Possible DID/MPD - Victim of Satanic Ritual Abuse & Mind Control - What's Next?

Many of you saw my other thread, Thread: Help me. I think I'm suffering from DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). - although there were a lot of naysayers and shills that for whatever reason either denied everything that I was saying as if I was just trying to get attention or sympathy or they attacked me for simply reaching out for help on this forum instead of going to talk to a doctor or therapist, which many of you know are just as corrupt as those who abused me. Despite these people that have really hurt my feelings and made this process a thousand times more difficult, I am holding my head up high a little while longer and I wanted to thank those of you who offered support and encouragement.

As of making that post I have spoken to two close members of my family and both of them were in tears and told me that they are so happy that I have come forward and confirmed what they suspected for so, so long. My parents (as well as the other abusers in my family) have been confronted but any time anyone would ask questions or demand answers my abusers would turn around and cast blame and throw stones at those who were innocent and then keep the innocent members of my family from seeing me. My abusers have also been investigated already by CPS and nothing ever came from it.

The abuse runs much deeper than SRA - I say SRA because although I don't remember any blatant occult or satanic activity the act of continually torturing, beating, humiliating and raping a child is satanic in and of itself and I say ritual because it happened on a day-to-day basis for many years. However, there was multidimensional layers of mind control programming that has been applied as well which has caused me to no longer see my abusers in a negative light. I came to accept it as part of a loving family and was rewarded greatly for it. It wasn't until I got older and started to resent them that everyone turned on me and I was discarded like a black sheep - rejected by my family and left to go fend for myself either couch surfing and staying with friends or staying in shelters.

I don't know why they are doing this to me or who they are or what they want but it is so far-reaching and goes so deep. I've dated girls in the past who later admitted to me that they were hired by my parents to date me and keep tabs on me. I've made completely random friends and acquaintances who I find out have parents who are close friends with my parents. I've had employers write reports about my work behavior and send them to my parents (as a full grown man).

Now the absolute worst thing is going on. I'm having people in my town circulate rumors about me, telling their children that they are not able to play at my house with my little brother because they don't trust their kids around me. Making me sound like I'm some kind of sick pervert or pedophile and other people in the town are asking questions about why they would say these things and pushing and pressing the issue as if to imply there must be some truth to the rumors. I'm devestated and heartbroken and I would NEVER EVER hurt a child and now my peace has been taken away. I am slowly being pushed out of my home. Out of my community. I've tried confronting these parents that have circulated these rumors and none of them are willing to talk to me, which I find odd because if I thought someone was molesting my children you better believe if that person showed up at my house asking whats going on I'd let them know!! I'm suspecting that these parents making the rumors are ALSO part of this and probably molesting and abusing their children and now that I am 'waking up' and 'deprogramming' so to speak this is a form of damage control.

I'm really at my wits end. I just want a normal life. I want to be able to keep a job. To work. To make an honest living. To have a girlfriend. A healthy relationship. To know what love feels like. To not be seen and perceived as some kind of monster. To not have people hunt me down like a witch. To not be cast out of every community like a demon. I want to be happy. I want to be accepted. I want to know what 'family' is. I want to know what 'peace' is. Everyone who has ever gotten close to me has told me the same thing. That there is a 'big black cloud' that follows me around. That I'm a 'blackhole'. A 'tsunami' or 'hurricane'. A 'destroyer'. That all I do is destroy, consume and just downright fuck up everything and everyone around me. I try to turn to God but am so condemned by the choices I've made in my past to believe he could ever love or forgive me.

Does anyone know what this feels like? People always tell me I'm not alone. But..does anyone REALLY know what this feels like?

Please don't tell me to go to a 'support group' or a 'shrink' or 'therapist'. I want to know from YOU. I want to know from the people here because this is one of the only places I feel safe. I may not feel accepted. I may be ridiculed. Mocked. Made fun of. And degraded. But I still love many of you and I love this place.

So those of you willing to help me cope and make sense of this, I thank you.

Everyone else. Well, whatever.