I Went to the Circus and Met BB-8's Retarded Cousin Tonight.

*sigh*

Just got back from taking my kids to a local traveling 'Circus' and Holy Fuck....well, at least the kids had fun.

Their tickets (which were free for kids and distributed at gas station counters for the past week), said free pictures with BB-8, from Star Wars. I thought, oh cool, they have one of those full size working models or something, my son would love that!

Well, we got there early and arrived at what looked like the set of a movie called 'Touched by a Carny'.

They advertised face painting, my son picked out this cool looking snake design, we paid..then this chubby little 11 yr old Mexican kid came out of the tent and painted some worm/booger looking thing on my kid's forehead.

We had an hour of standing in line to get in to the main tent...while we were waiting we could go and pet an old, ragged, depressed-looking llama if we so chose.

Finally inside the tent, the one ring circus stood before us in all of its 15 foot wide splendor. Looking up, the tent was patched all over with countless rolls of duct tape.

I bought some nachos.

The ringmaster, an older Mexican in a homemade red suit with lots of sequins sewn on came out and plugged the snack stand, then announced the first act.

YAY...a woman who could do not one, NOT two..but THREE hula hoops at the same time! WOOHOO!

OK, I told myself...crappy shit first...good stuff might come later.

After hoop girl was finished, The ringmaster went on a peanut selling spree..ONLY ONE DOLLAR...YOU MIGHT FIND A COUPON AND WIN.....A BALLOON!!!! OMG!

Kids went nuts for parents to give them a dollar....I think only 3-4 of them actually got a pack of peanuts with a free balloon.

NEXT ACT!!!.....Same fucking hula hoop girl in a new costume...only this time she's the master of the amazing trained dog act....which consisted of one little yappy dog that liked to jump, ........so when it jumped in the air, she'd try to swing a hula hoop underneath it to make it look like it was actually jumping through the hoop and not nothing more than a hyper jumpy little doggie.

..Next...ringmaster brought out balloons....and sold them for 1 dollar each (HAHA fuck the little kids who got peanuts...should have waited!)

Then we were amazed by a fat young Mexican who could balance a guitar on his chin.

Then they sold cheap plastic lightsabers which the ringmaster exclaimed YOU CAN ONLY GET THESE IN NEW YORK.

I bought one for 10$, my son just swung it around a few times and it broke...I guess they didn't notice the giant 'Made in China' sticker on the plastic blade....but oh, well...NO REFUNDS! so On with the show!

Star Wars music started to play.....the ringmaster announced for everyone who wanted pictures with BB-8 to form a line....we joined the queue.

The curtain opened...AND....there was a Yoga Ball with an upside down bowl on top that had some shit glued to it here and there and painted to somewhat resemble BB-8 if you squinted. As the kids took turns getting their pictures taken it kept falling over and they had to keep righting and balancing it.

The same hula girl came out yet again afterwards and twirled around in a net a dazzling 5 or 6 feet off the ground while striking various dramatic poses.

Then...the finale....THE HUMAN VOLCANO!!!!!!!
(the same fat Mexican who balanced shit on his face was now dressed like Zorro and did a 'fire breathing' act by filling his mouth with actual fucking charcoal lighter fluid and spitting it at a torch)

Wow...what a Night!