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Fun with the Islamic Calendar!

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1620602
United States
09/12/2013 11:05 AM
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Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
I'm stealing from this thread Thread: Enjoyed this article: I Love America - And I Love This About America because I don't think the poster did a good enough job pointing out just how (to quote from the article) "trippy" the Islamic calendar is in this article he linked [link to www.nukingpolitics.com] The translations are great!

When I reread this, I skip the 4th of July parts and just focus on the section about the calendar. You can get bogged down in the rest, because the writer doesn’t know when to shut up, but the calendar part of the article should be taught in our schools - and not just in comedy class!
T-Man

User ID: 29080459
Netherlands
09/12/2013 11:08 AM

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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
how about some actual info on the calendar plus some storys about what makes it so funny tho? :D
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 1620602
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09/12/2013 11:26 AM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
how about some actual info on the calendar plus some storys about what makes it so funny tho? :D
 Quoting: T-Man


Happy to!

Quoting at length from the article:
*****

It is an example of the kind that's known as "an attempt at a Lunar Calendar", as opposed to what we follow here in the West, which is a "Considerably More Accurate Calendar". It contains 12 months, but that’s pretty much where its resemblance to ours ends.

I’ve taken a stab at rendering their names in modern American English:

1: That's Forbidden Because It’s Sinful

This is considered a "holy month”, one of four, which means they start off their year steeped in a cognitive dissonance so deep and vast it is scarcely comprehendible by Western non-Marxist minds, especially since none of their non-holy months are called names like “That’s Permitted - You're Now Free To Go Hog Wild”, although now that I think about it, even if that were the case, I seriously doubt they'd use the term "hog wild", because if they did it would reach a level of searing irony unbearable by the human psyche because, well, just look what they call their first month!

“That's Forbidden Because It’s Sinful” contains "Don't Forget to Beat Yourself with Knives Day", which is a “festival (?)” they hold because they're all distraught and completely beside themselves mourning the untimely death of a guy who was only famous because he was someone else's grandson.

What? Don't think people still care about that sort of thing? Well I guess you didn't watch or read any news this past week because - trust me - the media would just not shut up about a brand new “someone who just started off in life famous for being someone else's great-grandson”, and it is just totally overwhelmingly so so sad that he (the guy we were originally talking about, not the new British Royal Baby) was martyred in battle (yeah, I couldn't work that one out either – just roll with it).

I guess we should try to be understanding... after all, it was a great loss, and people need time to grieve.

We all know that “time heals all wounds” – they'll eventually get over him, stand straight, square their shoulders, and with heads held high, while wiping away a final tear, get on with their lives, and with bringing their culture into a century a bit closer to ours.

In the meantime we just need to be patient. After all, it's only been 1333 years.

2: We was Robbed!
T-Man

User ID: 29080459
Netherlands
09/12/2013 11:38 AM

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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
lol NICE! thanks :) im off the read the rest now :D
Anonymous Coward
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09/12/2013 12:47 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
I almost squealed like a pig at this-

6: Dry Desolate Wasteland II

In America, “Time Flies”.

In Mexico, “The Clock Walks”.

In Islamic cultures, “The Eons Just Lay There Sulking in Sackcloth and Ashes”, apparently. Torn sackcloth at that, and fresh ashes.

Always really, really fresh ashes.

-thanks for the link. Is anything about Islam not completely screwed up?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1209503
United States
09/12/2013 01:27 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
When I hit your link, it fails. Don't know why because it looks like the one that works for me, which is [link to www.nukingpolitics.com]

Oink ! Oink! Jihad!
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/13/2013 08:52 AM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
bump
Anonymous Coward
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09/14/2013 02:00 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
yessir

bump
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25081504
United States
09/14/2013 07:51 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
When I hit your link, it fails. Don't know why because it looks like the one that works for me, which is [link to www.nukingpolitics.com]

Oink ! Oink! Jihad!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1209503


Thanks for the fixed link!

Squeeeeeeeeeeel Ahkbar!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 46859575
Australia
09/14/2013 07:54 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
Nearly as good as Russ's New devil calendar
son of God New Jerusalem Russ

User ID: 918534
United States
09/14/2013 08:05 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
Nearly as good as Russ's New devil calendar
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46859575


The New Jerusalem calendar is the most awesome Christian calendar on Earth. Jesus is not the devil. The devil is the devil.


