Are There Any Good Adoption Experiences?

I have been involved in adoption reunion for over 30 years. This year was my last year. There have been many changes and basically adoptees want me to search for free and I don't mind that. What I mind is how ungrateful they are when you give them the connection to their bio parents.

After thirty years, I have come to a couple of conclusions.

1. Apples don't fall far from the tree. An apple seed in a peach orchard will still look and act like an apple tree.

2. Orange trees should not adopt pecan trees. If you want to really help pecan trees out -- send money or help the farmer who cares for them. Do not uproot the tree and transplant it -- it may make you feel better, but it is not best for the tree.

3. Every person should know their biological relatives and ask the mquestions while they are alive. In the future it could be life saving. Certainly your children deserve to know their true biological heritage.

4. I would never ever adopt out of race -- ever.


Most adoptions do not turn out well.

If you HAVE to place a baby for adoption - - place it with a family member or with a church member and stay in contact. It is best for everyone.

I don't want to hear your whining. I doubt anyone on GLP has more experience with this subject than I do.

Out of the hundreds of cases I have been in contact with I say 10% maybe were happy adoptions. God knows what he is doing.

Thank you for sharing your story. Don't discount the fact that your son's fate has a lot to do with his personal choices and who he is beyond nature or nurture.

In an alternate universe, you could just as easily be feeling guilty thinking it might have been different if only you had given him up for adoption.

lol you cant give up a child at age 16 for adoption thats very rare for a teenager over 12 to be adopted....

most adoptions happen with kids under age 6 or 12. the rest older kids end up in foster care and the teenagers are sent off to residental programs for problem teens even tho their only problem is not having parents

i would encourage you to do so. it is a positive experience. once you are grown, there is nothing to fear as far as "competition" or whatever. there is nothing to lost & alot to gain by reuniting w/ your birthfamily.

wow i'm sorry that anyone has anyone has been ungrateful for what you have done. i was very grateful for the woman that helped me find my birthmother. anyone familiar w/ the georgia tann case knows the irony of how easy the process is in tn. i would say pat yourself on the back because what you have been doing is a very positive thing.

Hannah, don't kick yourself any more. You did the best you could at the time - with the best information available and the best motives for your son. Without a lot of family support, it would have been extremely difficult for you to raise him. Single moms, especially teens have a very difficult life and the kids do too. You gave him the best chance for making a good life, and he may have turned out badly no matter WHO his parents were because of choices HE made. Maybe it's just HIM. Not you, and maybe not even the adoptive parents as much. Manslaughter is pretty extreme.

I was raised in an extremely dysfunctional family - poor, alcoholic dad, mentally ill mother. I had 2-3 chances to be adopted when I was a baby/toddler and my parents always got me back. I wish that they had not because I would have had far more opportunities with an adoptive family. Yes, I would not have known about my biological background (and I believe in OPEN adoptions where all info about the birth parents is known and the child knows right from the beginning that they are adopted), but I would have gladly traded that for all the opportunities lost to me because of extreme poverty and the dysfunction of my parents. I am in my mid 50s and believe my life has been basically a waste up to this point, and it needn't have been if I'd had more resources. Yes, I know the libertarian/Republican types will rant that I should have pulled myself up by my own boot straps, blah blah, which I did to a great extent, but it's hard to overcome a wall of dysfunction.

You did the right thing. Don't ever doubt it again. At this point, try to be a good influence on your son if you can - not by indulging the worst in him, but by trying to bring out the best. It may be too late, sometimes it just is, but you can pray for him at least. JUST STOP KICKING YOURSELF.

Good adoption experience? Not from me! Raised as an only child by a control freak, religious-nutter father and a diagnosed (and eventually hospitalized) paranoid schizophrenic mother to be a child-housemaid and (as they hoped) an adult "crutch for their old age." Never happened.
My career took me abroad for several decades and I repatriated to Canada after they had passed away.

Rewind back to my childhood as an adoptee: I used to lock myself in the bathroom in order to cry and pray in private... I asked God why He had not allowed "normal" parents to adopt me. I begged for a release. He never replied...

