When to disown family?? Opinions and experiences, please.

First off, tell your mother that you wish to be cut out of the will. Go ahead, and tell her where to get it notarized etc.

Make sure there is no guilt or leverage they can put on you to do what they want.

independence is freedom

You can still have a relationship with them, but you're an adult now, and they need to realize that. Make your own rules, and if they do something that pisses you off, don't take it.

Be kind, be supportive, but don't be a doormat.

It may be more comfortable to simply cut ties, but It sounds like you are non-confrontational, and that's what you're trying to avoid.

In the end you will feel better if you address the issue now, establish your independence from their guilt, make your own social contracts. They will die one day, and if you care about them in any way, you need to have this confrontation in order to have any sort of relationship with them, and it would be better now then on their death beds or never.

Otherwise, cut the ties, and run away.

Nobody?

Drop those sack of bricks what you holding them for? You have your own family now.

An example of the social contracts to which I speak:

1)I will visit with my child, but you must be sober for the entirety of my stay. I don't care if you drink, but I don't want that around my child.

Learn to drink, and keep your opinions to yourself.

Forget about the will, it means nothing.

Ahhh....thanks!! Must have posted my response same time you did :P

Thanks so much for the advice! Will definitely take all that to heart. What you say makes good sense.

I've had numerous confrontations with them, and I guess that's why I'm at the point where I'm ready to leave. I basically gave my mother an ultimatum...either get therapy or lose your relationship with me. And she outright told me she was not getting therapy.

Similar here. My mom drinks a lot and she is very manipulative. Controlling and even plans plots to shame and embarrass me (I'm the only one who had a divorce in the family).

When my dad died, we decided to visit and help her on rotations. Even then she would have a guest and it was obviously planned, and she starts accusing me of all kinds of things, how I shamed her , how I'm a failure. (I'm not a failure, I worked 2-3 jobs to raise my kids, bought a nice house, never took a cent in any kind of assistance....I've accomplished more in my life than either of my siblings. Any way, she is my mom, so I kept taking her abuse.

Now my sister is a full blown alcoholic, and she tells my mom what to do and my mom does it.

So, my daughter was coming to town (just 2 days before my mom told me how special she is, the only grandchild who calls her, visits her when in town....) and low and behold my sister is there with my mom and they both start a fight with my daughter. She is 30 years old, was to meet her girlfriends and they demanded she be back home at 9 pm. So the next morning my mom wouldn't even talk to my daughter. When she left, she never went back.

As for me, at that time my son was getting a divorce, my husband was in a bad car accident and we were involved in a business that all fell on me financially, and I was being sued. Though my mom and sis don't know these things, it doesn't matter, they dont need to know, but it was the last straw. I decided I could not have a nervous breakdown because my sister and mom need more booze. So, I just stopped going and calling.

My first responsibility is to my children and immediate family. And they can twist things around all they want ( my mom loves putting ME down) but deep inside they know. If they apologize I forgive, but since they continue, I've no choice.
I have no guilt.

That's a tough one. I am partially estranged from my family. It wasn't really my decision, but now I can see it was the best thing that could have happened to me. A number of years ago, I moved out of state from where my family lived. It wasn't that far, only 2 hours away, and my sister was 4 hours away - my brother still lived with our parents.

They all talked to me until the day I moved. In fact, the day of my move, my sister called me and asked me to do something for mom. She and I spoke a few times per week until then. The next day, they stopped returning calls, texts, emails...I kept trying for a few months. Then I realized what a fool I was being and stopped. I still don't know why it happened. I keep wondering what I did, ya know? It broke my heart, but after a while I moved on and have been better for it.

A few years ago, I heard my mom was doing really poorly. I went to visit her. A few months later, she died. A few months after that, my dad died. I guess this guilted my brother and sister into feeling we should be in contact again? So they talk to me on fb once in a while, but its rare.

I have a child of my own now too. We saw my brother and sister at a party in June. My brother played with the baby but my sister didn't want anything to do with him/us. I often sit here wondering how to tell my son about my family and why they are not in our life. I wonder how to protect him from my sisters on again, off again relationship. Its hard.

But, as messed up as my parents were, I do wish they were here to see my son. I would visit with him, but never, ever leave him with them - nit even to go to the bathroom.

Is there anyway you can see your folks out somewhere, so they don't have the comfort of their home where they can be so dysfunctional? Otherwise, I say do what you have to do to protect your baby.

I hate to say it...but this is almost my sentiment about it. My mother, in particular, her behaviors the past couple years have even affected how I feel about her.

I think you're at a point where you can disengage without feeling too guilty, jmho. Toxic is as Toxic does.

disowning should be applied when it involves being brought to court on false accusations

I like the idea of contracts like this :)

One problem though is whenever I try up set a boundary with them, they accuse me of being "superior." I know this is THEIR problem and not mine. I have every right to set healthy boundaries with them because their behavior affects me!

OP

GOOGLE 'TOXIC FAMILY'.

OP, it is actually quite simple to figure this out . . .

If a person enriches your life, embrace them.

If a person depletes your life, dump them.

Make no distinction between friend or relative, and don't be manipulated by threats of anyone cutting you out of their will. Caving in to that threat is the equivalent of selling your soul to the devil.

You teach people how to treat you. You weren't firm enough.

sorry to hear, I feel your frustration!

Forgot to mention one thing....

As per the will....

My sister got my mom drunk, then my sister-in-law "kidnapped" my mom. Said she is taking her shopping but instead took her to a lawyer, my brother waiting there and had all her properties turned over to them.

So, my sister screwed herself put of her share by going along with the plot.

I don't get anything but honestly, to me that's like blood money, and I'd rather not have any part of it. I'm doing fine all on my own with Gods help.

Distance, the geographical kind.

Start fresh somewhere else.

Phone at Christmas.

If offers freedom and a chance to reconcile if/when
they realize the error of their ways.

Thanks for sharing and for the advice! Glad to know I'm not alone! Sorry to head about your situation. It must be hard having so many unanswered questions!

You know the answer to this OP. There are many bad people in the world, they have families, your family is one of those. Is it possible to change them? No. Are they a negative influence on you and your family? Yes. Dump them and don't look back.

It's hard but if you want to be better than they are, and who doesn't, then you have to leave them in there own self inflicted hell.

Listen carefully:



[link to www.youtube.com]



Total freedom = I give not one shit what you do to me; I don't need and do not want anything from you ever.

BULLSHIT

Thank you! The affirmation helps! I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing!

If you are independent. (Meaning they can hold nothing over you.)

Then state clearly. "I am superior. I do not have a drug addiction, I'm financially stable, and I'm doing my best to be a good mother. I love you guys, but if you want to be in my life, then you have to live up to my standards."

Thank you. I agree, and have even used those very words to myself, about selling a part of my soul if I were to cave to their threats.

Hey we all have problems. what I don't understand is why the hell I have to come to a conspiracy sight and read about yours. You are chocking up good posts with your boohoo woe is me me bull shit. Now stfu and nutter up butter cup most here have no sympathy for you the world is shit and we have our own problems we just made a choice to deal with them and not look for a pity party on a web sight. I think Dr. Phil may have a web sight why don't you head that way Nancy.

Actually... I really love this response!!! I think I'm going to use it!

Thanks!!

Nobody forced you to click on the link, bub.

Have a great day!!

BTW... It's web "site," genius.