not a perfect mate either, I got my flaws and he deals with them and loves me anyway.

Maybe he would be more comfortable in writing you a note. Ask him to write you a love letter and see if he can do it.

It just is what it is. I too wish my hubby would act like Fabio, but it ain't realistic. So, I love him anyway and try to focus on his good points instead.

We are all just humans, and we are all flawed and broken in one way or another. There is no perfect mate out there that will fill your every need. And if there were a perfect man out there someone, he wouldn't want me cause I'm not perfect either.

You won't change him. I've been with mine 13 years now, and he's still the same......lol. But he's a good man with a good heart, and really that's the most important thing.

Find a way to fill that void with something else. Volunteer at your local animal shelter, or food bank, or hospital, and get your extra hugs that way, or something like that. Work with what ya got and find a way to be happy. A good man is hard to find and it sounds like you got a good one deep down inside.

Typical self-centered wife. He was good enough when you dated him, he was good enough when you married him, now you want to change him. Obviously the problem is you not him.

You can appreciate and love his many fine qualities and have a successful marriage or you can do what most women these days do, complain, manipulate, demand, be unhappy, become depressed, gain weight, divorce him for his alleged emotional neglect, take every dime he has, enter the dating world, find your joy being passed like used clothes from one bad-boy player to the next and end up on the junk pile alone except for your cat and reruns of Oprah.

Any sane person can see the obvious choice but you are focussed on yourself and your feelings so don't waste time, create a Facebook profile, join a dating site and begin the self-destructive life of a modern feminist.

Spot on to this direction!

Men are most sensitive to sporadic AND visually stimulating "stuff."

ie silky, skimpy, soft, nice smelling and daring confidence in bedroom. Spice up the bedroom with knee highs and garter belt. Push up the girls in a corset and wait for him instead of laundry. Give him some sugar by going down on him or rubbing his back first. Then go from there. Don't go for kissing/deep kissing. Just peck him everywhere but his mouth. He'll go for it when he's ready, and he might get so wrapped up he'll forget. He'll do it after though for sure.... if you hold your confidence, don't let his flustered reaction cause you to be self conscious.... you should be able to bring out a good mans passion by being condident, having texture/visual sensation, and therefore making it apparent that you are sexy and desire *him*

If you've tried this, I apologize.... but I have a great man in his ways that are special to me, and this approach works for me. When a man
spends all his energy working hard/taking "care," he may lose the flexibility to change persona to be that random passions guy.

You working in the passion in a way that's comfortable to him will over
time improve his propensity towards intimacy/affection. The kind of guy you're describing wanting is a codependent ie controlling/jealous/tendency towards bipolar/promiscuity.... that's the downside nature of a passionate man you're imagining. Just try to appreciate that perspective when you wonder about greener pastures.

Please take this with intended spirit--to be helpful in opinion only without knowing anymore than OP.

What you are describing is very familiar to me. I've search this type of behavior as I know people like this.
It seems to be a type of borderline personality maybe. It is not normal. sorry.

A good man is hard to find and it sounds like you got a good one deep down inside.

No...don't you understand? That what she needs...a good one DEEP down inside!!!

Typical feminist blather. Get real. In general women are 75% emotional and 25% logical. Men are 75% logical and 25% emotional. That is the way we are created--different pieces of the puzzle. If you want men to be more emotional then be willing to be more manly. Become a coal miner or oil field roughneck, maybe an Alaskan crab fisherman or an infantry soldier humping 75 lbs on your back living in the dirt for 30 days without a change of clothes or a shower. No matter the feminist propaganda women can'r do the physical stuff men do and men can't do the emotional stuff women do.

I'm back... I suppose if I signed in it would make following easier...

Now you may read this stuff and think you found his problem.
You might look for more answers to "fix" him.

Here we run into a problem.

He won't be fixed, because it is not him that is broken. back to the "will not meet you half way". Given the choice of thinking and processing things the way he does or the way everyone else does... He will choose to "bring you up to his level of thinking" and to dump his way of feeling (or lack thereof) and thinking to adapt to "normal" is a step down and is not logical. This is why the burden lies on you.

He does not need or want you to "be him" or "think like him" although you probably feel that is exactly the case. He needs you only to be yourself, whoever that is, good or bad, but also understand him and his way of thinking. He will always try to explain himself to you. He does not want you to accept him and his way of thinking, he wants "needs" you to treasure it... and you should. This is how you express your love for him. He needs this. Here's the best part...
That is all he needs... not a big huge list of needs here...

