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Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!

 
Sick and Tired
User ID: 29204297
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03/20/2013 10:20 AM
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Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
I'm a stay at home mom. I love my job, that was the agreement when we got married as my husband is very old fashioned, has his own business, and works 14 hour days 6 days a week by choice.

Sounds great huh? Comes with a price as bad as selling your soul.

For the first two years of our marriage my husband filed separate tax returns since he didn't want me to see how much money he made. Then his lawyers told him he was wasting his money doing that.

I got pregnant right away when we got married, and he controlled all the finances, and kept them hidden.

With owning your own business there is no pay check like at a regular job.

He would bring home a salary so low that we couldn't live on it, and would have tricks to pay himself more money (tax free) so we did live comfortably.

I was constantly told about how bad business was. I was a good sport, and agreed to spend our vacations with his parents, and forgo many things I thought we couldn't afford.

He had all his financial mail sent to his business, at tax time he would approach me at almost midnight asking me to quickly sign the forms as they had to be in the mail in the early morning.

I didn't work, had small children, and he would come home at 8-8:30 every night after leaving at 6am, eat and fall asleep. He never had any energy for the kids.

Great life, we were secure and he worked hard. He insisted on belonging to a fancy country club even though we couldn't afford to go out, or fix up our home.

When I first complained about this arrangement he drove two states away to speak with a shrink because he believed I mush be insane.

I stayed--why you might ask, not for the money, but because I knew he was setting me up for taking the kids away.

Now they are almost grown, we live the same.

He wanted to buy a boat, (not my thing) and said he would whether I liked it or not. I figured why shouldn't he enjoy himself on the few days he takes off a year. (sundays) and one week.

Come to find out this requires another country club membership and he is planning on spending almost what he paid for out home. All in his name and there is nothing I can do about it.

I know people like to think the money is his since he earned it. I have no money, have no access to any and have no idea about his finances.

As we are getting older this concerns me, and like I said working just wasn't an option, I don't have a skill that would pay much just when the kids were at school, I do all the things involving the care of the home and kids. And we didn't "need" the money.

Is this normal, would other wives put up with this and how to husbands manage their finances with their families and wives?

20 years of marriage, calling it quits.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 36481990
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03/20/2013 10:25 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
You need a good lawyer to see if he covered all his bases. The time is now.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 36481990
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03/20/2013 10:26 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
You're entitled to AT Least half, bearing in mind that he has the ability to earn more, while you don't.
Anonymous Coward
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03/20/2013 10:27 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Wow - as long as he provides for you, why do you complain? Seems you have more than most and works hard. What more do you want in life? Maybe sit down and talk with him about your concerns????
Anonymous Coward
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03/20/2013 10:27 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Leave his dumb controlling selfish ass and take half his shit. Get a good lawyer so he can help you stopping him from hiding assets.
goodmockingbird
In the Heart of the EF 5 Tornado Belt

User ID: 24568365
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03/20/2013 10:38 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
You need a good lawyer to see if he covered all his bases. The time is now.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 36481990


You definitely need an attorney.

There is no telling what you signed in those tax documents you did not read.
In Memory of Tyrone Woods and Glen Doherty: American Heroes, Abandoned and Betrayed.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 12780934
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03/20/2013 10:44 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
What you should do is pray and meditate with God for a week or so... however long it takes. Then once you have that done.. talk to him about your concerns, like someone else above suggested. Sounds to me like you both have major communication issues.. from the start. With enough faith, you both can fix this with time. Divorce without adultery isn't the best of ideas. Just saying. I don't know exactly how you feel.. but I'm trying to imagine. (: I know my husband won't go off my budget and it angers me.. so I can understand somewhat the frustration of finances. The thing is.. I understand why men like to handle that.. they don't want us flipping out, getting stressed, or worrying. I'm letting go on asking and helping, because after awhile.. I'm hoping he will come to me after he sees I can help with organization... So anyway my dear.. I am sorry to hear you are to the point of leaving him.. I hope you wait it out with Faith. God bless you, your children, and your husband.. and all of us. (: Take care and this too shall pass... hugs
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/20/2013 10:51 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
I do talk to him, he says it is his money and I am welcome to leave.

I have to think of my children, one is in college and one has one more year of highschool.

He bought our home with cash he earned before we got married.

He shares his business with his brother and all his friends and his brother are single. (all over 50 and never married)

He resents having a family and calls me a ball and chain even though he does what he wants whenever he wants.

