You want the real Chris Donner story?
You want to know what is going on?
Space Giraffes & Potato Experimentation.
I know, you're saying "wtf are you talking about..." but listen up.
Space Giraffes from the planet MartialPepsiCoWithHotSauce came to Earth on Dec 21st in search for Potatoes to mate with. That's right. Hot sweet Earth Potatoes.
When this failed [due to genetic abnormalities in our potatoes 'cuz monsanto'] they had to take our form in the shape of politicians in order to secure enough funds to create a synthetic fuel to power their Bugles shaped crafts.
This worked until about a month ago when people started noticing trans-chroma colored Giraffes with bubble helmets in pant suits during the beginning the post-election cycle.
In order to take the heat off them , they took a Potato named 'David P. Armbuckle Derkawitz the III esquire' from their earlier experimentation, gave him arms and legs, and sent him on a rampage.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENING.
THAT'S WHY NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.
AND THAT'S WHY THE ILLUMINATI IS KEEPING IT A SECRET.

Sheeple and their denial.
Space Giraffes are real and they're stealing our pantsuits.
It's all very logical and happening right in front of you.