Happy ending! After a 3-year intensive search, I found my birth mother in Chicago just before my 30th birthday. She was refreshingly normal and provided me with proof that she too had searched for me over the years and had never forgotten me, her first child. I was touched and more than a little amazed. We did a tv reunion show together (her planning, not mine) and the response from viewers to the station was so positive and overwhelming that a clip of our one-hour episode was repeated on the evening news. They closed the news with the words "And the entire city of Chicago wishes __________ a happy 30th birthday!" And then the telephone started ringing... Mom's surprised neighbours and friends kept delivering flowers, cakes and gifts to her little suburban rancher late into the night and all the next day.

An added plus was that I, raised as an only child, suddenly had half-bothers and half-sisters. Joy. At last, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! I had all the answers to the questions which had puzzled me for many years and was surrounded with affection and, praise the Lord, with refreshingly normal people who were my very own blood relatives. Who could ask for more?

All adoptive and birth parents have now passed away and I look back on my life with no regrets.

I have examined my past and am confident that I did the very best I could as a timid child, troubled teenager and struggling, impoverished young adult under very trying circumstances. I resolved to study hard and obtain scholarships solely in order to escape my life as a disenabled doormat, who was constantly forced into obedient submission to a life without any freedom of choice either in thought or action. I eventually obtained 3 university degrees, two from Canadian universities and one from a well-known American university. Why? A thirst for academia? Perhaps to some extent, but not really. My sole motivation was that I realized that a good education would enable me 1)to be free at last of the adoption baggage under which I was buried and 2)to be forever financially and spiritually independent. It worked.

Finding my birth family was the final step in a 30-year journey to closure on a bizarre childhood where my only solace was the sanity of my only shelter, an excellent high school and some wonderful teachers and classmates who encouraged me to persevere and told me that life could and would get better. It did.

Wow. Lots went on while I was sleeping last night. I don't know if I can catch up with everyone! I DO wish while in post mode there was a function to quote, it'd be easy with two windows open and a quote tool.

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts, for the support, and for sharing your personal experience with adoption.

Last Edited by ~ hannah~ on 07/27/2013 06:05 PM

Alrighty, I'm going to attempt to reply over the next few hours in one post here. I'll italicize who I'm quoting, and site the username. This, in-between dishes, prepping tomorrows dinner and having a cocktail or two. :)

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 43347507

Sorry I have never known any adopted kids that tuned out well. I'm sure they exist but I've never personally met any and Ive known a few over the years.

My husband and I are struggling with infertility and there is no way in hell we will ever adopt. We both agree on this. If we can't have kids that are biologically both of ours we just won't have any. DNA matters.

My husband comes from a wealthy family. His parents had him and his two brothers. His mom really wanted a daughter and she was not willing to risk having another boy so they adopted a girl. She is 40 now and still a total screw up. All the boys, also older than her but still all under 50 are all educated and well off as adults. They are responsible, don't have debt, have excellent careers, were top of their class graduates in both hs and college, finished their first degree within 4 years of starting college right out of hs (all have engineering degrees at a minimum) and are well adjusted. The adopted sister didn't end up pregnant out of wedlock (she does have 3 kids though) but she barely graduated from hs, she never finished college, still has a flunky job (I realize you don't need a degree to be successful but she certainly is not successful without one,) she and her husband have ass loads of debt and they are always broke. When she was still living at home she even got arrested a few times. None of the boys have ever been arrested.

The adoption was an open one and she found her birth mother when she turned 18 and the birth mother is a bigger screw up than her daughter. I guess since she isn't as big of a screw up as her mom adoption was the best thing for her but she is still a total screw up so obviously enviornment does not matter as much as the liberal woowoo crowd would like you to believe it does.


Please, please, PLEASE don't blame yourself!! First, at one month of age, as long as a baby is getting enough basic care and physical holding, I doubt very much if she or he cares where it comes from. (Although, I admit I could be wrong about this.) Second, you are VERY obviously a very caring and intelligent and unselfish person. My kids' biological parents were none of these. (Okay, I have to sign for the rest of tonight, so please don't think that I am ignoring you if you respond to this or any of my other posts on this thread.)

I hope you find peace. Many mental "hugs" to you.

I'm so sorry to hear of the troubles your MIL had raising her adopted daughter. Sometimes, sadly, the apple does not fall far from the tree - and this could be one of those cases. Coupled with the fact she was adopted at 1 year old. That's GOT to mess with a kids mind. It would take a strong individual (and I believe even little ones can be 'strong' in ways you wouldn't suspect) to recover from being given up at a later age. You already know who 'Mom' is and the feeling of abandonment and insult is probably horrific for some of these older kids. My niece lost custody of her son for a year due to drug use. I think he was about 5 at the time. Can you imagine his panic? She got him back, but he's on a host of meds for ADD, ADHD, Autism...too many to name. She's across the country from me and I SO wish I could afford to move her and her son here to Maine so we could help oversee this medication issue - which is something I don't agree with, but that's an entire other thread.

