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How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.

 
AnonymousGirl

User ID: 5331384
Canada
03/26/2013 03:03 PM

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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
If you know them well enough, why not just tell them what you've said in here? I've been in similar situations (sort of) where something starts to go really well, but then the guy kind of hints that he wants more (which I also do), but fear of being in a serious relationship shuts me right down. It's like a switch is flipped and I turn right off. However, I'm honest about "why" that happens, and as other people said, the ones who were truly interested, stuck around, were understanding and patient, and worked through it with me.

Honesty is the best policy. And if after you're honest with them, they don't "get it," then you just weeded out someone who would not have been good for you in the first place. :)
 Quoting: AnonymousGirl


He hasn't hinted at it. I have only known him for 2 months, and we haven't hung out. I shut down before we even got to know each other. I feel like a moron. We started off good, but when I realize he was paying me more attention, I became more quiet. I can't think of anything to say to him.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24512322


Well look at it this way, sometimes people say way too much meaningless garbage just for the sake of filling up "dead air." Enjoy the silence, maybe he will too. Let things come naturally. Go with the flow.
 Quoting: AnonymousGirl


All I ever wanted All I ever needed is herrrrrrrrre in my arms
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 35233389


hf


My Youtube Channel: [link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

"I guess I'm pretty much of a lone wolf. I don't say I don't like people at all but, to tell you the truth, I only like it then if I have a chance to look deep into their hearts and their minds." Bela Lugosi
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 34496689
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03/26/2013 03:19 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
you just gotta do whatever it takes to get out of your shell i had the same problem. btw you seem very young or asian maybe both?? eyebat lol
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29749468
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03/26/2013 03:32 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
I don't get why I shy up so hard. I know I can do it. I just don't get why I can't push through out my awkwardness. I am just sick and tired of running from guys, when I want a relationship.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24512322


are you making this up?
this is very fear based. you said your father was a negative influence in your life? have you confronted him about that do you still speak with him. maybe inside you think you are also not worthy.

if you dont do anything it will just get worse playing it in your head, id speak to your father or try going out with friends and approach random people its easier to get rejected by someone you dont know.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 34496689


I do still speak to my dad, I don't see how talking to him about it will do anything but make things worst. I am so awkward around him. It's an awkward family relationship. I have never been my true self around him. I wish I was. He is nicer to me now then when growing up. But it feels artificial...too little too late.

I talk to strangers, to get outside my comfort zone. I actually joked with the guy last Sunday when I tried to think he didn't like me. In my mind, I just figured since I am quiet, he probably has given up. Plus, he just lost his mom, I don't want to be a bother.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24512322


My dad stopped talking to me when he married my ex boyfriends mom. I was 28 when they married. Best I can tell she didn't like me and had his balls in her purse. He died in 2007 and she said to me at his funeral "I am sorry". Dad relationships can be so confusing and hurtful.
That being said, quit trying to meet men. Make friends, I had more male than women friends. The guys would end up liking me and ruin the friendship but I enjoyed their friendship.
The folks telling you the good ones are hard to catch could not be more wrong. The good one meant for you will appear and the relationship will be so easy that you will be shocked. The hard relationships are a waste of time and not meant to be!
Anonymous Coward
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United Kingdom
03/26/2013 04:16 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
You got to be you and only you can decide what is best ,i remember when i used to do the same things with my ex ,we stopped talking and i got jealous of other guys ,needless to say we finished that was 24 yrs ago ,i never forgot her or how we used to sing to each other .
You need to talk and rediscover what was there before its too late and you end up like me ,living in the past and remember ing the times we used to have .chorus
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21495402
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03/26/2013 05:38 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
Don't feel stupid OP. This is how I feel around women, all the time. In fact the first real female friend I ever had took me 12+ years to find. But being exactly like you we stayed just friends. Nothing ever came out of it because I'm shy, introverted and generally just keep to myself. She was practically hanging off of me at several points but ,me being me, i never picked up on it. I never kissed her, never actually did anything intimate besides some hugging and I guess what could be considered as cuddling but nothing else. Now, a year later, and she barely talks to me anymore, never hangs out anymore. Heck the last time she had said a word to me was over a month ago.

Being shy sucks, but genuinely not knowing what to do in a situation like that is much, much worse. Age has nothing to do with it. I'm 28 and im the same way. I was never abandoned when I was younger but I was alone. I only ever had like 1 friend. The other people I hung around with bullied me constantly due to my weight at the time. Being aged 14-16 and 245lbs i guess that happens. Kids can be awful dicks at times. Imagine having the nickname B.O beluga. It wasn't fun.

