Princeton Study: Chipmunk’s Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans

PRINCETON, NJ—Highlighting the small woodland creature’s ability to set long-term objectives and competently follow through on them, a Princeton University report released Thursday found that a local 2-year-old eastern chipmunk had crafted a far more secure and responsible future for itself than 8 out of 10 Americans.

Researchers stated that the striped 7-inch mammal displayed a degree of foresight and determination far exceeding that of the average U.S. citizen. In contrast to most Americans, the chipmunk was said to routinely work toward meaningful goals in an orderly and decisive manner without procrastinating for days on end, melodramatically sighing and complaining, or becoming immediately sidetracked by emails or online videos.

“During our 15 months of observation, we found that this chipmunk was better able to formulate plans, execute them, and ultimately enjoy a more balanced and stable life than a full four-fifths of the U.S. population,” said lead researcher Caroline Meehan, noting that the 3-ounce creature possessed sounder judgment and greater self-control than an estimated 250 million Americans. “Indeed, this chipmunk was able to accurately anticipate its wants and needs as far as weeks, months, or even a year ahead of time, whereas 80 percent of our human subjects were entirely incapable of looking beyond their next meal or that night’s television programming.”



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