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My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.

 
Befuddled
User ID: 176490
United States
04/19/2007 11:00 PM
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My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
He didn't even cry when his mother died. But then again he is a rather cold loner type of guy. He has very few friends, and they are actually old childhood friends. He says he has tried to cry, but can't do it, all he gets is a few tears. He says the last time he cried was when he was about 6 years old. He says the only thing that happens when he gets choked up, is that he gets angry. He says he doen't understand why people cry when they should be angry. That crying is just feeling sorry for yourself. He says he doesn't understand why people let bad things slow them down, and that they should have righteous anger that should keep them going. He thinks people who get epressed are weak, no matter how sad something was. He doen't mourn anything. He is opsessive compulsive about everything in his life. Cleaning, money, lifting weights. When we broke up temporarily he got worse. We were doing pretty good, but all the people around us started putting pressure on us, (his family, my family, my friends, and even strangers)and he got cold feet. He admitted he does this to everyone,keeping them all at a distance, that he had always built walls between himself and others. He admitted it is hard for him to trust women as more than friends.
He has a childish attitude about his close friends, though, they are all blindly loyal to each other even to a fault, he insists that they will still be friends till the day they die, no matter what happens. To me that is too much trust to place in opne person. I found out he doesn't really share his feelings with his friends much.

What is funny is his little brother is exactly the opposite, very clingy, and a stalker.

Well, I was looking through some photos the oher day, and I found the court papers from his parent's divorce and I think it really made some pieces fall into place. I found out that there was a long custody battle(like 10 years after the divorce which happened when he was 6) between his mother and father over his little brother and himself. The father moved far away to keep the kids away from mom. The kids were both raised by caretakers from the age of 10 days on, because the parents were both big partiers, and the mom used drugs and drank, even when she was pregnent. They were well off so they could afford to have nannies. His mom got remarried after a few years and his dad got remarried three times after that and finally seems stable.

Allegedly the mom sexually abused the kids and had them sleep and shower with her even until they were pretty old.
She had sex with her boyfriends in front of them. I don't know. The mom died right after I met him before I had a chance to meet her. My boyfriend was the exectutor of her will and wanted nothing in return. He didn't seem upet much by it. She died right after her 2nd husband died and right after she moved closer to her two sons.

Is there any hope for my boyfriend? I think he could use ome help, but he doesn't trust psychiatrists, says they only know what you want them to know about you. He thinks self help is stupid, and you can tell he needs to be loved and love, but it's hidden away like a turtle in his shell.
We have been dating for two years.

He recently revealed to me that he thinks children will put a damper on his ability to live life fully, which for him would consist of taking lots of vacations around the world. I want to travel too, but I want to have kids. I have a decent family who could care for the kids, but he wants to move far awy from both his and my family.

He keps vacillating between loving me and wanting more space, but I only see him on weekends. This crap just started last winter, when I finally met his best female friend(they've known each other for 15 years)and she didn't like me, but "couldn't put her finger on why" she tried to get us to break up. He says that unless he is absolutely sure and feels blind passion every moment that there is no reason to get married, because that would be marriage for convenience, that maybe it would be better to be alone even if he finds no one who meets his high standards.

I have high standards too, and I am wondering if there is a chance he might come out of this phase, or what? He is turning 30 this year. I could easily date someone else (maybe with less baggage) but I really love him. We have been dating 2 years now.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 225769
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04/19/2007 11:02 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
Sounds like you met your soulmate. Good luck.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 176490
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04/19/2007 11:02 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
Oh yeah,

He admits he has problems.
He admits he might be wrong, or just confused, and says he's not sure if I will be patient enough to stick it out with him till he figures out what he wants to do.

We tried breaking up, but I am the closest person to him in this state. We ended up together again.
gooderboy

User ID: 71630
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04/19/2007 11:02 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
... ouch!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 209557
United States
04/19/2007 11:03 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
He sounds like a self-centered asshole with issues.
OP (OP)
User ID: 176490
United States
04/19/2007 11:06 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
Oh, another question,

what is the differnce if any between being beaten by your mother and being sexually abused by your mother. Is it true that being beaten is actually less traumatizing?

Because my mother beat me. Sometimes for no reason.
Fool
User ID: 221525
Canada
04/19/2007 11:06 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
You either have to push him beyond his limits, or hope in time he'll do it by himself

I would assume that since he's 30, he won't do it by himself, he has found his safe zone

But the risk of you pushing him is that he might reject you completely and that ends your relationship

If you really want him, you're going to have to make him open up, you saw his photos, but did you make him talk about it? Presumably it's all being bottled up inside, so of course it will come out some way, perhaps it will be anger as that is what he knows, but you'll have to fight through that

