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I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 31128946
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03/29/2013 10:41 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.
 Quoting: Septenary Man


You are anything but an idiot. Only someone with excessive levels of intellect and compassion could have such sensitive thoughts. And for everyone who has been there, most are not brave enough to look in the mirror and admit it.

I used to be caught up in perfectionism, but not anymore. I have learned that it does matter, but not like I thought. All that really matters are the people we love. So say the things you never say. Stop and make time for those special people in your life. Say "I love you". Things are about to get ugly, and we may not have much longer to do that. God bless you.
Anonymous Coward
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03/29/2013 10:47 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
If your an idiot then I'm a genius!!!

5a
tomato
Esoteric Morgan
...in awe of many things

User ID: 26943919
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03/29/2013 11:01 PM

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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Oh, man!

All I can say is that you, of all people, are NOT a fucking Idiot.

I think your brian is overworked. Great thinking minds often suffer from overexposure to mind-blowing information. And, your tend to dig deeper than many.

THEREFORE, methinks you need a bit of a defrag...some down time.

It's my opinion that you are suffering the weight of the world on your shoulders. If you consider the Buddhist idea of detachment, or, non-attachment, you must strive to find a happy medium, one in which what you know does not effect your emotional state to the point that it diminishes, or, negates you.



Perhaps you just need to find 'quiet' within yourself at this point.

As far as the rest of the world is concerned, including friends and family, learn to ignore. I myself have gotten to the point that I keep my thoughts and personal activities private to them, since I do not want to have to 'answer' to nobody.

I hope that something I have written may help you find some peace.

hf
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/30/2013 08:46 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
chuckle


 Quoting: aether


lmao
Anonymous Coward
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03/30/2013 08:57 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.
...
 Quoting: Septenary Man


it is the understanding
the why of the word

sometimes i tell myself
flip
Anonymous Coward
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03/30/2013 10:10 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
OP,

the depression you are in...yes it is a depression, is the result of over analyzing your condition. You already know this.

as my great uncle in his 93rd year told me, 'Too much introspection can be dangerous'.


i have been in the abyss you are in many times.

you are in desperate need of a change of venue.

First:

'if you don't like where you're at, change what you are doing'. Get in your car and go somewhere you have never thought of and meet people very different than yourself.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: GET ACTIVE IN BODY. NOW. get extremely active. When you get tired, sleep. no matter what time of day. (unless your work prohibits it). Walk, run, hike, work out, see things do things. The more strenuous the better (if your heart will permit it)

Second:

this one is a bit more difficult. You are grappling with 'thought'. You MUST learn the truth of your thoughts, which is : 95% of ALL YOUR THOUGHTS DO NOT ORIGINATE FROM YOU!

yah, hard to grasp, huh? your mind and thoughts right now are going against this one...right? What thoughts are saying this? are they yours? ARE YOU SURE? !!! ARE YOU SURE?

no, you're not. you are so accustomed to being a slave to thought that you have not broken out ...so you can see the truth.

what truth? ? THE TRUTH THAT YOUR THOUGHTS ARE PART OF A FEEDBACK PROGRAM FROM YOUR EGO SELF THAT RUNS AS A RESULT OF YOUR CHOICES.

it would take me pages to explain this. I expect that after you read the above caps that your interest has been piqued.

why? because it makes sense. You know it makes sense.

if you have not read 'A course in miracles' ...for whatever reason at all...then it is time to look into it.

it will tell you about you and a practical plan on how to be free.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 37137206
United Kingdom
03/30/2013 10:12 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
i like your avatar picture op
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1880593


me too

Nevermore
 Quoting: Septenary Man


You am Da Mang!

Gnomesayin'?
~Lenore~
User ID: 34976877
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03/30/2013 10:17 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Dear OP...


