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What's the best joke you've ever heard?

 
No More Lies

User ID: 1178326
United States
08/20/2013 02:00 PM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said

"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty
as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this:

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we
couldn't get the damn jar open!"

5a
 Quoting: Jetpack42


rofl
Thanks for the upgrade!
nml
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 08:34 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Why does a squirrel swim on his back?
To keep his nuts dry!
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 08:37 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

cool2
REQUIEM with REASON

User ID: 3127066
United States
08/20/2013 08:43 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Quoted directly from my good friend in Kentucky. "The closer the Kin, the Deeper you're IN". That just happened.
Extreme Sarcasm is my Forte, Realism my Job. Check Yo Self before YO Wreck Yourself.
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 08:50 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 40124937


This is the best one so far!!
Breadalban

User ID: 45474782
United Kingdom
08/20/2013 08:58 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
I had to phone the police today when my nephew visited and told me that when he and his dad were alone he forced him to play 'willie up the bum'. They refused to listen to me though saying they don't believe a five year old could overpower a fully grown man.

My young daughter burst into the bedroom the other day and caught us doing it doggy style
'what you doing' she asked
'eh, making you someone to play with'
'yeah a wee brother or sister' she shouted as she danced out the room
'well technically a niece or nephew' I whispered.
Jase747

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08/20/2013 09:01 PM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Thread: IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER!!!!!!!!
Kinect

User ID: 44626146
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08/20/2013 09:02 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
I've always thought this was funny

Say to someone "hey I have a good joke," they'll say what is it and u say "it's a knock knock joke.. U start." They say knock knock, u say who's there and the look on their face is priceless
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 12741808


Oh! I like that one!

purplecock
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


Hey! I remember that! Are you "Da Purple Chicken?"

Loving the jokes!

hf
"The more we do to you, the less you seem to believe we are doing it." - Josef Mengele

"You can't fix stupid" - Ron White

"Whatever you do in life, leave it better than you found it."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 39030376
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08/20/2013 09:24 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 09:30 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
What do steroids and hurricanes have in common?



........






.......




.....




....



...




..





.




They both make Jamaicans run fast!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 39030376
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08/20/2013 09:33 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 09:51 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
What's the best joke you've ever heard?
 Quoting: Person445


Hope and Change
 Quoting: Useless Cookie Eater


THATS PRETTY DAMB FUNNY
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 45117910
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08/20/2013 09:58 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Nearly 100 year old joke .... Two guys don't have the $.50 for a bed in the flop house, so they pool there two quarters and agree to share it. Joe says fine and Frank goes on his way,
Late that night, Frank sneaks into the bed, trying to not wake Joe. Then Frank says in the dark, " Hey, Joe; quit fooling around with my backside !"

A voice behind him says, " This ISN'T Joe, and I'm NOT fooling !"
SweetLilTT

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08/20/2013 10:05 PM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
SweetLilTT
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Canada
08/20/2013 10:07 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
only joke I've ever remembered my whole life, and it's bad

likely only the canucks will get it


HOW DO YOU KILL A FOX??????


























CUT OFF HIS LEGS AND MAKE HIM RUN ACROSS CANADA.







*ducks*
Kinect

User ID: 44626146
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08/20/2013 10:15 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
"The more we do to you, the less you seem to believe we are doing it." - Josef Mengele

"You can't fix stupid" - Ron White

"Whatever you do in life, leave it better than you found it."
Snarf

User ID: 1528429
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08/20/2013 10:15 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
What's black, purple, and yellow?

A black person going to church.
Eissak

User ID: 6681743
Australia
08/20/2013 10:22 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Why did the blonde woman have bruises around her belly button?

Because blonde men are stupid too.
Doom is mood backwards
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 10:44 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Canada.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 34420233
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08/20/2013 10:45 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
What do sperm and a lawyer have in common....?

They both have about a 1 in a million chance of being a human being.




What did the leper say to the hooker?
"keep the tip"
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 252372
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08/20/2013 10:45 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
...


