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I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot

 
morphic oceans
User ID: 25960283
United Kingdom
03/30/2013 07:11 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.
 Quoting: Septenary Man


Look up schizoidal type disorder. These are nothing to fear but be aware of.

This is a recognised but deeply misunderstood yet totally undiagnosed symptom
littlemiracles

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03/30/2013 07:12 PM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I go to war with the idiot inside me. Smack him around...call him fucked up names...he calls me bully and might file charges. I say fuck him...dumb ass pussy. Whining all time...he just needs to STFU and all will be well.
 Quoting: Chip


I like you!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 19164215
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03/31/2013 02:09 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Where are you from homie???
Lulz


 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 19129624


Azure Lumiere 3 weeks ago

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide.And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.I carry your heart, and I carry it in mine

.- E. E. Cummings
Anonymous Coward
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03/31/2013 02:19 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
it's all good
xSZx
User ID: 2659119
United Kingdom
03/31/2013 02:27 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.
 Quoting: Septenary Man


Remain fixed upon the truthful path,
Upon which find the Understanding place,
And did such journey lead here?
The place of here and now.
Enter my domain of terrible destruction,
Except my essence, succor my presence.

'The Horrible One'
Anonymous Coward
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03/31/2013 05:27 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.
...
 Quoting: Septenary Man


it is the understanding
the why of the word

sometimes i tell myself
flip
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 37130652


Overstand
 Quoting: Septenary Man


rastawise ok
but word/image is too dominating for me

complete the revolution
and stand beside
Anonymous Coward
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Italy
03/31/2013 05:57 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot

can't it be just a problem of money ?


awhore
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03/31/2013 06:02 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
When you were talking about:

"Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own"

Do you mean in your dreams? If so I am experiencing the same thing lately. It is rare that I dream with people I know in them, but lately every night someone from my past shows up in my dreams. Even the lucid ones. It's been very overwhelming and disconcerting for me as they are usually pretty emotional.

Hang in there. I know the feeling you're speaking of. I would like to join the Fucking Idiot club as well. hf
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 12506015


Yes, in my dreams, lucid or otherwise. Constantly, with everyone I know, and many I do not.
xSZx
User ID: 2659119
United Kingdom
03/31/2013 06:03 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.
 Quoting: Septenary Man


Remain fixed upon the truthful path,
Upon which find the Understanding place,
And did such journey lead here?
The place of here and now.
Enter my domain of terrible destruction,
Except my essence, succor my presence.

'The Horrible One'
 Quoting: xSZx 2659119
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:03 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot

can't it be just a problem of money ?


awhore
 Quoting: (=-> 4 <-=)


Money is always a problem, isn't it?
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:05 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I go to war with the idiot inside me. Smack him around...call him fucked up names...he calls me bully and might file charges. I say fuck him...dumb ass pussy. Whining all time...he just needs to STFU and all will be well.
 Quoting: Chip


I like you!
 Quoting: littlemiracles


I like him too.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:11 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Society is rotten right now, everyone thinks they hold the only truth and love to give life lessons to everyone who is against their opinion...

In my opinion, show everyone the middle finger, be yourself and be happy.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 37014387


Besides showing the finger, that is what I do. I used to have enough angst to do that.

But yes, you are exactly correct in my opinion.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:13 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
This is the point in life where I said enough was enough.

I looked to the heavens and said with all sincerity, YOU are my maker!

Do with me what you will.

And a calm settled over me for I had relinquished my life and trusted forevermore that what ever purpose for which I was created would be fulfilled.

With that, what is there to worry about?

It is a new beginning.

A new birth.

I became a new being.


God bless you my friend.

And may you find the peace you are searching for.
 Quoting: IAMIAM


Thanks IAMIAM, didn't expect this reply from you. thumbs

God bless you, friend.
Anonymous Coward
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03/31/2013 06:13 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
be lucky you have the ability to still self reflect.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:15 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Oh Sept...dude...we are all fucking idiots. Don't be low. Pick up yor head. 'everyting gon be awlll reet.' (say this like a Jamaican 3 times out loud).
Then you can truly declare yourself a fucking idiot.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 31510799


I'm not really low, just trying to feel my way through all of this. At times, when speaking of introspection, it tends to sound depressing or low or whatever, but it's not...though I will be the first to admit, it used to be. Went through a lot of it in the past.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:16 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
be lucky you have the ability to still self reflect.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 34496689


I do it non-stop, and much of the time it has become second nature. Which is the entire reason I started doing it so much in the first place, so it naturally would occur and it would not have to be something I had to 'work' on to be actively reflective of self.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:17 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
I'm right there with you Septenary Man. I'm turning 37 soon but I've felt like an old man with a cane since I can remember. My whole life has been a continual walk of (SHAMAN) shame while haphazardly trying to parse the nature of reality.

That's why I drink. Karma to you!

laheyfucked:
 Quoting: calx


Lahey...interesting pic name.

BTW, I fixed your comment, lol!
WildFlower

User ID: 34146134
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03/31/2013 06:18 AM

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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Society is rotten right now, everyone thinks they hold the only truth and love to give life lessons to everyone who is against their opinion...

