Save yourselves, Please. Cowards do not read.

I am empty. My childhood was being moved from one place to another, one "family" to another, always the new kid. People were cruel all over the USA. Those that I loved died, one after the other. I lost my ability to believe in God when my father, Jim, my step dad for a few years and the only man I could think of as father died when I was 16, that was 1986.

I met my wife to be when I was 15, and long story short, we ended up raising her child, and aborting mine, and we spent a lifetime getting to really love each other, every day was a joy because she was in it. She died very suddenly to cancer at the beginning of last year. I lost the only thing that made this life worth it. Since, I've lost my job, my home, and my ability to feel pleasure.

I cannot experience pleasure or joy. I have tried more than most, drugs of all sorts, cheap women, I could fill pages with what I've tried, and now homeless sixteen months later... I still feel empty, so empty. The only thing that makes me "feel" anything at all is trying to STOP this world from being run over by evil madmen, so of course, I've been ostracized by many for believing in "conspiracy theory" nonsense.

I am more intelligent than most, in better health, I've lost over a hundred and twenty pounds since last year. I am capable and able to learn anything I choose, from combat, to writing, to psychology, to well... whatever. But there is no reason, no drive, no hope. I am alone quite a bit, though I have people to visit when I wish, being sociable I mastered decades ago, no lack of people to hang with as long as I stay away from truth.

But I'm empty inside. All I ever wanted was real love, and now, without it... there is nothing.

I cringe inside when around most people because I cannot tune out my ability to see things for what they are, not what I want them to be. They are petty, and selfish, and brainwashed by a system that hates them and is successfully destroying them, both mentally and physically.

I am capable of great things, no boast, but I am crippled with no motivation. Why? I ponder that often. Why bother.

I write this simply to put my thoughts in order, for reason is all I have now. Amusingly, I have reason, but not A reason.

I have grown physically younger, something I was in the process of doing a few years ago through a self taught meditation that is always there, I am in better shape now than in my twenties, and I heal remarkably fast from illness or injury, even though I've been starving myself for the last year plus. What a cosmic joke that physically I've never felt better, and mentally I'm empty. All dressed up with no place to go.

Why even write this? Good question. Answer. To tell you the one thing I know for certain.

Love is the most powerful and important thing in this existence. Deep meaningful powerful passionate love is something worth looking for, worth suffering for, worth dying for. If you have it, tell them how much you value it, be warm and kind to them, forgive their human flaws, and hold on to it. For when it is gone, you will have a long time to ponder what you did wrong, how you could have done more, and how fucking much you miss it.

I cannot live for myself. I lived for her. Without her I am empty. I wish this was self pity, because you can change that, but I just am hollow, an automaton, with memories of feeling. I have helped so many people since last year, losing myself in the betterment of others, but without being able to save them from what's coming, it brings me no joy, but I do it because it's right, for whatever that's worth.

I understand what the evil people feel, that hollow nothing can fill, and I understand what they are capable of in a way many do not, because I could be them. You should fear them more than you do, it should inspire you to mass action, because they are murdering you all by inches as I type. I remember right from wrong, for her, and so I limit my actions.... but you don't understand how bad the sociopaths and psychopaths are until you're empty. It is more terrible than you think, unless you are one, then you don't care and can laugh that empty laugh I know so very well.

This world is ending because good people are doing nothing.

If you have love, or if you want love, you better stop these empty evil selfish people, in mass and soon.

Maybe it's too late, as hundreds have told me. If so I blame those that had so much, and let the empty people take it. I have wanted to join a group of people actively trying to change things, and I cannot find them. Online people think you're "one of them" and in real life people are too busy trying to eke out a living.

To the scum monitoring this I say, you cannot hurt me anymore because I'm empty, like you, except I don't even care if I live at all. You should fear the day I might find motivation, since you know what I'm capable of when I had it.

To the rest I say do something soon, for what awaits is terrible, and only those who care about others more than themselves can stop it. Selfishness is the key to mankind's downfall.

Please don't bother with whatever religious talk about how awesome God or Jesus or Allah or Yahweh is, and how much it loves me, because I plan on some very serious afterlife activities, and if you're right, they're toast when I get there.

Save yourselves this pain so powerful it kills hope. Please.

I too feel your pain. I've been there. Only contemplation and solace is in the fact that you are the only one to see the reality that you created in your journey as you experienced the joy and the depth of pain as part of the journey only you can see. I know emptiness and still there is an indomitable will to live and breath the divinity only if you see there is a mystery of why we're here even if we don't know why we're here. That itself pretty much explained everything. There is something indescribable about our self above complementary criteria on the agreement between all party at this moment in reality yet...your call...be free.

OP you sound like you are a good, wise and smart person. Unfortunately that combination usually leads to depression because this world is so fucked up.

My advice: Create something. A book, paintings, music, whatever you like best. Maybe even a project like a garden in a public space or volunteer work of some kind. But I think in your case creative art would be best. You said u like writing so write a book.

Great art is born from great suffering. But you have to totally commit yourself to this project. Promise yourself that you will spend x hours a day or whatever on writing this book. It doesnt matter if you have no good ideas, just write, the ideas will come. Again you have to be strict with yourself -- this is no joke, it is how you heal yourself. You promise yourself you will do it for a certain time each day and you follow through, even when you don't feel like it. It doesn't matter if it doesn't sell or get published or if nobody reads it...write it anyway. Pour yourself into it, Make it the best book you can imagine. And in time it will be. Who knows, you might even get a publishing deal and find yourself with a whole new career, but for now don't worry about that . Just do it.

op

you will be happy to know that you are not as empty as you think.

The very fact I care about you is evidence you are far from empty.

Father I ask that you will bring peace beyond understanding to this child. I ask that you will remember him and his suffering Father. He is lost Father,his words call out to you Father. You have said if one seeks you will open the door unto him. Father he is asking and pleading. I ask Father that you who cannot lie fulfill your promises made unto us and answer his call. Father I ask not in my strength but that of Jesus the Nazarene. Your will be done. Amen

Well said.