He took his father on a fancy vacation when we took no vacation. He flies out of town to visit friends, I don't stop him from doing anything and I stopped complaining about my situation over 6 years ago as it only made things worse.

We got in a fight last night when he stated that everyone has textured ceilings, and when I dared to say I thought that wasn't true he blew up. He could never tolerate questioning what he says as fact.

He laughs at me, belittles me and says I know nothing since he works in the "real world" with real people and staying home leaves me ignorant of the world.

I try not to make waves, I am walking on eggshells all the time. He told me if I didn't "enjoy" his sailboat with him, he would find someone who would.

I stay to protect the children, he is the one who walked out.

I don't have access to any money for a lawyer, they require a retainer.

He is a narcissist, and I made the mistake of saying that when we were in marriage therapy years ago. He tried to prove I was one with his out of state expert who never met me.

The marriage councillor said he was a benevolent dictator to his face and my husband got so upset he made him take it back. As my husband was paying the man he backed off.

The counsellor sessions only made things unbearable as he has a huge need to be right at the expense of a relationship.

He would never admit to being a work alcoholic, and would take zero responsibility for any of our issues. He insisted he was there because he wanted me to be told by the therapist that I was wrong and he was right.

After two years of therapy (marriage) I refused to go anymore as it only served to make sure we fought once a week.

He says I'm sick not to be happy, but I'm so depressed I was thinking suicide was my only way out. I wouldn't because of my kids, but I do think about it.

Honestly I was relieved when he left. I'll spend my later years pretty broke, but for the first time I sense hope for a livable future.

He has all his friends and family convinced I'm nuts. If we had just been dating and there weren't any kids I would have left without a thought.

It is sad that our society makes women who stay at home with their kids seem like lazy criminals.
Mickeyblue
User ID: 9806228
United States
03/20/2013 10:54 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Private detective to discover all assets. Then a lawyer.
This is not a love match. He has 'hidden' things for some purpose, perhaps just the government but I suspect ottherwise.

Your instincts have told you for a very longtime that this is so. Pray but take necessary steps to take care of yourself, quietly and deliberately.

Do not discuss with friends but keep notes in a safe place as to what you have stated and what you are doing to learn about how your life really is.

Take care and do not change your way of any other thing at this time.
INFO
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03/20/2013 10:55 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Since you have not worked in 20 years you are entitled
to maintenance/support from him.
As WELL as a chunk of his retirement.

Get a good lawyer and get what you have coming or walk
with nothing.
Janine69
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03/20/2013 11:21 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Of course you have access to money for legal retainer! Your husband will have to pay and divorce lawyers will take your case. Go find à good one now. He needs to be served divorce papers at his fancy club in front of his homeys.
Be silent. Don't say another word to this man. He will have to move out. Tape record his inevitable violent threats and use that to procure à 5 year restraining order.
luckyophelia

User ID: 18046556
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03/20/2013 11:29 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
easier to say than do but...RUN
tiger1

User ID: 6269153
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03/20/2013 11:36 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Go to a lawyer. This is an abusive relationship, and you and your children deserve a lot better than this.Document EVERYTHING and write up an outline of the happenings since the day of your marraige.
What state are you in? Differant states have differant laws on the division of assetts. Basically, you are entitled to 1/2 of everything, including the value of the house after the date of marraige AFTER his purchase price before marraige is subtracted.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29204297
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03/20/2013 11:37 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Thank you all for your kind replies, I am staying put for now, the whole thing will be better if he is the one wanting it.

The way lawyers work is they do need to be paid, people borrow money and the woman's lawyers fee comes out of what she is awarded by the court. A legal divorce battle can take two years. He has a lot of methods to hide money and people willing to help him. If his lawyers and friends were successful I'd be stuck paying $60,000 worth of legal fees out of what ever I get which might be not even much more than that.

He wants to spend 0ver $200,000,k on a Yacht, $5,000 to join a club, and $5,000 yearly expenses. Meanwhile our yard and home are falling apart.

OUr kitchen was put in in the 1960's and every bathroom is from the 1920's, all the rooms are in worse condition than when we moved in.

He can prove he paid for our home with cash he had before we married, if we had bought it with money he made while we were married I could claim 1/2 after sale.

His income that he reports to taxes is less than 60,000 a year, and we spend double that yearly, so no savings from income.

I don't think it is legal to record someone without their knowledge.

He knows he has all the cards, and I don't have so much as an account #, he also has bought gold with no written record, has it in some secret safe deposit box.

