I'm starting to think I want to die a poor man

For the last few years I'd been trying to fix all the mistakes I made in preparing myself for life as an adult, for career aspirations and making myself a great catch. None of it is real.

In college, I didn't choose a major that would be beneficial to my financial well-being. Instead, I chose to major in disciplines that for whatever reason excited me and held my attention. Stuff that I found much interest in. Those things were Anthropology, Sociology, and Religion. I learned so much from those subjects.

I went and earned a Masters' in Business Administration with a concentration in Information Systems and Management. I feel I'm a very well-rounded individual. I had a brief chat with the National Director of marketing here at my firm and she pretty much told me, without saying, that I have to seek out those with clout and kiss their asses to move up, without saying it. I can't explain how disappointed I felt after that meeting. I wanted to walk out of the building and to my car and go home. But it's not just my firm. All of the world operates in this manner. And when you see it clearly, it's enough to make you go mad.

Anyway, my point here is that I'm in a lot of debt. I am degree'd and I cannot make an affordable living. Just seems like I have to work too hard for every little thing and my soul is tired. I can't find it in my spirit to play the game necessary for making it in the world. I work with my rich mentor and his "gift" for making money stresses me out so bad. I dread coming to work and having to pretend that I want to be a part of it. I'm not even sure I want to get comfortable. I live amongst the meek. If God called for me to go now, I would leave the world without looking back. Without holding on to anything here. If I start to make good money and get comfortable, I'm afraid I won't feel as free and I will be caught in that trap. The more comfort you attain, the more you have to do to maintain it. I'm ready to go now.

I post this hear just for an ear of people who can understand where I'm coming from. I cannot express this to anyone in my life. Especially my mom. No one would understand and think I'm crazy or suicidal. Just wanted to get that out.