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What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 18590366
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02/20/2013 11:29 AM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
oh and so for what to do, yeah sometimes it just people learning the hard way, could go for an intervention of sorts, tell her how much she means to yall might show her she's got people in her corner
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 20056488

She does know this, and it is of no importance to her because she has always had it. She is completely selfish and self centered right now, our thoughts and feelings are unheard.
 Quoting: GreadyGeniu$


She hates herself. She makes you think she doesn't care but the truth is that she cares so much that she is beating herself up over how she treats the people she cares about in her life.. And she hates herself for it. She hurts so much that all she can think about is her never ending pain and suffering.. Sure, it's selfish, but when you hurt emotionally don't you usually need some time out to work through it? The problem is that she can't stop hating herself long enough to do enough good deeds to realize that she can be a good person, a better person than she has always been.

If there's one piece of advice I can offer you, get her out of her "comfort zone" and doing good deeds as often as possible. Get her to feel like she's a good person every day. Eventually she'll believe it.

Also, tell her that the past doesn't equal the future.
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 11:45 AM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
 Quoting: [link to www.soberrecovery.com]


Have her read that and see what she says, OP. My guess is that she will feel relief at having her feelings written out by someone else who knows what she's going through.. Just confronting the monster head on in all its gory truth might stir her to realize she doesn't want that life..

Anyway, visit that forum for better support than you will find here, OP.
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 11:49 AM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
It's amazing how GLP has the answers to everyone's problems.

Who comes here looking for advice?

Hey OP - want her to stop drinking? tell her about all the conspiracies we discuss here!

I mean, she's drinking because the world is a garbage place, she's in school which is an institute to change your way of thinking.

Instead of seeing the shit that makes her unhappy and why she drinks you see them as normal and question her happiness.

Who the fuck can be happy in this horrible, shitty, ugly, hate-filed world?!

The answer is inside, not outside.
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 12:17 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
Is she drinking because she is depressed? You need to get her on meds if depression is the cause.

I went through this with my daughter and was stupid and didn't insist on medication. She drank because she didn't like herself. When she drank it felt better for her.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 11249205


She does take clonazepam.

Speaking of which.. is this a good drug to be on?
 Quoting: GreadyGeniu$


what the hell is she on this for?? this is hardcore drug.. she needs to take "natural" care of her body and drinking will depress her mixed with this drug it is hardcore melt down. alcohol raises the estrogen so she will get unbalanced. at the end of the day nothing to do she must hit bottom and is leagal to do so.. most parents would say my way or the highway..tough love...if she won't save herself who can?
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 12:28 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
If you can get a drug and alcohol therapist to do an intervention, that's the only possibility. She probably wouldn't go for it now -- not down in the gutter enough.

Apart from that, she's over 18 and that's that. Just acknowledge that you care and wish her well and then try to live your own life.
seer

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02/20/2013 12:31 PM

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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
she is being attacked by a "spirit" and drinks till it is able to take full possession of her.
sobriety will save her.
El Tiburon

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02/20/2013 12:47 PM

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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
1. Is she your kid op?
You made it sound like it's someone elses kid.

2. WTF is she getting the money to drink, drugs, etc?


Had a friend (a guy) who was the son of a very famous Dr....
He developed a little drinking/ coke habit. Dropped out of school, etc...

His father kicked him the fuck out, cut him off completely.
Told him he could only come back completely clean and with his head on straight.

15 years later the son is a very well respected attorney.

The Dr. didn't care if his son was a garbage man as long as he did it while sober and was happy doing it.

My friend to this day says the best thing that ever happened to him was for his father to kick him out. It's tough love, but shame is one of greatest motivators.
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 12:48 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
HIT THE ROAD JACK.
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 12:56 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
Its not the alcohol its other problems causing her to do this people often tend to blame alcohol for everything yet its usually just a symptom of something else.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 33314705


She had a great childhood. No abuse or baggage that a lot of people have to deal with on a daily basis. So I cant really think of what would cause her to drink, other than just feeling like she "needs" it more than anything else at the given moment.
 Quoting: GreadyGeniu$


Reality of adulthood can hit like a train......out of all addiction devils... .alcoholism is the top dog. Pray for her, change her environment's.....

Limit her access to alcohol.
geminilion
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02/20/2013 02:41 PM

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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
1. Is she your kid op?
You made it sound like it's someone elses kid.

2. WTF is she getting the money to drink, drugs, etc?


Had a friend (a guy) who was the son of a very famous Dr....
He developed a little drinking/ coke habit. Dropped out of school, etc...