Thank you for sharing your families story, and for the (((HUGS))). Right back at 'cha. :)

Quoting Serendipitous:

I was adopted as a baby and grew up always knowing I was adopted. I don't remember ever being told, I just always knew. My parents were my parents and my birthparents were only a curiosity. I'd only ever wanted to meet them to see how their personality traits and appearances were similar to mine. That's it.

As I grew older I also wanted to meet them to say "thank you". If my birthmother hadn't made the choice to give me up for adoption I wouldn't have had the life I have now. She made the right choice. I wanted her to see that I was happy and that I was a grateful to her. I wanted to be sure she was happy too.

Since the adoption records in my state are now open I know my birth mother's name and date of birth. I did try to find her in an internet search but was unsuccessful. I guess she died somewhere along the line. I'll have to wait to tell her how grateful I am when I see her on the other side. But if she's there, I guess she knows.

I think that's the common string running through adoptees and birth parents. They are curious to know the personality, looks, likes, dislikes, of each other. From a birth mother perspective who never had other children, add to that I did hope to have a relationship with my son *of some sort*. I did not want to replace his parents, but I did want a connection with him beyond the nothingness I'd felt for years. I wanted him in my life on some level, whatever that may have turned out to be, I'd have been (and was) grateful.

You're story is a very happy one, and I'm very glad to hear this and appreciate that you took the time to reply. Now, in my experience with internet searches, they don't 'give up' as much as they did in the beginning of the net. If you still feel so inclined, try another avenue of finding her. She very well could still be alive, and if she's not maybe you have siblings out there.

Quoting tiger1

Adoption is common on both sides of my family. My paternal grandmother adopted my aunt when she was about 6 years old. My cousin adopted a baby boy, after her first born child died of spina bifida and heart problems. These children brought joy to my family's lives. There were no problems.
I adopted a severely handicapped baby, who was born with no roof in her mouth, a total severe cleft of the lip and palate, deformed nose, and twisted lower leg bones.A friend of mine who worked at the Welfare Office gave me a call years ago, about a newborn baby girl with nowhere to go. There was no foster home medically qualified to take her. She was going to end up being placed in a nursing home wing for severely handicapped children.I was an EMT, and had experience helping a friend of mine with her disabled child. I said yes, and have never regretted it.
The numerous surgeries, endless doctor appointments, stares and nasty remarks from people about my daughters appearance, all are a distant memory today. My daughter is 23, married and the mother of 2. The surgeries were so successful, you cannot tell she had her face split open from her nose through her mouth. Her legs are straight and strong. She lettered in Cross Country when she was in high school.
I have several friends who adopted. ALL of them have no regrets. Some of them adopted infants or small children, and some adopted older children and teenagers. It is never easy being a parent, whether your children are from your belly, or from your heart.You do the best you can as a parent, and hope they make the right choices when they get older.


Holy crap! You are MUCH braver than I, and a real hero in real life, and this thread. I cannot imagine putting myself aside that much. Bless your heart, and a thousand blessings on your home. I really just don't have words. So beautiful that she came out on the other side of her experience like she did. She was so very blessed you came into her life.



Quoting AC 32938997:

Oh yes you can. You were a young girl and in the 70s it was a scarey thing to get pregnant without being wed. Stop beating yourself up and judging yourself. You did what you felt was best at the time.

This is difficult to answer, not sure why. I wouldn't really say I "beat myself up" over all this. There is not a bushel of guilt on my shoulders, but I would say I'm still trying to understand what the hell happened and why. Especially the way our reunion ended. Plus, I realize that 1. Things happen for a reason
2. I made some good andbad decisions back then. I think the most I ever 'beat myself up' over my son was one year during my hippie days when I completely forgot to 'grieve'/honor his birthday. It was about two months later that I realized it had passed. He must've been 3 years old that year. I cried so hard and felt like the worst 'Mother' EVER.