I got creamed by an ambulance in front of that place on my bike one night in Jan 2001. Honestly, I was going to cafe Abir to study for CCSF and just got flattened...got free drinks there for the longest time since they all betted I was dead. The garten was the bomb for sure!
 Quoting: deathpossum


there used to be a string with a bell on the wall - ring to get weed from a guy living upstairs - he would lower it down in a basket
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


LOL! That doesn't surprise me. I didn't go there much in the day...was on a moto trip in 2007 and managed to have a few on Duc bike night. I was glad to see some things stay the same in SF.
 Quoting: deathpossum


A funny bit of trivia for you -

The owner of Zeitgeist is also the owner of The Rainbow Cattle Company in Guerneville in Sonoma - definitely NOT a biker bar or a cowboy bar...;)
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


WILL YOU TWO GET A ROOM!

tomato
Anonymous Coward
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Mexico
08/20/2013 10:59 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did.


Not in screaming terror like the rest of the passengers in his car.
HypnoSlaveDoll

User ID: 30745222
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08/20/2013 11:02 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
only joke I've ever remembered my whole life, and it's bad

likely only the canucks will get it


HOW DO YOU KILL A FOX??????


























CUT OFF HIS LEGS AND MAKE HIM RUN ACROSS CANADA.







*ducks*
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 45145418


Hahaha! That's pretty bad! Terry Fox! (and I'm not even Canadian!)

hf
Check out 'STRANGE THINGS in the WOODS'!

[link to mybook.to]
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 11:04 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."
DrKnow
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Mexico
08/20/2013 11:04 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Little Johnny asked, "Daddy, what's the difference between 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?"

"Well, son, I could try to explain it, but it's easier if I just demonstrate it. Go downstairs, and ask your mother if she would sleep with a strange man for a million dollars."

Johnny goes downstairs, and when he returns he says, "She said yes, Dad! But what's the difference between 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?"

"OK, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with a strange man for, say, two million dollars."

Johnny goes upstairs, and when he returns he says, "She said yes, too, Dad! But I still don't get it! What's the difference between 'hypothetically' and realistically'?"

"Well, son, it's like this: hypothetically, we're sitting on three million dollars. But realistically, your mother and your sister are a couple of fucking whores!"
HypnoSlaveDoll

User ID: 30745222
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08/20/2013 11:12 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
There was a little boy with a speech impediment. He asked his father, "Dabby how tum I tawk dis way?" The man said he was busy, so go ask mom.

He finds his mom and asks, "Mobby, how tum I tawk dis way?" She tells him she's busy too, go ask somebody else.

The little boy walks outside and sees the postman. "Mibster, how tum I tawk dis way?"

The postman leans down and whispers "Hush your mouf... You wanna dit us bof killed?"
Check out 'STRANGE THINGS in the WOODS'!

[link to mybook.to]
Anonymous Coward
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08/20/2013 11:25 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 40124937


I literally laughed so hard I lost my breath, like a full minute of uncontrolled laughter, thank you for this ultimate laugh-gasm.
Creepy-Ass Cracker

User ID: 45494649
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08/21/2013 12:02 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
time to poke fun at the hippies now....


what do you call a hippy that just broke up with his girl friend?



homeless!





two hippies and a nun with a broken leg are waiting at a bus stop. the first hippy asks the nun, "how'd you break your leg sister?" the nun replied, "oh, I slipped in the bath tub." the second hippy turns to his friend and whispers, "what's a bath tub?" his friend answers, "how should I know? I'm not Catholic!"
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


Where in the world did you dig up hippies? Aren't they on the Endangered Species List?
Creepy-Ass Cracker, the next best thing to a Super Hero!
Eissak

User ID: 6681743
Australia
08/21/2013 12:25 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
funny dearth

Last Edited by Nick Nailher (Eissak) on 08/21/2013 12:26 AM
Doom is mood backwards
Anonymous Coward
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08/21/2013 12:30 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
I'll start it off with one of my favorites:

The first time I had sex was a frightening experience... it was dark and I was all alone
 Quoting: Person445


You know who it came from, right?

norespect

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