In my opinion, show everyone the middle finger, be yourself and be happy.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 37014387


Besides showing the finger, that is what I do. I used to have enough angst to do that.

But yes, you are exactly correct in my opinion.
 Quoting: Septenary Man


Everyone goes through some sort of reflection around this age... to "fold the laundry and put it away"...

"Be Yourself and Be Happy"... learn to forgive yourself and yes..."This Too Shall Pass"

Peace, Love, & Light to you OP
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:20 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
You sound like you are going through a dark night of the soul/spirit. Spirit is worse. But remember, it is darkest right before the dawn.

-H
 Quoting: NowHeather


Hey, NowHeather. No, I have been through my Dark Night. It was much was than this. Took me close to 3 years to push through that beast.

hugs
Sloane

User ID: 5869850
United States
03/31/2013 06:23 AM

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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
:disidentify:


I'd take out the word 'enlightenment' - journey says it all - but you know what I mean jelly bean?

heartballoon
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:24 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.
 Quoting: Septenary Man


I like you a lot and think you're a genius. I think you have higher expectations of yourself than nearly anyone can accomplish. I wonder if your father toilet trained you with a 45.
Just chill. relax. Maybe medication. visualize a color or something. You can shut your mind down if you try.
You have helped a lot of people with what you've said and posted. You've opened a lot of eyes. That's a good thing.
Have a shot of vodka. or a beer. Maybe you're working too hard or too long and need to schedule some downtime.
Peace.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 37122686


That's the entire point. If you don't push yourself past what you can accomplish (and have goals that are beyond you r capabilities), you will never know what you are truly capable of.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:25 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
:disidentify:


I'd take out the word 'enlightenment' - journey says it all - but you know what I mean jelly bean?

:heartballoon:
 Quoting: Sloane


Yes, lol. The deeper you go inside, the more you expand. The more you rely on the outside, the less you expand.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:26 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.
 Quoting: Septenary Man


Spend some time immersing yourself with the dog-pack at your home... They know nothing of these human frustrations... Soak up their vibe and just let the present moment be...

:boompitbull1:
 Quoting: ANHEDONIC


hi Here's my pack.

:ShenanigansCalli:

:sevin:

:jupiterdog:

:mojo:
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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United States
03/31/2013 06:27 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Stop being so angsty...


Control your brain, literally with words.
 Quoting: Mister Obvious


I've been working on it MO, as I am pretty sure you can tell over the last year or two.
AlcoholicRunner
I abduct humans and drink at the same time.

User ID: 32069520
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03/31/2013 06:27 AM

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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
its ok I am a fucking idiot too

hf
 Quoting: Dr. Acula


Everybody are fucking idiot in their own special way...

cruise33
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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United States
03/31/2013 06:28 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
its ok I am a fucking idiot too

hf
 Quoting: Dr. Acula


Everybody are fucking idiot in their own special way...

:cruise33:
 Quoting: AlcoholicRunner


ohyeah

:buseyhappy:
Anonymous Coward
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03/31/2013 06:28 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
hi Here's my pack.


:sevin:



 Quoting: Septenary Man


He looks like just skin and bones.......is he sick?
Anonymous Coward
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03/31/2013 06:29 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.
 Quoting: Septenary Man


You are okay bro, it's going to be alright.

Look, you can't be much more of a fucking idiot than this guy:

[link to www.youtube.com]
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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03/31/2013 06:34 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
hi Here's my pack.


:sevin:



 Quoting: Septenary Man


He looks like just skin and bones.......is he sick?
 Quoting: Lisa*Lisa


Sevin is a she (Sevin means 'beautiful girl, or Love Her!). She was abandon and left for dead. My wife and I rescued her, but when she was first picked up, the was about 60 pounds (hence the picture of her so skinny) or something when her healthy weight is about 140.

That picture is when she was transported to the rescue my wife works with. When we took her she had almost died three times. The vet didn't understand how she lived through the night on two occasions. Then she came down with pneumonia during recovery and almost died then as well.

She's had a long rough life, and she was just over a year old when she was rescued. She is fully deaf and blind in 1 eye.

She's our princess.
Anonymous Coward
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03/31/2013 06:52 AM
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Re: I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
hi Here's my pack.


:sevin:



 Quoting: Septenary Man


He looks like just skin and bones.......is he sick?
 Quoting: Lisa*Lisa


Sevin is a she (Sevin means 'beautiful girl, or Love Her!). She was abandon and left for dead. My wife and I rescued her, but when she was first picked up, the was about 60 pounds (hence the picture of her so skinny) or something when her healthy weight is about 140.

That picture is when she was transported to the rescue my wife works with. When we took her she had almost died three times. The vet didn't understand how she lived through the night on two occasions. Then she came down with pneumonia during recovery and almost died then as well.

She's had a long rough life, and she was just over a year old when she was rescued. She is fully deaf and blind in 1 eye.

She's our princess.
 Quoting: Septenary Man


God bless you for rescuing that poor baby and giving her a good life now. I love people who love animals.

hugs

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