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What's the best joke you've ever heard?

 
Rev StarGazer
Just a little bit batty

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08/19/2013 02:12 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
I've always thought this was funny

Say to someone "hey I have a good joke," they'll say what is it and u say "it's a knock knock joke.. U start." They say knock knock, u say who's there and the look on their face is priceless
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 12741808


Oh! I like that one!

purplecock
“If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.”
Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

"But ask the animals, and they will teach you,
or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you;
or speak to the earth, and it will teach you,
or let the fish in the sea inform you." - Job 12:7,8

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - Hunter S. Thompson

revstargazer (at) hotmail.com
Anonymous Coward
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08/19/2013 01:31 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
:dadstartrek:
 Quoting: deathpossum


That's actually true.bump
Person445 (OP)
The West Coast Truth

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08/19/2013 01:36 PM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
dadstartrek
 Quoting: deathpossum


That scene actually predates Star Trek.
Shows on the horizon: The Physics of Quantum Mechanics, The Birds of British Columbia, The Return of Greg Palast, The Wonderful World of Insects, The Vancouver Stand-up Comedy Special, The Physics of Football, The Mythology of Fairies and Gnomes, The Science of Fungi & Mushrooms, The Secret History of Torture and The Physics of Universal Foam [link to www.therussellscottshow.com]
deathpossum
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08/20/2013 03:27 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
why don't blondes in San Francisco wear mini skirts?


because their nuts would show!
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


Only on Polk St I think.
 Quoting: deathpossum


LOL! You know SF pretty well. Haven't been there since 2001, is Sukker's Liquors still there? ;)


I remember watching the news one night - mid '80s I believe - and they said the police department was recruiting on Folsom because they already knew how to use handcuffs. chuckle
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


I left that cesspool in 2001 also. However, I still miss my coffee shops on Haight that are now John Fluvog and whatever the fuck happened to Jammin Java on waller and cole. That was the best place evar. Cafe Abir is just too cold and no crowd like GLP (jammin java was GLP incarnate)
"Never attribute to stupidity what can easily be explained by ignorance."
- Robert A. Heinlein c.1941
Rev StarGazer
Just a little bit batty

User ID: 37891955
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08/20/2013 03:32 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
why don't blondes in San Francisco wear mini skirts?


because their nuts would show!
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


Only on Polk St I think.
 Quoting: deathpossum


LOL! You know SF pretty well. Haven't been there since 2001, is Sukker's Liquors still there? ;)


I remember watching the news one night - mid '80s I believe - and they said the police department was recruiting on Folsom because they already knew how to use handcuffs. chuckle
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


I left that cesspool in 2001 also. However, I still miss my coffee shops on Haight that are now John Fluvog and whatever the fuck happened to Jammin Java on waller and cole. That was the best place evar. Cafe Abir is just too cold and no crowd like GLP (jammin java was GLP incarnate)
 Quoting: deathpossum


Cafe Trieste on Grant was my addiction :)
“If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.”
Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

"But ask the animals, and they will teach you,
or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you;
or speak to the earth, and it will teach you,
or let the fish in the sea inform you." - Job 12:7,8

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - Hunter S. Thompson

revstargazer (at) hotmail.com
deathpossum
Don't paint me bro

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08/20/2013 03:38 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
dadstartrek
 Quoting: deathpossum


That scene actually predates Star Trek.
 Quoting: Person445


nerdsssss
"Never attribute to stupidity what can easily be explained by ignorance."
- Robert A. Heinlein c.1941
deathpossum
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08/20/2013 03:40 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
...


Only on Polk St I think.
 Quoting: deathpossum


LOL! You know SF pretty well. Haven't been there since 2001, is Sukker's Liquors still there? ;)


I remember watching the news one night - mid '80s I believe - and they said the police department was recruiting on Folsom because they already knew how to use handcuffs. chuckle
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


I left that cesspool in 2001 also. However, I still miss my coffee shops on Haight that are now John Fluvog and whatever the fuck happened to Jammin Java on waller and cole. That was the best place evar. Cafe Abir is just too cold and no crowd like GLP (jammin java was GLP incarnate)
 Quoting: deathpossum


Cafe Trieste on Grant was my addiction :)
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer



It seems I did hear of that place once...I dunno...I stayed always in the haight and sunset. haight had the best weirdos of course. I only drank at Zeitgeist though.
"Never attribute to stupidity what can easily be explained by ignorance."
- Robert A. Heinlein c.1941
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 03:41 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Why is there no Halloween in India?




Because ders no Ghandi:)
Rev StarGazer
Just a little bit batty

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08/20/2013 03:43 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Zeitgeist!!!

