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Wife from Hell

 
trailingedge
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 1267095
Australia
03/06/2013 11:10 PM

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Wife from Hell
WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'


The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic fine.'

The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)


'Only when he's been drinking'
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
PsychoticSanity

User ID: 22544616
United States
03/06/2013 11:16 PM

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Re: Wife from Hell
Haha! I read this joke a couple years ago. It's a funny one. Nice post.
"Heresy is only another word for freedom of thought."
ASHA
User ID: 1557512
United States
03/06/2013 11:27 PM
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Re: Wife from Hell
WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'


The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic fine.'

The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)


'Only when he's been drinking'
 Quoting: trailingedge


chuckle
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30350159
03/06/2013 11:49 PM
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Re: Wife from Hell
Sadly, there are women just like that! cruise
Sloane

User ID: 35660698
United States
03/06/2013 11:51 PM

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Re: Wife from Hell
Made me laugh!

afrohfafro
You Are A P1 Comet
User ID: 1351603
United States
03/06/2013 11:58 PM
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Re: Wife from Hell
Sadly, there are women just like that! cruise
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 30350159





sliding through a red light in not the old brittain for the MIR EYE YACHT club departure. by the tool factory (hahahaha). In the white dress. Party with Steve and Paul and Kelly (Harington) oh is it Bristol Real Estate Appraisal on Mitchell and Dave (yeah all of them, high Nate).

Pulled over....no ticket putin though. (LOL)

Oh is that Iraq dangling from your nose.

Yeah ignore my loud radio.

Nice female cop.

(everyone read Born Under The Black Ensign) and you betcha its a Tom Cruise moment.

Mars is in control. Spirit? Yeah its not for Range Rover's anymore.

Did I ever tell you about the potatoe that I nuked too much and what color the outside was and how much it shrank and gee that mass changed too and the inside went from solid matter to plasma to vapor to gone. totally just a hard outside crust.

Hay can I teach Geophysics now or what.



Anyway that was the fate of other planets. Don't let it be yours.

Earth? Yeah, I'm still on it.

Hay NASA daughter from the beginning still on earth, wonder why.

Prolly because there is nowhere better to be.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1139115
Canada
03/07/2013 12:08 AM
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Re: Wife from Hell
Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I re leased all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.& nbsp;

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!


---
Astral Goat
From the deep space petting zoo...

User ID: 14380192
United States
03/07/2013 12:10 AM

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Re: Wife from Hell
You got me to crack a smile.

Damn you.









j/k hehe

Last Edited by Astral Goat on 03/07/2013 12:10 AM
[link to nextgenfmradio.com] Radio for weirdos
[link to nextgenfmradio.com] NEXTCAST Weather Reports

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I wanna do what has never been done
I wanna light the spark,
The beats in a million hearts
I wanna dance with my boys & my girls,
Dance like we're gonna take over the world!
All in the name of LOVE!
I wanna get me some
Weasel Keeper

User ID: 35570275
United States
03/07/2013 12:16 AM
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Re: Wife from Hell
Sadly, there are women just like that! cruise
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 30350159





sliding through a red light in not the old brittain for the MIR EYE YACHT club departure. by the tool factory (hahahaha). In the white dress. Party with Steve and Paul and Kelly (Harington) oh is it Bristol Real Estate Appraisal on Mitchell and Dave (yeah all of them, high Nate).

Pulled over....no ticket putin though. (LOL)

Oh is that Iraq dangling from your nose.

Yeah ignore my loud radio.

Nice female cop.

(everyone read Born Under The Black Ensign) and you betcha its a Tom Cruise moment.

Mars is in control. Spirit? Yeah its not for Range Rover's anymore.

Did I ever tell you about the potatoe that I nuked too much and what color the outside was and how much it shrank and gee that mass changed too and the inside went from solid matter to plasma to vapor to gone. totally just a hard outside crust.

Hay can I teach Geophysics now or what.



Anyway that was the fate of other planets. Don't let it be yours.

Earth? Yeah, I'm still on it.

Hay NASA daughter from the beginning still on earth, wonder why.

Prolly because there is nowhere better to be.
 Quoting: You Are A P1 Comet 1351603


norespect
Wild Weasels? You've got to be shitting me!
LittleMissDictator
Femme Fatale

User ID: 21778193
United States
03/07/2013 12:21 AM

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Re: Wife from Hell
lmaolmao



Loved it!
"Start giving, and see the JOY in giving"
ChipModerator
Forum Moderator

User ID: 18591269
United States
03/07/2013 12:26 AM

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Re: Wife from Hell
WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'


The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic fine.'

The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)


'Only when he's been drinking'
 Quoting: trailingedge



She can say whatever she wants as long as she can cover her teeth with her lips. Often.

Last Edited by Chip on 03/07/2013 12:26 AM
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. ~Arthur C. Clarke

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

He's a nut-bag! Just because the fucker's got a library card doesn't make him Yoda ~David Mills ~ Se7en!

every-citizen
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 35675335
Germany
03/07/2013 01:37 AM
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Re: Wife from Hell
Dear OP, i like your adorable, cute and funny avatar and i like the wise sentence "...where thought goes energy flows..." and i like it, that you often share humorous content with us. :-)
trailingedge (OP)
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 33798325
Australia
03/07/2013 06:16 AM

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Re: Wife from Hell
Dear OP, i like your adorable, cute and funny avatar and i like the wise sentence "...where thought goes energy flows..." and i like it, that you often share humorous content with us. :-)
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 35675335


Thank you for the kind words :-)
hf
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Lilac.Nights

User ID: 8778028
United States
03/20/2013 12:43 AM

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Re: Wife from Hell
Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I re leased all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.& nbsp;

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!


---
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1139115


NOOOOOOOO
wisc_natureboy

User ID: 36527109
United States
03/20/2013 01:04 AM

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Re: Wife from Hell
...

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)


'Only when he's been drinking'
 Quoting: trailingedge


Intelligence is meaningless without loyalty.

Thanks OP.
.
-
.

We all breathe the same air.
.-.. --- ...- . / .- .-.. .-..
(love/all)
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 392895
United States
03/20/2013 01:50 AM
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Re: Wife from Hell
Officer: Sir, what's the hurry at 2AM?

Driver: I'm late for an important lecture.

Officer: What lecture?

Driver: The one I always get, when I've been at the Bar till 2AM.

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