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Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64905
United States
09/13/2006 02:07 AM
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National Counterterrorism Center
McLean, Virginia
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. It's a real pleasure to be here at Counterterrorism Central, speaking to all you wonderful folks. Each and every one of you deserves a big ol' Texas-style pat on the behind for stopping that plot to blow up them British planes. Especially that Jack Bauer fella. Stand up, Jack!


Guess he's on vacation. Hell, he's earned it. Guy doesn't even go to the bathroom for days at a time. Anyway, this was another major victory in the war on my critics – I mean, the war on terror. Every plot you guys stop is one more thing I can rub in the faces of every pantywaist liberal sissycrat who thinks we should pull out of Vietraq – or not drop thousands upon thousands of bombs on Iran. Best of all, since the plot involved the airlines, I get to make 9/11TM references all day long, and there's nothing nobody can say about it! Yeehaw! Nine E-fucking-leven!


When I first began my Holy War on Terror in the aftermath of 9/11TM, there were some whiny, un-American, freedom-hating, hippy fags out there who said that it would be unwinnable. Well, to them I say, suck my enormous, 3% mass-mandated chubby! If you need proof that we're winning this war, look no further than our airlines. Before Bush: terrorists just flying all willy-nilly around the country, waving their bottled water and over-the-counter medications in our faces. With Bush: airline travelers are finally free from the fear of cans of soda, packs of Tylenol, and bottles of hand moisturizer. Chalk one up in the "win" column, my friends!

Truth is, every terrorist plot y'all stop brings us one step closer to achieving our great and glorious ultimate goal: me doing anything I goddamn want. (Thumbs Up.) Yes, with every fear-mongering headline about "terror in the skies", I get a few weeks of unopposed power. Soon, I'll have the whole country scared into doing exactly what I say, because if they don't, the big bad terrorists are gonna blow them up with a bottle of Snapple and a Mr. Goodbar. And once I've got the whole country hanging on my every word like the docile, patrio-fascist zombies they should be, I can start another war with whoever I damn well please.


So, to all the terrorists out there, let me just say this: your days are numbered. You tried to attack our planes and we took away everyone's ability to bring shampoo onboard an airplane. Bam! Score one for us! Attack our planes again, and we'll take away ALL carry-on luggage, and clothes. All-naked flights! After that, we'll start probing every stinky hole on every last passenger. And THEN how you gonna attack us, huh? Didn't think of that one, did you, smartass? Our victory is motherfucking inevitable!

I thought the best news of my year was going to be people swallowing the whole, "Iran was responsible for the Israel-Lebanon War, so let's get 'em" thing. But if that goes sour, it's okay! I can still get World War III up and running. The fact that these terrorists were flying out of England just proves that there are evil, America-hating terrorist cells all over the U.K. So following Israel's logic, that means it's time for "Operation Bomb the Fuck Out of Limeystan"! Every President since Washington has wanted the chance to do it, but I'm the one who actually gets to. Thanks, Jesus! (Thumbs up.)


In closing, you Counterterrorism folks are great, but the people I really have to thank are the terrorists themselves. Since coming into office, I've shredded the Constitution, invaded countries just to settle scores for my wussy dad, and turned ignorance and rampant bigotry into national policy. And I've been hailed as the greatest American hero since Santa Claus. Why? Because you suicide-bombing retards haven't picked up on the simple fact that waving your toy guns around on some crappy VHS tape isn't going to scare the American people into kicking my ass onto the streets. I don't know if wrapping towels around your heads keeps the smart waves from getting in or what, but here's a lesson for ya from a Yale man: the more you threaten us, the more the stupid, scared sheep in this country are gonna line up behind their lord and savior, the great Captain Cowboy, A.K.A. yours truly. So stay the course, terrorists! If you keep helping me out like this, I'm gonna start giving you guys cushy cabinet jobs.