If I cannot accept forgiveness will I always fail as a Christian? (Serious, life or death question)

I will be doing my best to moderate this thread. I'm at my wits end and I need to find an answer to this problem - and soon!

I believe, by faith, that Jesus Christ (or Yahushua ha Moshiach - no, His name wasn't Jesus but I also don't claim to know the proper spelling either as I've seen many variations) is my Lord and Savior.

I believe, by faith, that He died for the sins of the world.

I believe, by faith, that He was crucified, died and was buried and on the third day rose from the dead in fulfillment of the scriptures.

I believe, by faith, that He is the Son of God and IS God.

I believe, by faith, that He is coming again to judge the living and the dead and that His kingdom will have no end.

I believe in God's Word that says that if I confess with my mouth that "Jesus is Lord" and believe that God raised Him from the dead then I will be saved.

I have studied the Scriptures so many times. Front and back. I read the Bible. I meditate on His word. I pray. I try my absolute best to walk according to the Scriptures.

What I CANNOT believe, no matter how hard I try to bring myself to accept this - is that a wretch such as myself could be forgiven.

I KNOW that this sets me apart from God and shows that I am 'leaning on my own understanding' and some have even said that refusing to forgive myself is trying to make myself out to be God by saying that 'I know better than He does'. I understand why some would suggest this.

I know I am sick. I know that I am a sinner. There is scarce a sin that exists in the hearts and minds of the wicked that I have not done or thought about doing at some point. I am a sinner of the highest order. I know that I NEED a savior. I NEED to be forgiven and to receive salvation and grace.

But if I cannot ever forgive myself and truly accept and believe, by faith, that I am forgiven and washed in the Blood of the Lamb; of Jesus Christ; then HOW can I ever live a successful Christian life?

Why do I remain so empty?

Am I doomed? Am I forever lost?

Or is this spiritual warfare?

If I cannot ever earn my way into Heaven except to live BY FAITH and to accept the FREE GIFT of Grace through Jesus Christ then WHY would I need to forgive myself anyway?

Wouldn't Jesus or God understand me that I cannot forgive myself so that His forgiveness would be sufficient, just as His grace is sufficient for me?

People tell me all the time that if I can't ever forgive myself then I will never be saved.

Oh well.

If I wind up in Hell then, as David says in Psalm 139:8, "if I make my bed in Hell, behold Thou art there."