I got really really stoned with the Princess of Romania there chuckle

twas '97 I believe

...


LOL! You know SF pretty well. Haven't been there since 2001, is Sukker's Liquors still there? ;)


I remember watching the news one night - mid '80s I believe - and they said the police department was recruiting on Folsom because they already knew how to use handcuffs. chuckle
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


I left that cesspool in 2001 also. However, I still miss my coffee shops on Haight that are now John Fluvog and whatever the fuck happened to Jammin Java on waller and cole. That was the best place evar. Cafe Abir is just too cold and no crowd like GLP (jammin java was GLP incarnate)
 Quoting: deathpossum


Cafe Trieste on Grant was my addiction :)
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer



It seems I did hear of that place once...I dunno...I stayed always in the haight and sunset. haight had the best weirdos of course. I only drank at Zeitgeist though.
 Quoting: deathpossum


Last Edited by Rev Woo-Woo on 08/20/2013 03:44 AM
“If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.”
Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

"But ask the animals, and they will teach you,
or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you;
or speak to the earth, and it will teach you,
or let the fish in the sea inform you." - Job 12:7,8

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - Hunter S. Thompson

revstargazer (at) hotmail.com
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 03:43 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"
miserkocho2

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08/20/2013 03:45 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
why did the pervert cross the road?
cause his nob was stuck in the chicken
brought to you by carl's jnr.
CARLS JNR FUCK YOU,IM EATING!!
and Tarleton's cigarettes
IF YOU DONT SMOKE TARLETONS,FUCK YOU!!
deathpossum
Don't paint me bro

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08/20/2013 03:47 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Zeitgeist!!!

I got really really stoned with the Princess of Romania there chuckle

twas '97 I believe

 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


I got creamed by an ambulance in front of that place on my bike one night in Jan 2001. Honestly, I was going to cafe Abir to study for CCSF and just got flattened...got free drinks there for the longest time since they all betted I was dead. The garten was the bomb for sure!
"Never attribute to stupidity what can easily be explained by ignorance."
- Robert A. Heinlein c.1941
Rev StarGazer
Just a little bit batty

User ID: 37891955
United States
08/20/2013 04:03 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Zeitgeist!!!

I got really really stoned with the Princess of Romania there chuckle

twas '97 I believe

 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


I got creamed by an ambulance in front of that place on my bike one night in Jan 2001. Honestly, I was going to cafe Abir to study for CCSF and just got flattened...got free drinks there for the longest time since they all betted I was dead. The garten was the bomb for sure!
 Quoting: deathpossum


there used to be a string with a bell on the wall - ring to get weed from a guy living upstairs - he would lower it down in a basket
“If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.”
Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

"But ask the animals, and they will teach you,
or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you;
or speak to the earth, and it will teach you,
or let the fish in the sea inform you." - Job 12:7,8

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - Hunter S. Thompson

revstargazer (at) hotmail.com
deathpossum
Don't paint me bro

User ID: 24013362
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08/20/2013 04:15 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Zeitgeist!!!

I got really really stoned with the Princess of Romania there chuckle

twas '97 I believe

 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


I got creamed by an ambulance in front of that place on my bike one night in Jan 2001. Honestly, I was going to cafe Abir to study for CCSF and just got flattened...got free drinks there for the longest time since they all betted I was dead. The garten was the bomb for sure!
 Quoting: deathpossum


there used to be a string with a bell on the wall - ring to get weed from a guy living upstairs - he would lower it down in a basket
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


LOL! That doesn't surprise me. I didn't go there much in the day...was on a moto trip in 2007 and managed to have a few on Duc bike night. I was glad to see some things stay the same in SF.
"Never attribute to stupidity what can easily be explained by ignorance."
- Robert A. Heinlein c.1941
Rev StarGazer
Just a little bit batty

User ID: 37891955
United States
08/20/2013 04:26 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Zeitgeist!!!

I got really really stoned with the Princess of Romania there chuckle

twas '97 I believe

 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


I got creamed by an ambulance in front of that place on my bike one night in Jan 2001. Honestly, I was going to cafe Abir to study for CCSF and just got flattened...got free drinks there for the longest time since they all betted I was dead. The garten was the bomb for sure!
 Quoting: deathpossum


there used to be a string with a bell on the wall - ring to get weed from a guy living upstairs - he would lower it down in a basket
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


LOL! That doesn't surprise me. I didn't go there much in the day...was on a moto trip in 2007 and managed to have a few on Duc bike night. I was glad to see some things stay the same in SF.
 Quoting: deathpossum