We like all men are simple creatures. If you can manage to give him this one single thing (along with honesty) he will stand by you til he runs out of breath.

Women often have a list of needs and these needs are what they "give" trying to get them in return. This will fail.

If you give him these simple things you will be (to him) a part of him... not loved. He will let you all the way in.
He will confide everything in you but "needs" you to do the same... not wants... needs. Never betray his trust. If you make a mistake, tell him. If you are "in"... a mistake you think may jeopardize your relationship WILL NOT MATTER.
It may even make it stronger. Let me explain something you will disagree with...

This is only an example of black and white thinking.
You cheated on him and lied or kept it from him.
You forgot to feed the dog but told him you did.

To YOU, one is worse than another...
To HIM, they are EXACTLY the same offense.

To YOU, the first one is "about" cheating and the second "about" a dog.
To HIM NEITHER is about cheating or a dog. And one is not worse than another... because they are the same... mistakes happen. To him, you betrayed his trust PERIOD. You decided FOR HIM that he could not handle the truth and kept it from him. Never assume (even if you are right) what he will think or how he will react to something. Throw it out there and give HIM the chance to make that decision.

Here is how I might react to being lied to about either of the above, we'll go with the cheating one because I know you think that one is worse (it isn't though).
I found out you cheated but not by you. You want emotion... you got it, here it comes. I would start pacing, processing all of it... and start asking detailed questions. I'm giving (needing) you to redeem yourself.
I want to know EVERYTHING... EVERYTHING. If you answer my questions honestly... I'll keep asking. Everything you say hurts... I feel like I'm going to puke. I might storm out to get "a breath" pacing back and forth to help curb my emotion, something my logic and reason cannot control and it is uncomfortable.
As long as you confess EVERY detail truthfully, don't spare me... you may get your trust back right then and there. Because I WANT to give it to you. I understand how hard this is for you to let it all out and that will earn my respect. At the end of the day, you may have made your relationship stronger... because now you have seen what he has always wanted you to. Being open and honest is EVERYTHING and nothing else matters... He now KNOWS what before he only HOPED for. If you can tell him THAT, you can tell him anything... EVERYTHING.

Here is how I might react to you telling me the truth before I found out.
Similar to above, but because you opened up and took the chance "unprovoked" to come clean says to me... You love me. It still hurts, but remember... Being open and honest is "how I express love", that is what you just gave me, unprovoked.

Being open and honest is EVERYTHING... everything else are just details "life"... BUT no matter what you give, no matter how hard you try, WITHOUT honesty, there will never be anything else... that is the one thing that is absolutely necessary for me to build on...

If you have questions, ask.

And this is new behavior on his part? NO, most probably not, yet she married him. so STFU and enjoy the good life instead of having a drunk beat your ass everyday or a cheater, alcki or drug addict. NEVER SATISFIED... YOU AND YOUR PEERS ARE THE PROBLEM.


Correct. But alas, she will likely follow her feelings to destruction. After 3 divorces, 2 more marriages and several cases of pimping herself to a series of bad-boys, druggies and play-boys she will end up raising her 3 kids by 2 baby daddies on government assistance. But for sure her soap opera life will generate plenty of feelings. Modern woman! Let the good times roll!

Don't pretend to be empathetic. You are definitely not.

Someone with empathy would try to relate to what the OP is feeling. You on the other hand are judgmental and insulting.

The funny thing about a lot of nice guys getting all worked up saying how they come last.. In reality they aren't nice guys. They are guys who try put up a nice guy front, but behind the surface are angry people.

My 2 cents, I would get out of that marriage. Don't wait for your husband to tell you, "I love you, but not enough"

He can't give you what you want. He isn't capable, pushing will only make his illness worse.

My husband is the most unemotional,unromantic man. He seems to have no ability to feel emotions such as passion, longing, or lonliness.

My wife says the same thing but she is wrong.

The reason your husband is an exceptional man is because he feels emotions more strongly than you could ever imagine.

When a man is this way he learns early on how to contain these emotions so that he does not come off as a pansy.
After years of suppressing emotion, it becomes difficult to express it.

I think this is bad advice. At least he is not an alien...

I am in the same position as your husband. I know exactly what's happening. He loves you but is not in love. He wants out. Do him that favor.