Fri Aug 6/29/13
son of God New Jerusalem Russ

User ID: 918534
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09/14/2013 08:14 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
The great thing about the New Jerusalem calendar is now you have eyes to see all of the other calendars.

The fact is the New Jerusalem calendar is the best most modern Christian calendar of all time.


Fri Aug 6/29/13
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9851545
United States
09/14/2013 08:17 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
When I hit your link, it fails. Don't know why because it looks like the one that works for me, which is [link to www.nukingpolitics.com]

Oink ! Oink! Jihad!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1209503


Thanks for the fixed link!

Squeeeeeeeeeeel Ahkbar!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 25081504


You are aware that your own beloved leaders and holy men are only using you for their own enrichment, yes?

Do you actually think they're going to give you a cut of the action for your efforts?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 6321116
United States
09/15/2013 12:03 AM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
When I hit your link, it fails. Don't know why because it looks like the one that works for me, which is [link to www.nukingpolitics.com]

Oink ! Oink! Jihad!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1209503


Thanks for the fixed link!

Squeeeeeeeeeeel Ahkbar!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 25081504


You are aware that your own beloved leaders and holy men are only using you for their own enrichment, yes?

Do you actually think they're going to give you a cut of the action for your efforts?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 9851545


Even though the question wasn't asked of ME, let me butt in here with a replying question: WHAT IN THE WORLD could you have possibly gleaned from AC 25081504's or AC 1209503's "this link worked instead"/"gee thanks" posts that would lead you to believe either of them even HAVE such a thing as "beloved leaders and holy men"???

I mean granted - they may BOTH worship at the feet of politicians and priests - who knows? - but there's no evidence either way in those few words. Of all possible conclusions you could jump to, what dragged your brain down that particular path?

Of course, there's always the possibility your brain was already WELL DOWN that path to start with, in which case you're just advertising your own biases even in the most unrelated posts.

Listen: When the comments from random average TROLLS start making more relative sense than your own, seek help!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 44693278
Canada
09/15/2013 12:18 AM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
Nearly as good as Russ's New devil calendar
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46859575


The New Jerusalem calendar is the most awesome Christian calendar on Earth. Jesus is not the devil. The devil is the devil.


Fri Aug 6/29/13
 Quoting: son of God New Jerusalem Russ


There is no Devil. Just people with opinions and of course people without the ethics to determine their place.

The balance will be done. And there will be no New Jerusalem. This time accept Elijah as he is, or no dice. Shuned TWICE and dismissed on arrival.

Not this time. Judgment then Elijah. The old forgotten for a thousand years of peace. There will never be a Jerusalem again. Everyone is going back under one umbrella and it'll stay that way until people get off this rock.

Otherwise, only devil anyone should curb is their own. Ridiculous to presume otherwise. Why would a devil care what people do to humiliate themselves. Like asking a traffic cop if they have to wait very long to hand out another ticket. They don't. Ever.

Besides devil didn't make anyone do a damn thing. They choose their path all by themselves and everyone lines up to sell something to help the cause don't they? And I'll describe exactly the punishment waiting for all the sinners. Nothing different from anyone else.

All die and all are Judged. What happens after that point is an apparent trade secret because it's only GUESSED as what happens. Lots of 'maybes'.

This time Elijah shows up, everyone better use their fucking ears. But of course, first Judgment. Then 1000 years of peace of good hearts and brave hearts.

Not gun slingers, or warriors or anyone with blood on their hands directly or by proxy. Orders by the lord are excused on command. Orders given by men...no. There is only one King.

So god never asked for that, ever. Why would a god need warriors to defend his own shit? He wouldn't. His light is true and all shall know him. It's certainly not a request, it's a statement.
Anonymous Coward
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09/15/2013 05:26 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
Most unusual suggestion for the origin of the Saharah I've ever read. Ridiculous to even consider. Too silly to contemplate. And yet... and yet... I keep thinking back the origins of the "Dustbowl" years in America and wondering - is it really THAT far-fetched?
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/15/2013 05:46 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
I want that calendar on a t-shirt!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 6321116
United States
09/15/2013 07:31 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
I want that calendar on a t-shirt!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24232281


Which version? "New and Improved"?