Quoting samanthasunflower:

My nephew came into my family through an open adoption. I wish they had done this kind of adoption all along. He doesn't have to wonder where he came from or have a missing feeling for his bio family, because he sees them once a month. (Them includes his bio sister.)

I actually like him better than his older sister who wasn't adopted.

I think open adoption is THEE WAY to go with this. I don't know how that works out with jealousies or adoptive parents feeling threatened. When my sons parents got my letter they were all WTF? "I thought she wasn't allowed to find us!" *LOL* at your last comment.

Ok, will make a second post for the rest of my comments to replies. THANKS EVERYONE!!!

Quoting AC 17268859:

Yes. Twins. They did great. Why is this pinned?

Glad they did great. As to your question about this thread being pinned, beats me. I was fast asleep when that happened and missed it. I ask you, why not? And thank the person who did, because there was a shit ton more replies when I woke up!




Quoting AC 9742629:

My ex is adopted. He's in jail now for selling/doing drugs and unfortunately I feel it's partially his parent's fault. They let him get away with everything and handed him everything in life. The first time he was arrested they bought him the most expensive lawyer they could find. The second time he got out of prison they bought him a new iphone and avoided the issue of his arrest until he started doing drugs again. Instead of getting him into rehab they just ignored his problem. They would constantly search his room and whenever they found drugs they would flush them down the toilet and not say a word to him about it. The strange thing is they have a biological daughter who is very well off. She has a husband and two children and attended a four year college.

This is totally resonating with what I think of the way my son's adoptive parents handled his "situations". Right down to flushing the pot he had stashed in his room. Amazing coincidence that you would post that! When he was 17 he'd been 'such trouble' (and really what I got was only pot smoking, which I don't have issues with anyone doing and not feeling connected to the family) - his dad pulled some strings and got him accepted into the Navy. Which did't turn out well either, it was after drinking with a bunch of buddies while stationed in WA state, he missed his ship back home to Long Beach, Ca an decided to hitchhike back home. That's when his crime happened. While he was hitchhiking through Stockton. :/

Quoting AC 23800820:

There are success stories. Ric Flair, the wrestler.

As for the clan thing. The sexual revolution, secularism, downfall of family values, feminism, deconstruction of the patriarchy, anti-religion are all doing away with this.

Obama and his wife would reply with, "It takes a village to raise a child, not a clan." They'd use your experiences to promote abortion, too.

I agree with your outline. Except that it was Hillary who wrote the book "It Takes A Village" while Bill was in office, if memory serves me well.



Quoting AC 23800820:

I know a guy that has two Chinese daughters and they are angels. Smart little feminine know it alls. My friend Stacy and her brother were both gorgeous popular and adopted and are both married and very successful.

I think the thing is people that have kids know how to take care of kids. Childless people seem to not know kid psychology, but there's no excuse, you can learn to be a better parent.

Thank you for the positive note on adoption. The girls sound uber cute, and your second story is great to hear. But, I have to take exception to your latter comment. I mean, aren't we all 'childless' before we have children? One does not know how to 'take care of children' simply because they had one. Because at one time, none of us had them. Right?

Quoting Bush Master's wife: ;)

This is my husbands profile, but he saw this and urged me to reply. I was adopted as an infant. I was 5 days old. My real parents (not biological) already two sons. My mother miscarried 3 babies in between the boys and was told she couldn't have anymore children. They wanted a daughter, so I hit the adoption lottery & became theirs at the age of 5 days old. My mother became pregnant when I was 4 years old and I then had a baby sister. My parents treated all of us the same. I had the best parents anyone could ever dream of having. It is impossible to convince me that there have been two better parents than the ones with which God blessed me. My siblings also treated me no differently than any of the others.

I found my biological mother when I was 30 years old. Not only was I blessed with such a loving family, but I found out I was saved from a terrible childhood. I could go on and on about how horrible my life would have been. The stories are endless. My biological mother was 14 when she became pregnant with me. She had 6 children by 4 different men, and was a drug dealer. She loved me dearly and I thank her for giving me the gift of life, but she was not my mom.

I'm sorry that your experience wasn't as positive as my biological mom's. She cried every time I talked to her about being sorry for giving me up. It really used to irritate me, as I thank God every day that she did. Her father forced the adoption. She and my biological maternal grandmother wanted to keep me, but my grandfather was realistic. Thankfully so!