Honestly before women agree to have children and not work they should have a prenup to protect them.
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

User ID: 381742
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03/20/2013 11:38 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
He allows a computer in the kitchen?
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
tiger1

User ID: 6269153
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03/20/2013 11:40 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Thank you all for your kind replies, I am staying put for now, the whole thing will be better if he is the one wanting it.

The way lawyers work is they do need to be paid, people borrow money and the woman's lawyers fee comes out of what she is awarded by the court. A legal divorce battle can take two years. He has a lot of methods to hide money and people willing to help him. If his lawyers and friends were successful I'd be stuck paying $60,000 worth of legal fees out of what ever I get which might be not even much more than that.

He wants to spend 0ver $200,000,k on a Yacht, $5,000 to join a club, and $5,000 yearly expenses. Meanwhile our yard and home are falling apart.

OUr kitchen was put in in the 1960's and every bathroom is from the 1920's, all the rooms are in worse condition than when we moved in.

He can prove he paid for our home with cash he had before we married, if we had bought it with money he made while we were married I could claim 1/2 after sale.

His income that he reports to taxes is less than 60,000 a year, and we spend double that yearly, so no savings from income.

I don't think it is legal to record someone without their knowledge.

He knows he has all the cards, and I don't have so much as an account #, he also has bought gold with no written record, has it in some secret safe deposit box.

Honestly before women agree to have children and not work they should have a prenup to protect them.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29204297


A prenup wouldn't protect you in this case. People can be very sneaky when it comes to hiding their assetts BEFORE there is a possibility of a divorce.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29204297
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03/20/2013 11:41 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
The home isn't worth much more than when he bought it. Housing crash hit us hard in Ohio.

Possibly that is why he never wanted to update the home, funny thing is you can't take it with you.
goodmockingbird
In the Heart of the EF 5 Tornado Belt

User ID: 24568365
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03/20/2013 11:42 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
I don't have access to any money for a lawyer, they require a retainer.

He is a narcissist, and I made the mistake of saying that when we were in marriage therapy years ago. He tried to prove I was one with his out of state expert who never met me.

The marriage councillor said he was a benevolent dictator to his face and my husband got so upset he made him take it back. As my husband was paying the man he backed off.

 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29204297



Many attorneys will give an initial free consultation.

Once they get a whiff of what is going on, an attorney may well take your case on a percentage basis, and "front" you the use of a private investigator.

And that marriage counsellor may well become a trusted ally. He or she could be subject to subpoena to testify to the husband's dishonesty and abuse.

If you don't do something now, before the kids are off to college or wherever, and your husband doesn't need you at home as a free babysitter, then he will just dump you when they are gone. And take his assets... all of them.

Look up Family Law Attorneys and start calling NOW!
In Memory of Tyrone Woods and Glen Doherty: American Heroes, Abandoned and Betrayed.
ACG
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03/20/2013 11:44 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Post is Reported.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/20/2013 11:44 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
He allows a computer in the kitchen?
 Quoting: BRIEF


I bought this computer with money I got from selling my parents home when they died. It is in the living room.

He uses my computer, but deletes the memory. HIs laptop and phone, and computer are not accessible to me, everything is password protected.

I'm locked out, and he keeps the checkbook locked in his office. If he died in a car crash I couldn't even pay the light bill.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/20/2013 11:46 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Post is Reported.
 Quoting: ACG 33044158



What???
Earth Daughter

User ID: 36341046
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03/20/2013 11:47 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
It sounds like he has very little trust in people, even in his own wife. It's his psychosis, not yours. Just remember that.

I don't know how you stuck around with such dishonesty over the years. I know it's for the kids and what not, but you've got yourself in the bind of being dependant. If you do divorce, he'll have to pay alimony since it was a long term marriage and you probably don't have the skills to support yourself yet.

You really need to set yourself up before you leave, however, with a solid plan and a way to find work. Not an easy thing in this economy. Good luck.
"Arrows of hate have been shot at me too, but they never hit me, because somehow they belonged to another world, with which I have no connection whatsoever." - Albert Einstein
goodmockingbird
In the Heart of the EF 5 Tornado Belt

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03/20/2013 11:48 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Thank you all for your kind replies, I am staying put for now, the whole thing will be better if he is the one wanting it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29204297


And by that time, he will have carefully and fully covered, re-covered, and fully obfuscated all of his tracks so that you have ZERO chance of getting anything.