A funny bit of trivia for you -

The owner of Zeitgeist is also the owner of The Rainbow Cattle Company in Guerneville in Sonoma - definitely NOT a biker bar or a cowboy bar...;)
“If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.”
Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

"But ask the animals, and they will teach you,
or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you;
or speak to the earth, and it will teach you,
or let the fish in the sea inform you." - Job 12:7,8

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - Hunter S. Thompson

revstargazer (at) hotmail.com
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08/20/2013 05:00 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
What do you call a hooker without legs? A Night Crawler.
lmao


Lonely guy on beach is tired of not having anyone speak to him.
He goes up to Popular guy and asks his secret.
"Put a Potato in your shorts" he says.
Loner follows advice but women now run away from him instead of ignoring him.
Goes back to Popular guy who says "Put the Potato in the FRONT of your shorts".
1rof1
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08/20/2013 05:06 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
my son came home and said "hey dad I got my first root tonight" I said "great work son sit down and tell me about it" ."cant dad my ass is too sorebanana2
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 09:45 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
3 old middle eastern ladies having coffee in the afternoon . one says - 'my mohammed would have been 22 today . its been 3 years since he was martyred ' . another says ' my achmed martyred only 18 months ago ' . the third sighs and says ' such a shame , they blow up so fast '
Nos : )
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08/20/2013 09:55 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Two nuns meet in town for coffee,
First nun said "did you come on the bus"
second nun said "yes, but i made out it was an asthma attack".
Nos : )
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08/20/2013 10:05 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Jane wakes up from her vaginal tuck op with 3 bunches of
flowers by the window, 1st from her husband with a card
saying "get well soon", 2nd from the surgen also with a
card saying "all went well", 3rd from billy on the burns
unit, card said "thanks for the new ears". :D
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 10:14 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Marcy's to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife (she's no dummy) thinks, 'I have an idea. so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot, followed by 14 other shots.

Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed coffin.
Molon Labe 2013

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08/20/2013 10:26 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
A priest and rabbi were on the lake fishing...and not having much luck.

The priest, bored to tears, turns to the rabbi and says, "We should have brought an alter boy."

The rabbi responds, "Why?"

The priest says, "So we could screw him."

The rabbi thought for a moment and said, "Out of what?"
Molon Labe 2013
Person445 (OP)
The West Coast Truth

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08/20/2013 10:32 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
A priest and rabbi were on the lake fishing...and not having much luck.

The priest, bored to tears, turns to the rabbi and says, "We should have brought an alter boy."

The rabbi responds, "Why?"

The priest says, "So we could screw him."

The rabbi thought for a moment and said, "Out of what?"
 Quoting: Molon Labe 2013


rofl

now that's funny!
Shows on the horizon: The Physics of Quantum Mechanics, The Birds of British Columbia, The Return of Greg Palast, The Wonderful World of Insects, The Vancouver Stand-up Comedy Special, The Physics of Football, The Mythology of Fairies and Gnomes, The Science of Fungi & Mushrooms, The Secret History of Torture and The Physics of Universal Foam [link to www.therussellscottshow.com]
Harry Palms

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08/20/2013 12:55 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
what did the lesbian frogs say to each other? …
we do taste like chicken!
Jetpack42

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08/20/2013 01:02 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said

"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty
as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this:

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we
couldn't get the damn jar open!"

5a
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 01:15 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
I always forget the good ones but I made a joke (albeit very bad)...

Why did Vladimir divorce his wife?
Because his wife stopped Putin out!

Boom-tish
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 12737722


Why did everyone run from Vlad after dinner?

He wouldn't stop Putin.


Dumb as hell, I know....
Person445 (OP)
The West Coast Truth

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Canada
08/20/2013 01:28 PM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said

"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty
as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this:

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we
couldn't get the damn jar open!"

5a
 Quoting: Jetpack42


Very funny.rofl
Shows on the horizon: The Physics of Quantum Mechanics, The Birds of British Columbia, The Return of Greg Palast, The Wonderful World of Insects, The Vancouver Stand-up Comedy Special, The Physics of Football, The Mythology of Fairies and Gnomes, The Science of Fungi & Mushrooms, The Secret History of Torture and The Physics of Universal Foam [link to www.therussellscottshow.com]
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 01:38 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 01:52 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Late at night all is quiet....

"Hon, why dont we try anal?"

"Fuck THAT shit!"

"Thats the spirit!"
Anonymous Coward
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Netherlands
08/20/2013 01:56 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
An old fart is sitting in the train when a georgeous woman is taking place across his seat. This woman looks at the old man and sees that all the wrinkles in his face dissapears. She says: Sir, what happened, all your wrinkles in the face dissapeared! He says: Yeah, I need the skin now somewhere else.

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