His father kicked him the fuck out, cut him off completely.
Told him he could only come back completely clean and with his head on straight.

15 years later the son is a very well respected attorney.

The Dr. didn't care if his son was a garbage man as long as he did it while sober and was happy doing it.

My friend to this day says the best thing that ever happened to him was for his father to kick him out. It's tough love, but shame is one of greatest motivators.
 Quoting: El Tiburon


If anyone is giving her money, stop now. Also, if you know who her Dr. is I would have a talk with him about the meds. Tell him/her that she is abusing them by drinking.
..."The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you choose, what you think, and what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny ... it is the light that guides your way."
Heraclitus
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 02:42 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
piihb, that'll teach her
GreadyGeniu$ (OP)

User ID: 25206264
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02/20/2013 02:45 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
Drag her ass to a AA meeting and let those who know first hand what she is going through tell her why they wish they had the opportunities she does - before she loses them and throws her life away!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24238594


She does not think she has a problem tho.. She comes up with the stupidest things to argue her point as well. Makes no sense.

You said it yourself op.
She was passing her classes so her parents thought she was doing good but really she was just going through a deep depression and escaping by drinking.

Thats why shes drinking.

So you need to find out what made her so depressed, and what you can do to help the situation.
It must have been something pretty major, like sexual abuse.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1546575


imho -- this is bullshit.

She may just be in a funk. A very costly one.

And it doesn't matter, in any case she's got to pull herself out of it. Help is available if she is willing to accept it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 33389306


I agree. It is just a funk in my opinion too. But alcohol is a tough thing to let go of once the funk is over. She already falls back on it, I would hate to see it get worse.

Who goes off to college two months before classes start? And who paid for THAT? I doubt the binge drinking *started* at college, either way. It doesn't sound like the parents monitored what was going on with her before or after her stint away at college?

And no, you can't DO anything with an out-of-control adult. Not unless they start breaking laws.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 28649819


She was working in highschool and saved up enough money for a place in Tempe, AZ. She hadnt been drinking before that on a regular basis, but the problem did exist before that because when she would drink she would get in that alcoholic zombie state, and this was before the Benzos as well. She paid for a place for a couple months and paid for the alcohol, it wasnt hard for her to get there. But here I think some gas station must sell her beer or something.
GG.
GreadyGeniu$ (OP)

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02/20/2013 03:00 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
1. Is she your kid op?
You made it sound like it's someone elses kid.

2. WTF is she getting the money to drink, drugs, etc?


Had a friend (a guy) who was the son of a very famous Dr....
He developed a little drinking/ coke habit. Dropped out of school, etc...

His father kicked him the fuck out, cut him off completely.
Told him he could only come back completely clean and with his head on straight.

15 years later the son is a very well respected attorney.

The Dr. didn't care if his son was a garbage man as long as he did it while sober and was happy doing it.

My friend to this day says the best thing that ever happened to him was for his father to kick him out. It's tough love, but shame is one of greatest motivators.
 Quoting: El Tiburon

My sister.
GG.
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 03:03 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
Hit her with a truck. Several weeks in a hospital bed should sober her up.
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 03:08 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
I see a lot of suggestions to cut her off completely, which from a financial aspect, yes I do agree with. If you or anyone you know is supplying her with money, alcohol, parties, drugs, etc. tell them to stop immediately. Don't cut her off at anything more than a financial aspect though.

Obviously she's using alcohol as an escape. It sounds as if she's been doing it for quite some time to escape her depression. This could mean she has an introverted personality or perhaps she doesn't have any close friends to confide in about what's causing her to be depressed. Best thing I can tell you to do is to gain her trust and open up to her. Show her that everyone has vulnerabilities and goes through trials and tribulations. The next step is to talk to her about professional help. Rehab, a phschologist, or whatever depending on how bad her habit is. Unfortunately, at 19 years old, the decision of getting help is hers.

I'm just speaking from my own experiences here. I've dealt with bouts of depression for the past few years. I'm also an introvert and have trouble opening up to others. Only difference is that I've turned to the gym and lifting as a way to control my depression versus alcohol and drugs. All in all though, having a close friend is also vital to me staying sober.

Oh, and when she is cut off, beware. Many people will go to extremes and get involved in even more risky behaviours to sustain their habit. Whether it's stealing, robbery, prostitution, or whatever. If this happens, you should plan a full blown intervention and hope she's willing to heed the advice of others to seek professional help.