They say most people experience their first love by the age of 16. Well i'm 12 years behind. I got to the point where it was all I would think about. Every woman I saw that was even remotely attractive my mind would go nuts. Every glance in my direction was like, "oooo, shes looking at me. Maybe she'll be the one". It actually started to make me feel ill.

Not anymore. I have accepted the fact that I am what I am. I've learned to actually be proud of the fact that I am a virgin. I've learned to be proud of the fact that I don't have had a multitude of girlfriends and kids to look after. I'm proud I havent given in to this social stigma that all guys want is sex and more sex. I don't have some annoying biotch breathing down my neck for child support, alimony, money, etc. I'm not opposed to the idea of having one but it no longer dominates my thinking day in and day out. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen whether I want it to or not.

What you have to do OP is accept what is happening in your life. Find happiness in yourself first before going to find the one. Find out what makes YOU tick. Find out what makes you happy, find out what makes you shy and why. Then you will discover the way to beat it. I'm sure you are not as bad as you claim. People in our situation always exaggerate a little. Don't say I shouldn't be like this. That is saying that you should be like everyone else. Everyone is unique, everyone is great in their own way. They say when you meet the one, you will not be shy, you will not feel like running away, you will just "know". Well i for one am hoping this is true
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 24512322
United States
03/28/2013 09:20 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
Don't feel stupid OP. This is how I feel around women, all the time. In fact the first real female friend I ever had took me 12+ years to find. But being exactly like you we stayed just friends. Nothing ever came out of it because I'm shy, introverted and generally just keep to myself. She was practically hanging off of me at several points but ,me being me, i never picked up on it. I never kissed her, never actually did anything intimate besides some hugging and I guess what could be considered as cuddling but nothing else. Now, a year later, and she barely talks to me anymore, never hangs out anymore. Heck the last time she had said a word to me was over a month ago.

Being shy sucks, but genuinely not knowing what to do in a situation like that is much, much worse. Age has nothing to do with it. I'm 28 and im the same way. I was never abandoned when I was younger but I was alone. I only ever had like 1 friend. The other people I hung around with bullied me constantly due to my weight at the time. Being aged 14-16 and 245lbs i guess that happens. Kids can be awful dicks at times. Imagine having the nickname B.O beluga. It wasn't fun.

They say most people experience their first love by the age of 16. Well i'm 12 years behind. I got to the point where it was all I would think about. Every woman I saw that was even remotely attractive my mind would go nuts. Every glance in my direction was like, "oooo, shes looking at me. Maybe she'll be the one". It actually started to make me feel ill.

Not anymore. I have accepted the fact that I am what I am. I've learned to actually be proud of the fact that I am a virgin. I've learned to be proud of the fact that I don't have had a multitude of girlfriends and kids to look after. I'm proud I havent given in to this social stigma that all guys want is sex and more sex. I don't have some annoying biotch breathing down my neck for child support, alimony, money, etc. I'm not opposed to the idea of having one but it no longer dominates my thinking day in and day out. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen whether I want it to or not.

What you have to do OP is accept what is happening in your life. Find happiness in yourself first before going to find the one. Find out what makes YOU tick. Find out what makes you happy, find out what makes you shy and why. Then you will discover the way to beat it. I'm sure you are not as bad as you claim. People in our situation always exaggerate a little. Don't say I shouldn't be like this. That is saying that you should be like everyone else. Everyone is unique, everyone is great in their own way. They say when you meet the one, you will not be shy, you will not feel like running away, you will just "know". Well i for one am hoping this is true
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 21495402


I don't feel as alone.

"They" say you won't run away from the "one"? I run away when there's any type of attraction. I am sick of it.

I hate how we'll be cool one day, then the next day we are back at being awkward. We are at work, so I think we shouldn't be acting like anything. And I know, you shouldn't mess with people at work. But I work 60-70 hours. I don't meet guys anywhere else. And he's a good guy from what I see. He's awkward, not as bad as me. I don't know if maybe he just doesn't like me enough, or he's respecting me since I get so shy.

Like I don't know how to interact, show interest. I don't know how to flirt. I shut down. I feel like I have built my confidence, but I still deal with low self esteem.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for otherwise, I just could never get this right. Thanks for listening to my whining self. I feel so dorky.
Mickeyblue
User ID: 9806228
United States
03/28/2013 09:37 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
Shy is not a verb.

