what kind of mother doesn't want to see her child after a month?

Well I do .. they are quite messed up at the moment.

Are you ready for this ?

Who the fuck are you to judge them? which Perfect Pill do you take?

Raise the child and shut your judgemental mouth up.

But for the grace of God GO YOU!

I think the baby is better off without them.

Seeing as I am the one who is taking on the responsibility of raising this baby, when I also have 3 children of my own, I think I get to comment on the parent's behavior.

If they don't clean up their act, they'll never be reunified with their baby. As a mother, I can't understand how another mother could just walk away from her baby.

You should keep your mouth shut OP.

Some drug addict friend of that pos SIL is going to whisper into her ear and tell her that she could be getting money from the state for having that child instead.

Don't encourage contact with the baby unless you want to see life ruined in the future.

As of right now, she is. Her parents neglected to take her to physical therapy 6 months ago, and that, combined with leaving her in a baby walker or swing all day, has led to gross motor developmental delays.

I've already got her in PT and she's making huge strides.

Addiction is a terrible thing and destroys people.

Once addiction over takes a person, they are not like normal people. They are only slaves to their drug of choice.

Fuck off. You can judge a meth head with no maternal instincts.
Choices can be judged.

I'm seeing that. It's so sad.

Drug users are ignorant animals.

No, you fuck off to the nearest mirror and apologise to God that your so fucking perfect !!!

How dare you judge another human being! Asshole!

Like the self-righteous OP - 'Oh look at me, I'm so fucking perfect' patronising imperfect woman.

I can't stand anyone that thinks their above another - 'the haughty will be slammed when their arrogance thinks 'they are perfect' ...

Well, one day, we are probably going to have to go back to court to convince the judge to allow us to adopt the baby. We have a legally binding custody court order, so no one can take the baby away without going to court first.

But in the future, I don't want to be accused of parental alienation if I'm trying to adopt my niece. Like, if the mother says she did everything she could to have a relationship with her baby, and I blocked her at every turn, that would look terrible in court and I could lose the case. But if I have proof that I left the doors of communication open, and she never walked through them, the case will definitely go in my favor.

I'd slap you in the head and smash your heart with compassion, mercy and grace if I were close enough to do it!

All I can tell you is that you are not alone.

My ex wife just went through almost a year of dealing with DCF. I had to hire a lawyer to defend me in HER DCF case.

After thousands of dollars spent they closed the case and she kept her parental rights.

Literally one week after it closed she stopped picking up the boys for her 49% time-sharing.

She has seen them one time for 3 hours in the last 4.5 months. She lives at home with her parents after losing her apartment and still doesn't call to see and/or pickup the boys.

I doesn't make any sense to me how a mother can do this. Its totally unreal.

It is. But addicts also can recover. They just have to want it. I see that from your Brother and I hope he does. It is not an easy fight but a worthy one. Many do recover. Blessings.

The addiction is stronger than her maternal instinct right now. When you are in the midst of your addiction, ALL you can care about is your next fix. When an addict comes down off that high, the depression strikes and pulls them under, and they start to think about their kid. The guilt wracks them, the emotional pain .. and it begins all over again when they go for that next fix.

While your SIL is messed up on drugs, do NOT expect ANYTHING at this point. I'm sorry, but you're judging her behavior while she is a very sick person. Sick people like your SIL do not grasp reality or hold on to it for long.

Her maternal instincts will not return, until she is clean for a good long while.

I know this, why? A good friend of mine was in the same situation. She did drugs... abandoned her baby on her family and took off.... didn't call for years, then one day out of blue, after she got clean and out of rehab and started her life over, she wanted the baby, which of course was now grown into a 4 yo.

Like I said, please do not have any expectations right now. She is sick, and there's nothing you can do. Thank GOD you are there for the baby. If you can, love and care for the baby. The baby needs a loving, safe home, and a loving stand in mother.

Did you hear me OP?

Yes, at least he's trying right now. Unfortunately, I don't think he would be capable of raising his daughter by himself even if he recovers from addiction. He's never in his adult life been responsible for himself, so we shall have to see.

Maybe she feels like she does not deserve them. Maybe she feels like she will only wreck their lives. This is a deep emotional issue. I don't think it's because she doesn't care, there is a reason for why she does not want to see them. Don't attack her, or judge. Try to talk to her about this. For your children's sake, see if you can repair and help her build a relationship with them again (if she is clean and not a danger to them).

Some addicts feel like they messed up so badly, they don't know how to begin again with their children.

If you are on speaking terms with her, try to support her a bit by inviting her to meet you a the park with the kids so she can see them and spend time there. See if you can include her with activities and the kids. She might start to regain confidence in herself again... and want to take them on her own again.

Once clean, many women do not have self confidence with their children.

Yes, and the should be sterilized before something else terrible happens

We will move towards adoption if more than a year goes by without her changing. It isn't fair to the baby to have a stable loving home for years and then just be uprooted because mom finally decided to get clean.
She's been offered the opportunity to get in to a good rehab here that works on a sliding scale so it won't cost her much at all, but she is refusing any help.

I hear what you are saying. It is possible that there is no drug use. She has disappeared like this before.

I believe this was done to her by her mother and father and as a result she has no maternal instincts.

I would be more inclined to press for her to see the kids if she showed SOME sign of being interested in seeing them.

However the thought that she is too embarrassed about losing her apartment and not paying her lawyer has crossed my mind.

(Sorry OP, not trying to steal your thread!)

Why would you want your brother's kid?

Are the child's grandparents still around?

I have the same situation but with my daughter. She gave me guardianship in 2012 and never saw her since. I have a friend that did the same thing, only her daughter showed up years later and was granted back her parental rights and now that kid is a mess. That scared me so I contacted an attorney and since my daughter has had no contact for over a year I was able to adopt my grandson, change name and social security number all without their consent because I did not know how to locate the parents. I highly suggest you do this.

Give it a rest man. You're making a fool out of yourself.

People need to take responsibility for their actions. No one forced them to take drugs. They choose to. Especially with a baby. If they are that selfish then they need to be judged and punished.

It's called selfishness. And it has nothing to do,with the raising of child that causes it. It is drugs period. That's all they care about.

Addicts who are trapped in active addiction seldom are. But once true recovery happens, they start maturing. It has been said those in active addiction stop maturing mentally as long as they are using. Keep the faith.

I would venture to guess some combination of:

-the influence of her drug addiction and the toll that's taken on her mind
-ignorance & lack of awareness
-perhaps some degree of an almost subconscious feeling of guilt surrounding her inability to care for her own child. Visiting the child or checking up on her may evoke these painful feelings so she engages in avoidance and conscious denial?



Do you know anything about her family history pertaining to her relationship with her own parents?

Yes, if things don't completely turn around for them in about a year, we will move towards adoption. I totally believe it would mess this little girl up from going from having an awesome family with "brothers" and a "sister" to going back to people she won't even know.

Even if my brother cleans himself up, I believe we can convince him to grant us the ability to adopt her, and he can be in her life, daily if he wants to.

Why wouldn't I? She's my family. The maternal grandparents are in denial about their daughter's condition and are enabling her by giving her money. They both work, and aren't financially stable (facing bankruptcy). My parents are divorced from each other. My mother wouldn't want to raise her, and my father is working all the time, so he can't. Out of all the immediate family, my his hand and I are in the best position, financially and emotionally, to raise her.

That's what family is for, right?