Best of luck to you and I'm hoping she gets her life back on track. I've watched drugs and alcohol ruin the lives of what were bright and successful people. It's always hard to watch someone throwing their future away to get their next fix while hurting others in the process.
sauron
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02/20/2013 03:16 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
I'm no psychiatrist but you think it could be a possibility she was sexually assaulted while she was away at school?
Wisconsin

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02/20/2013 03:23 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
.
... why the clonazepam?? ...
.
... just a quick google shows it is nasty! and is probably part of why this gal is having trouble with alcohol ...
.
Amos 5:13
timelines and Celebrations of Yeshua - [link to www.grafted-promise.net]
GreadyGeniu$ (OP)

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02/20/2013 03:31 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
.
... why the clonazepam?? ...
.
... just a quick google shows it is nasty! and is probably part of why this gal is having trouble with alcohol ...
.
 Quoting: Wisconsin


She started taking it because she would stress herself out really bad with little things she would get anxious about. When she originally got back from her attempt at college she said her anxiety and panic attacks caused by her made her want to drink so she started taking the Clonazepam to deal with that.
GG.
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 03:52 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
Sounds to me like she was one of those who was ALWAYS told how "GREAT" she was; how "SMART" she was; how she was just so "PERFECT" in every way ....

VOILA then she goes away and realizes that she isn't one of the "SMARTEST" people in the room; is NOT PERFECT in every way (particularly looks - other girls are prettier); she is NOT the greatest kid in the room.

VOILA her bubble of self deception was busted and she is having a very difficult time dealing with R-E-A-L-I-T-Y!!

My older son (who was raised by his mother with me excluded virtually 100% opf the time) has had those same issues, though as a male his response was different from that of most females when they go through the shock of learning that they are NOT THE GREATEST thing since sliced bread.

Girls seems to go into a more Passive/Aggressive behavioral pattern than boys when this happens, one element of which is often alcohol and/or drugs, and the other element of which is often sexual wildness.

I have seen a number of girls go through this who in the end came out OK ... and taking her out of that school and bringing her home WAS the first and correct step. The next step is CLOSE MONITORING of her behavior to try to keep the self destructive tendancies in check, or at least put a fence around them (is she on birth control? is she mixing drugs with alcohol? etc.). Intensive "counseling" is also of great help at this stage until she can come to terms with the "REAL WORLD" being very different from what her "MAKE BELIEVE WORLD" is/and hopefully "was".

Good luck!!

hf
CalmShock

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02/20/2013 04:10 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
OP, not sure if you saw my earlier post ( a bit long so maybe just glossed over) but it's something I think you should try.

It's a practical approach to dealing with addiction.

Either way, best of luck.
Patience is a virtue I just can't wait to achieve - CalmShock
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 04:25 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
molested by her father probably.
GreadyGeniu$ (OP)

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02/20/2013 05:21 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
Whatever the catalyst was, nobody really needs to know. The only thing that will help is for her to come to grips with it on her own, if she decides to talk about it, that's her choice.

Nature and animals.

I've been down a few roads myself and I can tell you that an appreciation for nature and the love of an animal can help her. They've even started using animals to reform prisoners which has had an amazing success rate.

Getting into nature will separate her from the negative influences. The fresh air and beauty is therapeutic on its own. I'd recommend a horseback riding trip. People and horses have a strange sort of connection, probably from having relied on each other for so many years. Let her have her drinks on the trip (nobody likes being forced to do anything and forcing her not to might drive her further away) but I'll bet she slows it down herself after a few days.

There are responsibilities that are required when taking care of a horse, as that horse will take care of you on the trail. A bond develops, and anyone that is in pain emotionally is really just searching for that special bond.

Right now her love is alcohol, all she needs is something else to love. Something more rewarding.

The money spent on counseling would be much better spent finding something for her to love. Even a counselor will tell you that they can't help unless the person wants to help themselves.

She'll help herself given the right tools and direction.

Try the trip. Not too short but not too long either.
You want her to want to go back. Long enough to develop a bond but not too long that she gets sick of it... Small doses till she gets hooked (pun intended). Fight addiction with addiction, but in a smarter way.
 Quoting: CalmShock

Thank you for this.
GG.
Anonymous Coward
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02/20/2013 05:31 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
I had a friend like this, though his problems started a bit younger. When he turned 18 his parents kicked him out of the house and told him he can come visit when he gets his shit together, if that's what he wants. He got his shit together, got a stable job in construction and next time saw his parents two years later, after saving enough money to buy a car. Sometimes tough love works.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 34532356


Its so hard tho. Nobody wants to kick her out, everyone just wants her home. "Tough Love" isnt going to work.. she is going to end up a victim of something horrible and never be able to recover or going to take her own life because of depression.
 Quoting: GreadyGeniu$


Sounds like something happened to her at the university. so that's where you start looking and asking questions. Most times it has to do with a boy. So go to the university and start asking her instructors, people her friends, anyone who might have known her. It
s not against the law to ask. If they ask you, then tell them a cover story, something that makes them feel as though you're on the up and up,but you're not a threat to her.
geminilion
We need more cowbell!