1: That's Forbidden Because It’s Sinful
2: We was Robbed!
3: Spring I
4: Spring II
5: Dry Desolate Wasteland I
6: Dry Desolate Wasteland II
7: Honor
8: Scattered and Dying of Thirst
9: Scorched
10: Hopefully The Camel is Pregnant By Now
11: Cease Fire!
12: Sorry! Can't Stay and Fight - I Gotta Go Walk In Circles Around a Meteor!

or "Old and Oppressive"? (explanations from wikipedia)

1. Muharram - "forbidden" - so called because battle was set aside (haram) during this month. Muharram includes the Day of Ashura.
2. Safar - "void" - supposedly named because pagan Arabs looted during this month and left the houses empty.
3. Rabi’ al-awwal (Rabi’ I) - "the first spring".
4. Rabi’ al-thani (Rabi’ II) - "the second (or last) spring".
5. Jumada al-awwal (Jumada I) - "the first month of parched land". Often considered the pre-Islamic "summer".
6. Jumada al-thani (Jumada II) - "the second (or last) month of parched land".
7. Rajab - "respect" or "honor". This is another sacred month in which fighting was traditionally forbidden.
8. Sha'ban - "scattered", marking the time of year when Arab tribes dispersed to find water.
9. Ramadan - "scorched". Ramadan is the most venerated month of the Hijri calendar during which Muslims must fast from dawn till sunset and must give charity to the poor.
10. Shawwal - "raised", as she-camels normally would be in calf at this time of year.
11. Dhu al-Qi'dah - "the one of truce". Dhu al-Qa'da was another month during which war was banned.
12. Dhu al-Hijjah - "the one of pilgrimage", referring to the annual Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca, the Hajj.

Absolutely STONE AGE! (or at least "Sand Age")

zombies
Anonymous Coward
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09/16/2013 03:40 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
My vote would be for the new & improved version, with scandalous bacon artwork decorating each moon cycle.
Anonymous Coward
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09/17/2013 03:05 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
What will the muzzie calendar look like once people conquer Mars, assuming we can't ban them from settling there?

How would pray towards Meccah from another planet or a revolving space station?

Better yet, if you were on a boat at coordinates:
-21.422509756558238, -140.17383098602295
and were a muzzie, could you pray in any old direction you wished since that's the Meccah Meteor's antipode?
Anonymous Coward
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09/17/2013 03:06 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
What will the muzzie calendar look like once people conquer Mars, assuming we can't ban them from settling there?

How would pray towards Meccah from another planet or a revolving space station?

Better yet, if you were on a boat at coordinates:
-21.422509756558238, -140.17383098602295
and were a muzzie, could you pray in any old direction you wished since that's the Meccah Meteor's antipode?
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/18/2013 09:35 AM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
What will the muzzie calendar look like once people conquer Mars, assuming we can't ban them from settling there?

How would pray towards Meccah from another planet or a revolving space station?

Better yet, if you were on a boat at coordinates:
-21.422509756558238, -140.17383098602295
and were a muzzie, could you pray in any old direction you wished since that's the Meccah Meteor's antipode?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24952126


Wondered that for years! Kinda like every direction being south from the north pole. We need a ruling! Hey imams what say you?
Anonymous Coward
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09/19/2013 09:30 AM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
bump
Anonymous Coward
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09/19/2013 09:30 AM
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bump
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 46766463
Saudi Arabia
09/19/2013 09:59 AM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
Some people are just ignorant.....they make fun of things they are not used to.
Anonymous Coward
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09/19/2013 11:01 AM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
..Calendar forgot to mention the weekly hump ur neighbors goat day....jihad2
Anonymous Coward
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09/19/2013 11:48 PM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
Some people are just ignorant.....they make fun of things they are not used to.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46766463


Better than killing anyone who disagrees with you...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27680504
United States
09/24/2013 09:41 AM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
Piggy squeal bump jihad!
Anonymous Coward
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09/26/2013 09:29 AM
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Re: Fun with the Islamic Calendar!
Some people are just ignorant.....they make fun of things they are not used to.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46766463


Better than killing anyone who disagrees with you...
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 6321116


^This!

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