The Nomad Flute


You that sang to me once sing to me now
let me hear your long lifted note
survive with me
the star is fading
I can think farther than that but I forget
do you hear me

do you still hear me
does your air
remember you
oh breath of morning
night song morning song
I have with me
all that I do not know
I have lost none of it

but I know better now
than to ask you
where you learned that music
where any of it came from
once there were lions in China

I will listen until the flute stops
and the light is old again

by, W.S. Merwin
Cutbait

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03/30/2013 11:49 AM

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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Much inspired by the feelings expressed in your post SS.

Hard to put into words that overwhelming pull to truth that drives one like you. Feels a bit stronger as of late, that pull, does it not? Every moment without exception it drives you. Walking the tightrope of discernment and clarity throughout the noise weighs heavy on the mind. Much respect for taking on and mounting that wave. Hope you are feeling more at peace today. Very valuable that energy of a larger more complete picture you feed to the 'air up there' and back to each other. Thank you!

I am usually out of sync with energies reported by most on this forum, with the exception of this week. Stomach stuff included.

To remove ones self from the noise and ground your energies in an ideal and comfortable natural setting sure helped me in the past. A connection of shared source in a way. A moment of pain and gratitude shared and released. Questions we create that bind the mind move out the way. A more vivid platform of clarity emerges within to ponder from.

But as you know, you have your own unique nature of perception that must be followed.

Just a bit of encouragement and comfort is all I can give up and just know, for each other, I am with you.

And a stupid video

[link to www.youtube.com]

Kind of feel like a piece of Cutbait on the end of a line at times I suspect

yea, lol... hence the handle, if one wondered
Integrity101

User ID: 31628188
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03/30/2013 01:01 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I wish the conversations I have with people in person were half as interesting as the collection of thoughts and discussions you have brought to this forum. The circle of people I hang with think it is strange when I talk to them about what I feel about this journey.


You are similar to the man who planted trees. Your thoughts are the seeds with endless growth potential.






We are all idiots at times.
cheers
moxiechick

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03/30/2013 01:05 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Over these last many months...many things you have written have sparked my interest and inspired me to think. This post touched me...deeply. Intellectually...there are answers...as I've no doubt you know. Perhaps reconciling with others, while important...is not the purpose. Maybe what you are experiencing is preparing you for something more emotional??...deeper empathy requires us to reach deeper within ourselves...to access and accept that which we bury deep within. To have that deep empathy with others....one MUST be able to reconcile and embrace those experiences which we harbor deep within....set them free. Yes...write them down....let them go...let yourself go. There is freedom there...peace. I hope you find it...and it makes you stronger.
~Moxie
“My religion is nature. That’s what arouses those feelings of wonder and mysticism and gratitude in me.”
Oliver Sacks
ChipModerator
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03/30/2013 01:05 PM

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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I don't know if the GLP effect will work on this one op.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. ~Arthur C. Clarke

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

He's a nut-bag! Just because the fucker's got a library card doesn't make him Yoda! ~David Mills ~ Se7en

THE PLANET IS FINE! THE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED ~George Carlin RIP

every-citizen
Anonymous Coward
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France
03/30/2013 01:06 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
its ok I am a fucking idiot too

hf
 Quoting: Dr. Acula


amen ^^
apocalypse annie

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03/30/2013 01:08 PM

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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I don't know if the GLP effect will work on this one op.
 Quoting: Chip
lol!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hugs sometimes you just have to embrace the idiocy OP. it'll pass. then you'll be older and wiser.
howdy
aether

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03/30/2013 01:08 PM

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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I don't know if the GLP effect will work on this one op.
 Quoting: Chip


damned lol
Anonymous Coward
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03/30/2013 01:10 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I see my tribe resides here on this thread.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 14874606
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03/30/2013 01:14 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.
...
 Quoting: Septenary Man


it is the understanding
the why of the word

sometimes i tell myself
flip
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 37130652


Overstand
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/30/2013 01:14 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I don't know if the GLP effect will work on this one op.
 Quoting: Chip


cruise
aether

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03/30/2013 01:19 PM

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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/30/2013 01:22 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
When I have time, I will respond to all the posts.

