"Attention all GLPrs:

I have the cure for stupidity. Please send me 199.99 and I will send you a one page set of instructions to heal your idiocy!

Attention Attractive GLP Ladies:

Salvation is in my penis! Please come to my house sans panties then get on my bed on your hands and knees and face the painting at the head of the bed.

Do not mind the strange sensation at first that is just my holy tongue preparing your vagina for my divine rod! Within 12-25 minutes of your first orga...I mean sensation of divine goodness, I will have given you my divine spirit!

You may then shower, make me a sammich, and leave!"

Eidtors Note: The author above is 11-years-old. That he he lost his penis in a tragic tricycle accident seven years ago only fuels his fantasy of being an obnoxious, balding, 38 year-old male still living with his mother.