I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot

It's one of those Zen things ...

As soon as you truly admit that you are an idiot you cease to be an idiot ...

Welcome to the (exceedingly small) non-idiot club!

What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.

[link to youtu.be]

[link to youtu.be]

You're far from an idiot, friend. You suffer the angst of genius.

Thank you Pi.

It's one of those Zen things ...

As soon as you truly admit that you are an idiot you cease to be an idiot ...

Welcome to the (exceedingly small) non-idiot club!

What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.

What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.

You're far from an idiot, friend. You suffer the angst of genius.

I declared myself a 'fucking idiot' not long ago when I found myself driving to go pick up a pizza I hadn't even ordered yet.

:lloydchristmas:

It's illegal to declare yourself an idiot.

That's like declaring yourself sexy.

These declarations must be peer reviewed.

Good night.

I suppose, this too shall pass.

This too will pass...




:)

Me too

What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. ...

Most likely judging from his rare but appreciated gigantic well-researched posts about significant events. :O