This was an example of just writing what I am feeling, and have been feeling, and exposing it. Hence declaring myself an idiot, as people can eventually use that information against you.

I used to feel that it was more powerful to keep things inside so others could not steer my thoughts one way or another.

Now, I know my own thoughts and I am not so inclined to turn towards another's beliefs or biases. Instead, I distill it all on my own, and drive that way. For some that have known me for awhile...well, that is the reason I have become more personal in some of my posts.

At the same time, it feels like I am putting myself out there. Like I've told others, it feels similar to walking through a crowded mall, naked.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/30/2013 01:27 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot

 Quoting: aether


ChipModerator
Forum Moderator

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03/30/2013 03:53 PM

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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I go to war with the idiot inside me. Smack him around...call him fucked up names...he calls me bully and might file charges. I say fuck him...dumb ass pussy. Whining all time...he just needs to STFU and all will be well.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. ~Arthur C. Clarke

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

He's a nut-bag! Just because the fucker's got a library card doesn't make him Yoda! ~David Mills ~ Se7en

THE PLANET IS FINE! THE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED ~George Carlin RIP

every-citizen
Anonymous Coward
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03/30/2013 04:01 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Where are you from homie???
Lulz

Anonymous Coward
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03/30/2013 04:06 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
So, SS are you stuck in the life review that never ends? Is that it?

I have the same thing.........all the time. If that's what you're talking about, I understand it and you're not an idiot.

Love you!

hf
Anonymous Coward
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03/30/2013 05:27 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
wtf

I liked Mr. Intellectual Badass, that dude was waaaaaaaaay more fun than Mr. Fucking Idiot. He coming back anytime soon?

*taps foot impatiently*


But hugs there a hug...for your weird girly side.
littlemiracles

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03/30/2013 06:52 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
its ok I am a fucking idiot too

hf
 Quoting: Dr. Acula


Me three!

hf

That probably why I gravitate to both of you chuckle
littlemiracles

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03/30/2013 06:56 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
When I have time, I will respond to all the posts.

This was an example of just writing what I am feeling, and have been feeling, and exposing it. Hence declaring myself an idiot, as people can eventually use that information against you.

I used to feel that it was more powerful to keep things inside so others could not steer my thoughts one way or another.

Now, I know my own thoughts and I am not so inclined to turn towards another's beliefs or biases. Instead, I distill it all on my own, and drive that way. For some that have known me for awhile...well, that is the reason I have become more personal in some of my posts.

At the same time, it feels like I am putting myself out there. Like I've told others, it feels similar to walking through a crowded mall, naked.
 Quoting: Septenary Man


Wow, I feel ya...
Sometimes I feel the need to let everyone "see" me, how relieving it would be, but I've found it does allow others to steer me and it comes back to bite-hard.
The Comforter
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03/30/2013 07:02 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.
 Quoting: Septenary Man


Your free brother, congrats...YOU just took a step in FAITH and Loved EVERYONE with TRUTH. Know that Love has got your front, rear guard. You are free to UNLEASH that FINGERPRINT NOW with the same HONESTY on this web page now go and UNLEASH Love to everyone you engage tomorrow and NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.

Love NEVER Fails!

Your My HERO BRO and I LOVE YOU!


hfhfbumphfhf
Anonymous Coward
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03/30/2013 07:06 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
yoda
Aspiring, I am!
Anonymous Coward
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03/30/2013 07:08 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
When you were talking about:

"Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own"

Do you mean in your dreams? If so I am experiencing the same thing lately. It is rare that I dream with people I know in them, but lately every night someone from my past shows up in my dreams. Even the lucid ones. It's been very overwhelming and disconcerting for me as they are usually pretty emotional.

Hang in there. I know the feeling you're speaking of. I would like to join the Fucking Idiot club as well. hf

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