When dealing with people think about them not yourself and see if things get better.

You invest in something every day of your life. Some of it pays off and some does not. Take chances, you cannot lose what you do n ot have.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 24512322
United States
03/28/2013 09:38 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.



My dad stopped talking to me when he married my ex boyfriends mom. I was 28 when they married. Best I can tell she didn't like me and had his balls in her purse. He died in 2007 and she said to me at his funeral "I am sorry". Dad relationships can be so confusing and hurtful.
That being said, quit trying to meet men. Make friends, I had more male than women friends. The guys would end up liking me and ruin the friendship but I enjoyed their friendship.
The folks telling you the good ones are hard to catch could not be more wrong. The good one meant for you will appear and the relationship will be so easy that you will be shocked. The hard relationships are a waste of time and not meant to be!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24512322


That's one problem I had too, I would have guy friends, and they would want something else from me. And I didn't feel it. I wasn't looking for a spark, I just didn't feel and want it from them.

I have actually haven't tried to meet men, since it feels artificial. Though this new guy, it feels natural, but I start to shut down. I don't know if it's me, or if it's just not meant to be. I don't know how to start conversations. I don't know if it's awkward because we notice there's an attraction, or maybe me being shy and awkward is off putting. I am so bad at this, but I don't want to be alone the rest of my life.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 24512322
United States
03/28/2013 09:39 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
Shy is not a verb.

When dealing with people think about them not yourself and see if things get better.

You invest in something every day of your life. Some of it pays off and some does not. Take chances, you cannot lose what you do n ot have.
 Quoting: Mickeyblue 9806228


Wonderful advice. I remember hearing that being shy is being selfish, as you are thinking of yourself. Thank you for being positive! :) It's just what I needed to hear. :)
Maguyver

User ID: 808852
United States
03/28/2013 10:07 AM

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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
Keep in mind that one of the best 'tests' of a relationship is if you can be together and be comfortable not saying a word. Getting past the need to talk can be difficult. Just don't and be OK with that.

Another consideration...have you ever heard of 'speaking something into existance.'? It can do wonders. For instance, saying 'I love you' to someone even when, at that moment, you don't feel it can do great things for your disposition. That holds true for a number of things.

Also, this awkwardness you feel may be just you. Be wary of projecting your thoughts and feeling onto others. Be positive, too, in your mannerisms and language; that will help.

Best wishes!
(oh, since this is GLP, I have to add: this thread is worthless without pics!)

cheers

Last Edited by Maguyver on 03/28/2013 10:08 AM
Adversity is inevitable, misery is optional.

Do or do not. There is no try.

"The enemy will never attack where you are strongest...He will attack where you are weakest. If you do not know your weakest point, be certain, your enemy will." Sun Tzu
Mickeyblue
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United States
03/28/2013 10:12 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
You are welcome it was meant to be. Wish him Happy Easter and inquire what he is planning to do. It provides an opening that is very much topical now. Very impersonal but also a little personal. Pretty neutral and providing him the chance to measure his response in what he has to say back in reply.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 36635738
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03/28/2013 10:15 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
Get over it sweetie. Stop giving so much energy to that which you claim you don't want in your life.

Bottom line... It can be argued we have all been "abandoned" on this crazy planet at birth... So you are not alone.

Grow your own internal spine and start making better decisions for your future.

You create what you think about... There inlays the truth.

Deal!!
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 24512322
United States
03/28/2013 10:43 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
Keep in mind that one of the best 'tests' of a relationship is if you can be together and be comfortable not saying a word. Getting past the need to talk can be difficult. Just don't and be OK with that.

Another consideration...have you ever heard of 'speaking something into existance.'? It can do wonders. For instance, saying 'I love you' to someone even when, at that moment, you don't feel it can do great things for your disposition. That holds true for a number of things.

Also, this awkwardness you feel may be just you. Be wary of projecting your thoughts and feeling onto others. Be positive, too, in your mannerisms and language; that will help.

Best wishes!
(oh, since this is GLP, I have to add: this thread is worthless without pics!)

cheers
 Quoting: Maguyver


I think that's part of having low self esteem. It sucks. I will over think and analyze things that are unneeded. I am very pessimistic.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 37069031
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03/28/2013 11:10 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
I have so many problems. I am sorry I am coming here, but I like the responses. They are most brutally honest.