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02/21/2013 05:30 AM

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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
"She does not think she has a problem tho.. She comes up with the stupidest things to argue her point as well. Makes no sense."

That is classic addict behaviour...and believe me. She really doesn't think she has a problem.

If you think she is really a danger to herself I would have her committed. She can't even think clearly with the booze and a very strong drug in her system.

Better her being mad at you then dead. I wish you the best, you got some good advice here.
..."The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you choose, what you think, and what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny ... it is the light that guides your way."
Heraclitus
Anonymous Coward
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02/21/2013 05:38 AM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
If she was younger she could be forced into a rehab program, or if she waits she is going to end up getting arrested which would be good, but is there anything that can be done in the mean time before she ruins her life?
 Quoting: GreadyGeniu$


She's suffering from PTSD.

My guess is rape.


"going to end up arrested which is good"

And so you throw away a human life as if it were less than garbage.
Sir France's Beercan

User ID: 18082319
Austria
02/21/2013 05:41 AM

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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
Is she drinking because she is depressed? You need to get her on meds if depression is the cause.

I went through this with my daughter and was stupid and didn't insist on medication. She drank because she didn't like herself. When she drank it felt better for her.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 11249205


She does take clonazepam.

Speaking of which.. is this a good drug to be on?
 Quoting: GreadyGeniu$


Anyone have experience or know anyone taking this?
 Quoting: GreadyGeniu$


I know this drug is strong and absolutely should NOT be mixed with alcohol. It's dangerous and certainly results in the zombie like effects you mentioned.

Im pretty sure (from memory) that its a benzodiazepine so in the valium family. Very nasty to come of and very easy to get dependant upon.
GreadyGeniu$ (OP)

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02/21/2013 03:06 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
If she was younger she could be forced into a rehab program, or if she waits she is going to end up getting arrested which would be good, but is there anything that can be done in the mean time before she ruins her life?
 Quoting: GreadyGeniu$


She's suffering from PTSD.

My guess is rape.


"going to end up arrested which is good"

And so you throw away a human life as if it were less than garbage.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15993935


Throwing away a human life? No just trying to force sobriety for a few weeks.. Not throw away life at all.
GG.
GreadyGeniu$ (OP)

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02/21/2013 03:08 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
Thanks Zeno and Quiet One for your messages as well.
GG.
Anonymous Coward
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02/21/2013 03:13 PM
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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
So I need some help guys.. Need some advice from either parents or people who have gone through this.

The girl is 19 years old, lives at home with her parents, freshman at community college. She has been secretly drinking on an ongoing basis for the last few months. She has a serious alcohol problem, when she drinks she cant stop and becomes in a "zombie" like state, a total mess, you can see it in her eyes more than I have ever seen alcohol affect ANYONE! She has been this way since last summer, when she went off to a university and binge drank for about 2 months straight before the semester started. She didnt go to any classes and her parents had to pull her out since they were paying for the schooling.

Why does alcohol affect her like this? Is it because she established alcoholism over the summer with the binge drinking? Will she always act like this when she drinks?

Anyway, she started attending online college and her parents thought she was making progress. Instead she started isolating herself and secretly drinking in her room all night and sleeping through the days. She was passing her classes so her parents thought she was doing good but really she was just going through a deep depression and escaping by drinking.

Her parents finally caught onto her behavior and confronted her. She locked herself in her room and packed her bags and ran away with no plans. She has been binge drinking since she left and running around barefoot and completely out of her mind. Hanging with a horrible crowd doing who knows what.

She is totally out of control, but is a smart girl with a bright future. I care deeply about this girl and we need to get her into rehab but she will not want to. What can be done?
 Quoting: GreadyGeniu$


She is 19. She will sort it out. The most you can do is listen, love, and support her. She has deep pain she is running from. You cannot force her to heal, only provide a safe place to do it.
RedWhiteandBrew

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02/21/2013 03:17 PM

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Re: What to do with out-of-control 19 year old girl?
If she's so smart, kick her out. Pray that God will be with her and guide her ways. Let her work to pay her own bills while she's going to school. She knows what's best for herself, and that her parents are so dumb ... let her learn the hard way. She needs to GROW UP!
Nothing like the school of hard knocks to open ones eyes.

iamwith
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