I'm truly happy to know that the reality of the situation overpowered the emotions of it to give you a better life in the long run. This is what one HOPES the adoption process facilitates. Please, forgive your b'mom for crying when you speak. She is broken, and on top of that she relinquished a child (you). You nearly never get over making that decision. It doesn't matter if it's for the best, it doesn't matter if it's the right thing to do, biologically speaking it is not natural to give birth and hand the baby over - to be gone from your life forever. Needed, maybe. Natural? No. Please forgive her for her continuing grief. Do you still speak with her nowadays?

(((BIG HUGS)))
hannah

Will start reply #3.

Thank you for sharing your account of what has to be a very personal and sensitive subject matter for you.

Reading your story I can't help but feel there is an important lesson to be taken from this. When I say 'lesson' it is NOT in the context of anyone having made mistakes or errors in judgement - but a spiritual 'lesson' in the sense that you are afforded an opportunity to grow and advance yourself (spiritually) from having endured through these very challenging & difficult circumstances in your life. Perhaps it is about forgiveness. Forgiveness for the children and the life decisions that they made and more importantly forgiveness for yourself and your husband in accepting that you did what you could given the difficult nature of the circumstances you were facing. Letting go of the guilt/regret/blame.

I know it feels very tough to do but in order to allow yourself to transcend that bitterness that you are identifying with you have to dig deep within yourself and find a way to adopt a perspective that enables you to perceive this difficult life experience in a constructive context. How can you view this life experience in a light that allows you to acknowledge growth and the strengthening of your character?

The bitterness is a 'negative' emotion that originates in the mind (brain) and fixating on and attaching to these types of emotions feels hurtful and is detrimental to our state of being (as you already know). To transmute that feeling you need to substitute it with an emotion that originates from your HEART which are the emotions that heal - compassion/empathy/forgiveness/etc. You can't change the circumstances or experiences that you endured through but what you can alter is the manner in which you choose to perceive those experiences and the light in which you view them - thereby activating a different physiological response within you. Shifting your consciousness energy from focusing on the bitterness that resides in your mind to focusing a healing emotions from your heart (compassion, empathy, forgiveness) - doing so will burn away the pain.

I just wanted to say I enjoyed reading alll the replies to this thread and thank you to everyone who shared their stories and contributed.

Thank YOU for your very kind and thoughtful comments.

I have often wondered what the purpose of my life has been because I just feel that it has been such a colossal failure and because it has been almost entirely bad from start to present. (And, so you won't think I am having some kind of huge pity party for myself, my bio dad died when I was four months old, my brother had muscular dystrophy, then I found out when I was just sixteen that I was a carrier of MD and so made the decision not to risk having my "own, natural" kids, and then having the adoption hell I described. Okay, so, yeah, maybe I do have a lot of self-pity going on, but the fact remains that my life has been disappointing to me, to say the least.)

However, I tell myself that everyone's life has a purpose, and so I have often thought about what lesson my life is trying to teach me. I persevere because even though I am an agnostic, I DO believe that if one "gives up" on life and doesn't try to learn from it -- which is what I think YOU are saying -- then one might have to "repeat" the lesson in the next life; and that this will repeat until one finally DOES learn. However, I still haven't figured out what I am supposed to learn. Maybe to be more compassionate? Maybe to be less judgmental? Maybe to be more accepting of the bad? I just don't know. But, meanwhile, I feel like I am being punished for something that I have no clue about. (I mean, maybe I tortured children or something in a past life?!)

However, I DO try to count my blessings: good health, a nice home, and -- most important -- a wonderful husband for more than 25 years now. And, even though I HATE what my daughter has become, my husband and I are still "open" to her and we now communicate by phone or e-mail about three times a week. It is as though we are the ONE constant thing in her life that she relies on; and MAYBE the fact that her kids, even they both are getting a very bad start in life, will be exposed to "good" people (at least, we think we're good people; and as a result, maybe they will make something good of their lives.

Anyway, sorry to go on and on -- and thank you again for your kind words!

Tuna steaks and chicken breasts are marinating, and I've almost 'won' the battle with the dishes. We like to cook too much around here. But, I be back. :)

Quoting AC 41235114:

I'm going to have to read that book...

