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Possible Amphetamine/Stimulant addiction from my early childhood
User ID: 33539747
05/20/2013 07:06 PM
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Came here to rant about myself, looking for some feedback from what I consider the most intellectual forum on the internet
Incoming wall of text:
I've always been sort of an odd kid, from an early age (7-8 and I'm 21 now) I was labeled an attention deficit disorder kid (A.D.D). I'm one of those people who just loses focus and I start to stare into space. I live in the French part of Canada and the term we use for someone who zones out all the time like that is "dans la lune" which means "on the moon" or "head in the clouds" as you guys say it lol (that might be wrong). The way I perceive it is, some times when I think about interesting things I just seem to get lost in my thoughts and I often need to be brought back to focus, very hard to explain, I can spend minutes and sometimes even hours JUST thinking.
My parents are both very wealthy, my dad is the owner of a company that manufactures parts for aerospace, medical, military (heck he made parts for space crafts and satellites) which is cool because he started from the bottom up, he was raised in Canadas trailer park (Nova-Scotia);
Anyways back on the subject, I was shunned and told that I was performing poorly from the moment I started kindergarten. My parents were willing to pay as much as they could for me to start being a good student. So I started being dosed 2-3 times a day with Ritalin from the age of 9 every single day even the weekends, I never wanted to take it but my parents would get mad so I just decided to suck it up and deal with it. I sort of became a hyperactive kid after (it's very hard to tell if that was my real personality or just the meds). On the up side, I WOULD perform better in school but my mind was always rushing at 10 000km/h. I became very outgoing and wasn't afraid to approach people (the usual effects of a stimulant I suppose) I slowly turned into some sort of class clown so needless to say, I had a lot of friends
I grew up around the era where "punk rock" was fading away and the new "emo" trend was setting in which was perfect because I was starting to be hit with a MAJOR depression. And I KNOW this was caused by the medication. This was in grade 8 (2006). Every morning I felt like I was waking up in Hell, I could not get out of bed, it was always a fight with my mother. It was absolutely awful and things just got worse and worse over the months. I started abusing drugs, had 1 suicide attempt, I just couldn't take it. I felt like I was under so much pressure and that I was stupid, lazy and probably not going anywhere in life.
My mother eventually stopped giving me my Concerta (switched from Ritallin to that very quickly when I started) because she was afraid that it would clash with my drug use. Coincidentally I slowly started to become more reserved socially and interestingly enough, a few months later I started to abuse Speed and Ecstasy, those became my drugs of choice and since I went to a high end private school, it was pretty easily available because we could afford it. Those being the illegal drugs I was abusing at the time, I forgot to mention the legal ones.
Around those years a new drink started to become popular and that was RedBull (energy drinks). It boggled my mind how useful these were. People would drink them for some sort of caffeine buzz but I would actually use them as a tool to self-medicate. I remember drinking Rock Star energy drinks before exams and scoring 90%s. People would tell me it was just in my head but I knew it wasn't. I ended up drinking up to 3 of these a day, a few times even up to 5. (The back of the can says to only drink 1-2 daily when necessary) that was a pretty bizarre tendency but it didn't last too long because I was starting to suffer with anxiety so I decided to cut back.
My life slowly got worse and worse, I got involved with the wrong people and my parents gave me a choice. Clean my sh*t up and go to rehab or go live on my own. Around the year 2010 I started to experience some extremely bizarre phenomena. I was having dreams that I was being abducted by the government and they were monitoring me with some kind of brain implant (there's a lot more to this experience but I don't feel like elaborating. I just wanted to put that out there since you guys are used to this crap and I don't really care nor do I have anything to lose), I told myself okayyyy this is some whack schizo sh*t and I checked into rehab IMMEDIATELY.
My parents sent me to some rehab across the border of Quebec into some quiet country town in Ontario where I spent 6 months of hardcore therapy, where it's the patients who lead the group and the staff are only there to supervise. I was quickly commended as one of the smartest people in the group, people there admired me and I quickly became one of the leaders. I finished that program in 2011 and it was an amazing learning experience, I was also born again as an Anglican Christan some time during that period.
Haven't taken any meds or drugs since then and I felt like my life completely turned around. I realized I have an IQ of 129 which I'm told is above average and I was even told I have a perfect liver, which I thought would have been damaged.
I'm now seeing one of those natural doctors who is telling me that I may have fried my adrenal glands because I still have after effects of the stimulants. Like waking up with what feels like a hang over almost every day (it's more tolerable now).
Now that I'm in college (graduating in august) I still have problems concentrating, I'm studying game development with the dreams to one day open up my own independent game company and design a science-fiction game that I've been designing for the past year and I'm expecting to get there by starting my career as an entry level designer or a 3D artist. And not to sound to cocky but I consider myself one of the best in my class, the only problem is my goddamn short attention span. I will start something and I can't keep focused for more than a few minutes, I do drink coffee sometimes to perform better but I feel like that's just bringing me back to square one, I've tried absolutely everything. Acupuncture, (homeotherapy)?, western medicine (cringe), all-natural diets, etc. But none of these really work. I remember seeing someone who would make me do weird exercises like moving my arms around in these weird positions and moving my eyes left and right and my mom would pay her like 100$ an hour, total BS!
My text has gotten awfully long, and a lot of you may not care. Or you may not even understand but I'm glad I was able to get this off my chest, I feel so alone most of the time... No one wants to talk to me about this kind of thing. I'm going to go back and try to move forward with my homework.
feedback and questions are welcome