I realize I might have abandonment issues. Any time a guy will show signs he likes me, I shut down. I shy up. I can't even initiate a hi to him. Is this normal? Usually, I notice he becomes attracted to me, will try to talk to me more, and I tend to shy up even more. Then the guy will stop trying, thinking I'm not interested, when I am. I sick of being in this torture cell. I feel really dumb.

Maybe the guy doesn't like me enough to do anything, so maybe it's in my head they even like me. I get with bouts of self doubt. I hate how I shut down around guys who seem to like me, and I can't shown it back. It makes me feel really dumb.

I am 29, I shouldn't be like this. I really like this new guy, and I have made it become really awkward. He used to joke and sing to me, now I feel like I screwed it up, and it's awkward and tension. We look at each other, I catch him looking a lot, but he stopped talking more b/c I would shut down. I feel so stupid.

I am praying for help.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24512322


VERY subtly.......show him a copy of this post.

Then, walk away..........and wait.

Truth works better then neurotic mental masturbation.

No matter what.........exercise, with lots of sweat....always will balance and ground you...allowing you to enjoy the highs and the lows.

Your neurotic.

Google...herbal and homeopathic remedies for nervousness.

No matter what....ATTRACTION IS AN ILLUSION THAT WILL SHATTER ONCE YOU LIVE TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH.

THERE ARE NO HEROS, PRINCES, OR KINGS.............just wankers who have not been identifed yet.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 24512322
United States
03/29/2013 10:53 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
I have so many problems. I am sorry I am coming here, but I like the responses. They are most brutally honest.

I realize I might have abandonment issues. Any time a guy will show signs he likes me, I shut down. I shy up. I can't even initiate a hi to him. Is this normal? Usually, I notice he becomes attracted to me, will try to talk to me more, and I tend to shy up even more. Then the guy will stop trying, thinking I'm not interested, when I am. I sick of being in this torture cell. I feel really dumb.

Maybe the guy doesn't like me enough to do anything, so maybe it's in my head they even like me. I get with bouts of self doubt. I hate how I shut down around guys who seem to like me, and I can't shown it back. It makes me feel really dumb.

I am 29, I shouldn't be like this. I really like this new guy, and I have made it become really awkward. He used to joke and sing to me, now I feel like I screwed it up, and it's awkward and tension. We look at each other, I catch him looking a lot, but he stopped talking more b/c I would shut down. I feel so stupid.

I am praying for help.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24512322


VERY subtly.......show him a copy of this post.

Then, walk away..........and wait.

Truth works better then neurotic mental masturbation.

No matter what.........exercise, with lots of sweat....always will balance and ground you...allowing you to enjoy the highs and the lows.

Your neurotic.

Google...herbal and homeopathic remedies for nervousness.

No matter what....ATTRACTION IS AN ILLUSION THAT WILL SHATTER ONCE YOU LIVE TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH.

THERE ARE NO HEROS, PRINCES, OR KINGS.............just wankers who have not been identifed yet.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 37069031


So you don't believe in relationships, or are you burnt out?

This guy makes me laugh a lot, and I do that same for him. I have never had that with someone I was attracted to. It's just so scary for me. I am a very nervous person, with low self esteem. Thank you for you advice.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 36876191
United States
03/30/2013 12:24 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
The first thing you have to do is insist that your happiness and sense of self-worth is not dependent on another person. You have to feel good in your own skin first.

Talk therapy is very good for this if you get the right therapist. But it may take years you have to stick with it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 2169888


years ?
LM@O !
you could spend that AMOUNT on other stuff and feel DAMN GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF-

fk therapy therapisss_ts etc

understand we are what we are
it is what it is
and enjoy YOUR uniqueness.


you say you are shy ? BIG FREEEEEEEEEEEEKIN DEAL.

right person you won't be shy
but are you PLAYING a game like self sabotauge ?
self defeating crap ?

step back for a while and take a break and reexamine basic things
like WHY YOU NEED A BF/relationship etc.

you don't need any therapisss.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 24512322
United States
03/31/2013 08:14 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
The first thing you have to do is insist that your happiness and sense of self-worth is not dependent on another person. You have to feel good in your own skin first.

