How to Leave the Planet

1. Phone NASA (tel. 0101 713 483 0123). Explain that it's very important that you get away as quickly as possible.
2. If they don't cooperate, then try to get someone at the White House (tel. 0101 202 456 1414) to bring some pressure to bear on them.
3. If you don't get any joy out of them, phone the Kremlin (tel. 0107 095 295 9051) and ask them to bring a little pressure to bear on the White House on your behalf.
4. If that too fails, phone the Pope for guidance (tel. 010 396 6982).
5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important that you get away before your phone bill arrives.