He will want to simply kick you out onto the street with nothing as soon as the kids are grown and gone, and he no longer needs a free babysitter.

You need professional help NOW.

Consult with multiple attorneys NOW, and go with one you feel will treat you fairly, and nail his ass thoroughly.
In Memory of Tyrone Woods and Glen Doherty: American Heroes, Abandoned and Betrayed.
goodmockingbird
In the Heart of the EF 5 Tornado Belt

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03/20/2013 11:50 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
I'm locked out, and he keeps the checkbook locked in his office. If he died in a car crash I couldn't even pay the light bill.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29204297


He does not give a shit about you.

And things will just get worse.
In Memory of Tyrone Woods and Glen Doherty: American Heroes, Abandoned and Betrayed.
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

User ID: 381742
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03/20/2013 11:51 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
He allows a computer in the kitchen?
 Quoting: BRIEF


I bought this computer with money I got from selling my parents home when they died. It is in the living room.

He uses my computer, but deletes the memory. HIs laptop and phone, and computer are not accessible to me, everything is password protected.

I'm locked out, and he keeps the checkbook locked in his office. If he died in a car crash I couldn't even pay the light bill.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29204297


Sorry you married a complete dick...did he give any hints of his dickness before you two married?
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
tiger1

User ID: 6269153
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03/20/2013 11:52 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
The home isn't worth much more than when he bought it. Housing crash hit us hard in Ohio.

Possibly that is why he never wanted to update the home, funny thing is you can't take it with you.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29204297


Try snooping around for info you will need later. You have rights, remember that !!!
I had a friend who's husband was a super control freak. He gave her $15 every 2 weeks to buy personal items. He did all the grocery shopping and all the financial dealings. She was a stay-at-home mom too. She had no say so in anything, food, clothes, purchases, nothing. He also bought gold and invested heavily. He left her several times, sometimes for a few months time frame. He would leave her with no money and no access to money. Her and her 2 kids would have to live off of whatever he decided to give them. He took vacations without her also.
She never divorced him, even though he treated her terribly. He was such a jerk, when he would get home from work, he used to run his finger over the top of the door frames to see if she had dusted the whole house that particular day.
You deserve better than what you are getting, OP.

Last Edited by tiger1 on 03/20/2013 11:55 AM
tiger1

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03/20/2013 11:53 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Post is Reported.
 Quoting: ACG 33044158



What???
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29204297


Ignore the troll.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29204297
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03/20/2013 11:56 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Sorry for the spelling errors, and the bad writing. I did not sleep last night. Just as I fell asleep this morning he woke me to inquire where the toaster was!

Yes, that was my Christmas present last year-- a toaster. This year a knife sharpener.

Now I don't have a car as my son needs it for his job.

When my daughter needed a car he bought her a new one, and I drive the old one.

He had me so convinced we were in trouble my last car 7 years ago was much smaller and cheaper than the previous ones.

I don't use the "club", I mostly drive kids around cook and clean. Everyone thinks he is really great, but I know him in a different way, he will stop at nothing to "win" he believes if anything I owe him.
tiger1

User ID: 6269153
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03/20/2013 11:58 AM

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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Sorry for the spelling errors, and the bad writing. I did not sleep last night. Just as I fell asleep this morning he woke me to inquire where the toaster was!

Yes, that was my Christmas present last year-- a toaster. This year a knife sharpener.

Now I don't have a car as my son needs it for his job.

When my daughter needed a car he bought her a new one, and I drive the old one.

He had me so convinced we were in trouble my last car 7 years ago was much smaller and cheaper than the previous ones.

I don't use the "club", I mostly drive kids around cook and clean. Everyone thinks he is really great, but I know him in a different way, he will stop at nothing to "win" he believes if anything I owe him.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29204297


Are the cars in his name, or the kids?
Anonymous Coward
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03/20/2013 11:59 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
He is committing financial infidelity. Not telling you what he makes? Like he's scared your going to steal it from him or something. It would be one thing to hide money from your spouse if you might be afraid they'd not be responsible and blow it or something but another to do what he is doing. It sounds like he might be hiding more then finances from you. If not he is just plain controlling.
Anonymous Coward
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03/20/2013 11:59 AM
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Re: Husbands and Wives--hiding money, ok or no? Help!!
Leave his dumb controlling selfish ass and take half his shit. Get a good lawyer so he can help you stopping him from hiding assets.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 36545907


^^^^^^^^^DO THIS!!!!!!

and

BE strong

hf

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