Talk therapy is very good for this if you get the right therapist. But it may take years you have to stick with it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 2169888


years ?
LM@O !
you could spend that AMOUNT on other stuff and feel DAMN GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF-

fk therapy therapisss_ts etc

understand we are what we are
it is what it is
and enjoy YOUR uniqueness.


you say you are shy ? BIG FREEEEEEEEEEEEKIN DEAL.

right person you won't be shy
but are you PLAYING a game like self sabotauge ?
self defeating crap ?

step back for a while and take a break and reexamine basic things
like WHY YOU NEED A BF/relationship etc.

you don't need any therapisss.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 36876191


I don't want one, I never felt the desire for one. The guys that liked me were never my type, since they didn't respect me, only were wanting sex. And the ones I usually liked never liked me back.

But this guy actually seems nice, and genuine. And I don't know how to respond since I honestly gave up. I would like to be friends with him at least, but it's already awkward. We'll joke here and there, but we'll get awkward really quick.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 35806305
United States
03/31/2013 08:22 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
It sounds more like intimacy and low self esteem issues.

I had these issues.
I didn't even kiss anyone until I was 19 years old and very shy during my early 20's.

It went away in my late 20's and 30's but I am a recovering love addict and this my not be you.

The first intimate experience we had was with our caregiver as infants and throughout childhood.

Chances are there were issues there with a parent(s) and it's affected you in defferent ways up until today.

It does help to go through therapy about those childhood relationships with the parent or parents or whom ever was your caregiver etc (family system dynamics)

Then do the healing work or trauma work and once you get passed that, you can work on your self esteem etc, but it takes work. It's not going to fix itself over night. That's in illusion.

You have allot of courage for reaching out. It shows you want to grow and in enough discomfort to talk about it.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 35806305
United States
03/31/2013 08:22 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
It sounds more like intimacy and low self esteem issues.

I had these issues.
I didn't even kiss anyone until I was 19 years old and very shy during my early 20's.

It went away in my late 20's and 30's but I am a recovering love addict and this my not be you.

The first intimate experience we had was with our caregiver as infants and throughout childhood.

Chances are there were issues there with a parent(s) and it's affected you in different ways up until today.

It does help to go through therapy about those childhood relationships with the parent or parents or whom ever was your caregiver etc (family system dynamics)

Then do the healing work or trauma work and once you get passed that, you can work on your self esteem etc, but it takes work. It's not going to fix itself over night. That's in illusion.

You have allot of courage for reaching out. It shows you want to grow and in enough discomfort to talk about it.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 36807600
United States
03/31/2013 08:26 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
I have so many problems. I am sorry I am coming here, but I like the responses. They are most brutally honest.

I realize I might have abandonment issues. Any time a guy will show signs he likes me, I shut down. I shy up. I can't even initiate a hi to him. Is this normal? Usually, I notice he becomes attracted to me, will try to talk to me more, and I tend to shy up even more. Then the guy will stop trying, thinking I'm not interested, when I am. I sick of being in this torture cell. I feel really dumb.

Maybe the guy doesn't like me enough to do anything, so maybe it's in my head they even like me. I get with bouts of self doubt. I hate how I shut down around guys who seem to like me, and I can't shown it back. It makes me feel really dumb.

I am 29, I shouldn't be like this. I really like this new guy, and I have made it become really awkward. He used to joke and sing to me, now I feel like I screwed it up, and it's awkward and tension. We look at each other, I catch him looking a lot, but he stopped talking more b/c I would shut down. I feel so stupid.

I am praying for help.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24512322


New guy? An infant?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 35806305
United States
03/31/2013 08:27 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
Those people that say no therapist, are very wrong.

A talk therapist is someone who you can talk to in a safe place and gives you the room and space and guidance for you to come to your own insights and solutions for yourself.

You cannot do that with a friend unless that friend is healthy.

Most people are sick and dysfunctional already so chances are talking to them won't help all that much.

If that were the case, most people would be functional and healthy because most of us have friends who we talk to.

Those who say don't get a therapist are the ones who get what they get.

If you don't want to work on yourself, that's fine, but don't complain and cry about how you can never be in a relationship if you don't even know how to have one with yourself first.

You get what you give.
NEMO666

User ID: 37200953
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03/31/2013 08:28 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
From a guy's POV you're a stuck up bitch. That's how they see you, honestly. If you really like this guy, sit down and tell him what you just told us.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
03/31/2013 08:28 PM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
I recommend looking up a author and speaker named Kathryn Alice. She extensively goes into releasing the past to move on to future relationships.
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04/02/2013 08:39 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
Those people that say no therapist, are very wrong.