I WAS ADOPTED supposedly from birth in 1963. I do not know any of the details surrounding my birth except for seeing my adoption finalization as a child which referred to me as "Infant Paquin". I was adopted into a family with older parents, professionals, no siblings. I was given every opportunity, private schools, dance, active in church etc... My adoptive parents are passed away now and try as I might, I can get nothing from my birth state. I feel as if I have no rights.
My findings though seem to conclude that the adoptee or birth mother are of no consequence to anyone. Only the adoptive parents who have either the influence or the money to "BUY" a child. (and I'm not talking about adoption today, I'm talking about back when it took a lot of $$ or power)I've run out of resources....but even though my parents were very good to me. I believe it was a black market baby type of thing....that or.... the child of someone VERY important got pregnant and it needed to be buried deep. There is NO trail at all!!! Not even a private investigator (the best) could get even the tiniest detail. I have to concur that adoption is a good idea executed by wicked/evil profit/favor seeking people. (at least in the 60's that's how it was). I know my birthmother must be at least something like me, and I wouldn't sleep at night worrying about my child's fate. I only wish I could find her for medical info and to reassure her I am educated, and successful. AND I'd love to know if I have siblings...but I think it will forever be a dead end.

AC - That book explained so much to me that I never even considered - it literally blew my mind and at the same time validated everything I went through and felt. While it doesn't bash adoptive parents it does lean heavily on the experiences of the birth mother / child separation and reunion and the confused feelings from the entire experience. I sent it to my son while he was in prison and it helped him understand so much of what I went through way back when, and what WE were going through with the reunion.

Yes, back when you were relinquished and I relinquished, it was all about the protection of the adoptive parents and their new family unit. And, I suppose on a level I 'get' that. But in the long run it didn't help the b'mom and the child with their adjustment to what was to come via the decision for adoption. You and I were given NO tools to cope with how our lives would be changed via this exchange. I also doubt the adoptive parents were given many tools to understand what they were about to undertake. And I don't mean basic parenting, I mean genetics that are not from your own, things they can't control.

This bother's me about the only record you can find in that you were referred to as "Infant Paquin". Says so little as to who you really were/are. But, a lot of relinquished children were referred to in the same manner or less on related paperwork. So, is Paquin the name of your adoptive parents? Your case is so removed from the typical agency driven adoption that I don't know how to advise.

The only thing I can suggest is try to find an adoption support group in your area (which I did). They will have access to searchers. These searchers buy software that allows them to search amended names. I (my Mom actually) paid $200 to a searcher for me when I was looking for my son. I had his amended name within ~12 days. One of the most amazing moments of my life was getting that phone call and information. Would even 'the best' private detective be able to be swayed into not finding the truth?

Thank you for taking the time to share this. It's a side of adoption I don't consider much since it wasn't my experience.



Quoting AC 22399945:

I didn't read any of this thread but Me and my twin borther wwere adopted together. I gave my parents hell and still do but couldn't ask for better parents. I have a great job my brother just graduated from business school. I have two beautiful children. Life is good excluding the government. Adopt a kid.

Cool I was adopted I'm 26 now still haven't met my biological parents. Honestly I'm afraid they will be weird white trash. My brother and I are very smart but I have had substance problems now and then, I want to see where I came from but there is a fear there can anyone address this or maybe I should start a new thread as to not hijack this one.

You are NOT hijacking this thread!!!! Your comments and thoughts are totally welcome.

Well there was a self help book from the late 80's or early 90's (which I never read) called "Feel The Fear and Do it Anyway". The title said it all, so I felt I didn't need to really read the book. :)

My outcome has got to be on the worst end of possible scenarios that a b'mom or adoptee can imagine to find when they search. There is much more to his crime and his disclosure to me about it than I am willing to share, but believe me...it's nasty. And still, I loved him. I loved seeing his face, I loved touching him and knowing him, FINALLY.

And you're smart, your brother is smart - what's to say your bio parents are not smart too? You won't know unless you try, and if it turns out not so great, it still 'heals' a lot of broken places. I will never be sorry I looked for and found my son, no matter the outcome I had. He and I have not communicated in 15 years, I've tried a few times with no response. But I'm still not sorry that I found him because that empty hole in me, that lost child, finally had some answers as to 'what' happened for all that pain and effort.



Quoting AC 37004650:

well i have had a more or less positive experience w/ being adopted. i've always known- adoptive mother told me when i was 6. i have met & begun to have a relationship w/ my birthmother just in the past 6 or 7 yrs. some of it has been difficult, but i feel blessed after reading some of your stories. i don't want to share too much on this forum like this but just want to tell hannah that you did the right thing & to thank you for sharing.

