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Message Subject I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot
Poster Handle Anonymous Coward
Post Content
What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.
 Quoting: Septenary Man

I like you a lot and think you're a genius. I think you have higher expectations of yourself than nearly anyone can accomplish. I wonder if your father toilet trained you with a 45.
Just chill. relax. Maybe medication. visualize a color or something. You can shut your mind down if you try.
You have helped a lot of people with what you've said and posted. You've opened a lot of eyes. That's a good thing.
Have a shot of vodka. or a beer. Maybe you're working too hard or too long and need to schedule some downtime.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 37122686

That's the entire point. If you don't push yourself past what you can accomplish (and have goals that are beyond you r capabilities), you will never know what you are truly capable of.
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