A talk therapist is someone who you can talk to in a safe place and gives you the room and space and guidance for you to come to your own insights and solutions for yourself.

You cannot do that with a friend unless that friend is healthy.

Most people are sick and dysfunctional already so chances are talking to them won't help all that much.

If that were the case, most people would be functional and healthy because most of us have friends who we talk to.

Those who say don't get a therapist are the ones who get what they get.

If you don't want to work on yourself, that's fine, but don't complain and cry about how you can never be in a relationship if you don't even know how to have one with yourself first.

You get what you give.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 35806305


I went to a talk therapist just once, and I felt like she was dismissive. I tried to talk about what my dad did to me, and she just listened, had no advice for me. Like I was trying to understand my deal. She said I wasn't bad compared to others. I just needed help with self esteem. Ugh, it just annoyed me. I can't afford to go anywhere else.

I thought having a guy counselor might be better, so it would help me get over talking to males.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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04/02/2013 08:43 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
From a guy's POV you're a stuck up bitch. That's how they see you, honestly. If you really like this guy, sit down and tell him what you just told us.
 Quoting: NEMO666


I don't know him on that level to tell him I am damaged goods, that I have trust issues. I would love to be that honest, but I don't want to scare him away. He's so approachable, so kind hearted. I don't know what to do.

I know I must look stuck up, since I talk with ease with everyone else but him.

I love this scene, as they are honest, no BS act.

Anonymous Coward
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04/02/2013 08:45 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
That's a tough one, how do you abandon abandonment issues? Well shit fuck, if you don't know how to abandon something yourself then how do you even know what abandonment is?
Anonymous Coward
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04/02/2013 08:48 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
I have so many problems. I am sorry I am coming here, but I like the responses. They are most brutally honest.

I realize I might have abandonment issues. Any time a guy will show signs he likes me, I shut down. I shy up. I can't even initiate a hi to him. Is this normal? Usually, I notice he becomes attracted to me, will try to talk to me more, and I tend to shy up even more. Then the guy will stop trying, thinking I'm not interested, when I am. I sick of being in this torture cell. I feel really dumb.

Maybe the guy doesn't like me enough to do anything, so maybe it's in my head they even like me. I get with bouts of self doubt. I hate how I shut down around guys who seem to like me, and I can't shown it back. It makes me feel really dumb.

I am 29, I shouldn't be like this. I really like this new guy, and I have made it become really awkward. He used to joke and sing to me, now I feel like I screwed it up, and it's awkward and tension. We look at each other, I catch him looking a lot, but he stopped talking more b/c I would shut down. I feel so stupid.

I am praying for help.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24512322


WARNING!!! WARNING WILL ROBINSON!!!! WARNING, WARNING, WARNING - emotional black hole alert. Emotional black hole alert.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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04/02/2013 09:13 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
That's a tough one, how do you abandon abandonment issues? Well shit fuck, if you don't know how to abandon something yourself then how do you even know what abandonment is?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 36860423


I don't know. I think I have them, since I run from every guy that shows me signs he likes me. I don't understand why. I don't run from this one as much, we make each other laugh. But I lock up, and I can't proceed. I thought with time, I would be better, but I feel so shy and dumb.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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United States
04/02/2013 09:15 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24512322


WARNING!!! WARNING WILL ROBINSON!!!! WARNING, WARNING, WARNING - emotional black hole alert. Emotional black hole alert.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 5917739


I wish I was normal like other girls, who can date, flirt, get into relationships. But I can't. :( I suck at this.
Anonymous Coward
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04/02/2013 09:38 AM
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Re: How do you get over abandonment issues? I have problems where I can't move on. I make things awkward with guys all the time.
Here's an idea. Picture this guy, or any guy for that matter, to be just as insecure as you. To be just as shy and just as worried to show any true affection. Picture him going through the same thoughts of awkwardness that you experience, but trying his best to be "normal".

How would you approach him if you knew he had these troubling thoughts? How do you want HIM to approach YOU when these thoughts creep up in your head? You might be able to approach more confidently when you perceive others in this manner.

When you realize that most people are quite afraid to truly be with someone, not just to have sex but to really be with someone, then you might actually be able to approach them naturally without conflicting thoughts.

It's easy to find flaws in others and to suggest answers, but those same flaws found in yourself may not have answers appear so easily to you.

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