Hello - and thank you for chiming in! VERY happy to know you have a good experience with adoption. And, of course I'm biased when I say I'm so glad you found your b'mom. And no, it's not an easy road, this reunion thing. So many emotions and feelings to filter and sort out, so it's not surprising there are bumps in the road. I experienced those as well. Thank you for the props about my experience. :)

Last Edited by ~ hannah~ on 07/27/2013 09:24 PM

A break in replies.

Some of us here are old enough to know Joni Mitchell. I was one of her biggest fans. I never fully 'got' her song "Little Green" until I gave up my son. I remember when it hit me I ran to my mother with the lyric cover to the album, so excited that I wasn't *alone* in my confusion, shame, and experience. THIS HAPPENED TO JONI TOO (and my parents were well aware of Joni and her music because they heard it coming from my room night and day)!!! Her response, was so non-committal and so un-interested I was heart broken. It was as if she said "And?"



She found her daughter (and at the time I recall Canadian laws being much stricter than USA). It wasn't long before Mom and friends were sending me news paper clippings of Joni and her reunion with her daughter. It was one of those "WINNING" (Charlie Sheen reference) moments.

Joni and finding her daughter...



Last Edited by ~ hannah~ on 07/27/2013 10:07 PM

I was given up for adoption in 1970 - I had a normal childhood and became a successful adult. While my birth mother doesn't have interest in knowing me, other bio-family members do, and now I feel blessed to have larger family circle.

You did a good thing OP. Even children in their own biological families go down the wrong roads. You loved your son enough to at least give him a chance at life. You bravely faced 9 months of pregnancy knowing you wouldn't be able to keep him. You enriched the lives of a couple who desperately wanted a child and answered their prayers. *hugs* It will be okay.

Ok...so this is about my father. He was born in 1945. His mother was 18, but the age of consent was 21. My biological Grandmother was an unwed-mother.

My Father's biological mother wanted him, fought for him. Went to court to try and keep him. You asked for a positive experience. Everyone in her family wanted her to give him up for adoption. She lost the case.

She and her brother dropped my father off at his new parents house. She was smart enough to make friends with one of the biological mothers neighbors. For a little while she got to watch him grow up. Until Biological family moved with no forwarding address that she could find.

She went on to have 9 more children. All with the same father. She died in 1970 (?) of choking. At that time, my father was a volunteer firefighter 20 miles away. He didn't get that call. He could have easily saved her. I know he deals with this to this day.

His adoptive parents doted on him. He was the sun and the moon to both his mother and father. He was an only child. His biological parents were almost in their 40's when they adopted him.

My father was just into his early 40's when he first found out he was adopted. He never knew. He felt betrayed. His adoptive mother was gone and his adoptive father was in the early stages of dementia when he found out.

My fathers biological mother tended to take in lost females. I remember once my dad met his half siblings There were a lot of stories. Women who were pregnant and didn't know what to do. Even though she was unable to help herself, she helped many other women.

Just as an FYI. My father wasn't conceived in the best circumstances. Through DNA his father is known and is wither a sibling or an uncle to his biological siblings.

My father had the best of both worlds. His biological mother loved him and never once forgot him. His adoptive parents doted on my father.

OP I am so sorry. I believe you wanted the very best for your son. No one should judge another until you've walked a mile in their shoe's. You believed and trusted the people who were there to help you and guide you. You were a child yourself. I believe you did what you thought was best for your son.

Please don't give up on him. Even if it is just a letter every once in a while to tell him that you haven't given up on him and that no matter what, he is not forgotten.

Sorry, I just reread what I posted. Adoptive family moved without anyone knowing where they went. Still very emotional for me. That was the first time I saw my Father cry.

Money is a common factor.

My older brother was adopted soon after he was born. He went through the typical rebellion in high school. He's married now with 2 kids. After having a son with special needs, I've adopted 5 children with special needs. I have one child that has had some attachment problems but has made great progress over the years. All are happy, healthy and well adjusted. There are thousands of happy stories out there. I wish your son the best.

You have good reason to be concerned. My Bio family is white trash but it just made me appreciate my real family that much more. It also gave resolution to my Bio mom that I was OK. It was really good for her. I don't regret it. It was a cool experience. I found out my birth name, my nationality, explained my need to buy a motorcycle...nurture vs nature...definitely both. I kept in touch with them for several years and then kinda dropped out. It was too hard trying to keep up with two families for me & my best friend convinced me I didn't owe her anything. She died last year & I feel guilty. She still had me in her will & it had been many years since I had talked to her. I say go for it and just take out of it what is good for you. You didn't ask to be born. You did nothing to create this "situation". Good luck!

Me and my fraternal twin brother were put up for adoption at birth, mid 1960's by a Catholic, single mom. We were adopted by Catholic couple looking for two kids to adopt (luckily), and had a wonderful childhood, kept together. We were told at an early age that we were adopted, and didn't really think too much of it at the time. I would say we had a pretty great/normal childhood with all the advantages this great country has to offer.

I did a search in my 30's and found my birth mom (fairly expensive and had to use an agency), to let her know her sons were well adjusted and had no regrets. The main reason was to find her and let her know I was grateful for the gift of life and that her sons were doing just fine. I think this helped a lot, to heal her wounds and possible feelings of guilt.

We are still in touch, and have met, and now use social media and email for interaction.

Current relationship with parents (adoptive) is fine.

So yes, it is possible that adoptions can work out well. One has to have very low expectations and treat it as a journey. It is possible to have bad experiences with any relationship, and one has to realize that anything and everything can happen in life. You can affect only your own outlook.

There are great books (from Amazon) on the whole adoption experience, how to heal wounds, and what to expect (from bad to great). I think that many reunions don't go well, people are thinking they will magically become part of a new family. Frankly this probably doesn't occur very often, and many times the parent who gave the child up might not only have feelings of guilt, but also resent the intrusion. Certainly some birth (moms mostly) might be searching for their kids, and cause some friction when they find them since the kids may be confused and not be able to cope, especially if they didn't know they were adopted.

Thank you so much everyone, for adding to the thread. I'll try to catch up in the next few days. It just sorta took the wind out of me to filter all this for many days straight. Needed a small break. But this has been really great. Thank you, again.

BUMP... for a great thread.

Thank you. I really DO mean to get back to the issues here. So many replies and different experiences....it's all been great to read.

Wow. I miss my Mom telling me "It will be OK"....no matter what the momentary life 'trauma' was. Thank you for that.

I'm so glad your life turned out as it has, but I'm also very dismayed your b'mom doesn't have the want to know you better. I suspect just too much guilt. As I mentioned earlier, back then they told us to 'go home and forget'. i.e.: disassociate with the experience. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I wouldn't dare to suppose to know her entire circumstances with her decision, but I'd hazard a guess that a good portion of it is due to the verbiage used on us, coupled with the guilt.

At the time I was pregnant, my best friends mother was very good to me - more understanding than my own. Come to find out years later she'd had a son out of wedlock (late 40's or early 50's I presume). My friend didn't find out about her other sibling until years after my pregnancy. It finally came out in the late 80's...her Mom didn't want to talk about it. It's not that she didn't care about the child, she was just so damaged by the experience, mostly due to the time of going through it - IMHO.

There are good things about 'these days' (open adoption options) and bad things about 'these days' (too many to list).

Thank you so much for your reply.

We adopted two beautiful boys from birth, now teenagers and each is wonderful in his own way. Our older son is more sensitive than our younger one, but since they could talk they have known they were adopted and loved and that there are many ways to start a family. We are here on this earth for such a short while, and we are thankful God has blessed us with such wonderful boys.

As for you, Brazil, I want to give you a big shout out and tell you to "GO F**K YOURSELF". You are an idiot, and were probably a menace to your own biological parents. Show me some statistics on your stupid comments about adopted children having serious behavior problems.

Children adopted from birth have a much better chance of success than those brought into the adopted home after infancy. There are DOZENS of books and probably thousands of articles about the problems of children who were adopted after being placed in foster care.

I have wanted to reply to your comment since you posted - it just took more focus than I felt I had at the time, and didn't want to give 'canned' replies. So here I am, and I hope you're still around. I'll reply beneath your comments and bold my replies to differentiate.



10%? Wow. That's a really sobering number.

I hope you come back to see that I've replied, and that I thank you for your contribution to this thread.

I'm about to log off for the evening, but wanted to let you know that the bolded statement below really hit home.

(((huge hugs)))