It will be messy and like hell, so it's up to you, do you really love him or not

... most people turn around from situations like this because it will not be easy and it will not happen quickly
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 225750
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04/19/2007 11:07 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
oh he'll cry, squeeze his balls real hard
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 221144
Australia
04/19/2007 11:08 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
The guys a douch bag. fuck him off
OP (OP)
User ID: 176490
United States
04/19/2007 11:10 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
I tend to cry easily, usually over movies. He thinks it's 'cute'. When I get angry I yell and cry until it hurts. I cried a lot when we were broken up, pretty much every day. But I hid it from him. He only saw me cry seriously(not at a movie)2 times: Once when I had my bunny put down, and next over him, he stopped me when I started beating myself up about it, and saying I should have known better. He blamed my mother for tearing into my faith as a child.
Anonymous Coward
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04/19/2007 11:11 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
oh he'll cry, squeeze his balls real hard
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 225750

rofl
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 207603
United States
04/19/2007 11:14 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
so you can't show him how you really feel? -Danger
so he won't allow himself to feel? -Danger

we all need some form of counseling, and if he is not able to confront his fears, than you should be very careful.

$0.02
OP (OP)
User ID: 176490
United States
04/19/2007 11:16 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
Does it make me shallow if I believe that you can only blame your inability to get over something for holding you back for so long?

I myself am bitter as I get older at how shallow people seem to be, both men and women alike. How everybody seems to accept shallow 'hookups' as an acceptable alternative for real loving contact. ow everybody expects perfection from a mate, when they themselves aren't perfect. It should be anough that you have a lot in common and can carry on good conversation. That you have decent sex even two years later, but recently he has been having problems with that(goes limp, and is paranoid about me getting pregnant even though I am on the pill and even if I wansn't I time my cycles and can feel that egg coming out). Apperently his brother does too(he brought it up one evening). I can accept all these things. He seems so smart, like he should be able to conquer his fears.
Prof. Van Engledorfer
User ID: 225769
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04/19/2007 11:19 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
What you two young lovers need is a child. Get pregnant. That can only bring you closer...after all you love each other.
op (OP)
User ID: 176490
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04/19/2007 11:20 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
He says he is scared of ending up like his dad who got married 5 times.

What is eerie is that even strangers always comment on what a beautiful couple we are. It just adds to the pressure.

We agreed that when he moves in a year or so, I might travel with him to try to start over in another place. That is, of course, if we are still dating at that point.

What is weird is he says he thinks of me evry day when he is at work, and he really cares abou me, that I am different from the other girls, with a better head on my shoulders and lots of talent. He has even said hat maybe he's not good enough for me.
PitViper

User ID: 219427
United States
04/19/2007 11:20 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
RUN, RUN FAR AWAY!
Scor~Pios -AKA- Pit Viper

'When the people fear their government, there is tyranny;
When the government fears the people, there is liberty.'
Thomas Jefferson

Never underestimate the stupidity of the American people.

"It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in people's minds." - Samuel Adams
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 216270
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04/19/2007 11:20 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
tape two cut onions to his eye sockets, grab his nut sack from behind and stretch it to the top of his happy happ joy joy, and have someone else pop his scrotum with a large rubber band...he'll be crying like a baby in no time.
OP (OP)
User ID: 176490
United States
04/19/2007 11:24 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
I have to get my degree before I can have a child.
I am in college right now. I will be 29 next month. I lost my autowoker job, and have become a massage therapist. I am in school to try and get a graphic design job, which is actually what he does, but it is also something I have a great talent for.

He told me he feels inadequate around me even though he has a great job doing something I would love to do. He says my artwork is way better than his and he feels like I just tell him his is nice. But I am not a faker when someone asks me if I like something. He says he feels intimidated whenever I talk about alternative medicine, and politics...

I mean I have my faults too, but so does everyboy to a point.
Anonymous Coward
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04/19/2007 11:24 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
Everybody has issues.
Not crying, by itself, is probably not a super big deal or issue.
It could easily be a sign of an emotionally hard early childhood and a person, boys especially, can just make a deep decision not to cry anymore because it doesn't do any good and they don't want to give other people the satisfaction of knowing they have hurt you.

Also, it is very possible that he can learn to cry again, little by little, as joys and sorrows touch his heart deeply.
That could be expected for more or less normal people. If he is really abnormal, then I don't know.

However, that a different question than getting married.
It sounds like he has a lot of issues to work out and being married to him would be a lot of problems... But marriage is always a lot of problems no matter what... If it's not one thing going wrong then it's something else. The list of potential problems is endless (health, financial, emotional, relatives, kid problems, etc), and you can not predict what your fate may be. Also, you might somehow be attracted to these kind of men. I've heard it said that females are attracted to men like their fathers. The next man you fall for might have similar probs.
op (OP)
User ID: 176490
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04/19/2007 11:28 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
If I was attracted to a man like my father, that would be great, we would be married with child by now, and well off.

I had a hard childhood, but my dad was there for me. He did what he needed to do to take care of my sister and I. He was very patient with my mom, and I almost wish he would have left her. She certainly deserved it. My mom was the one who abused me(hitting and verbal berating).
SpectrumBlue

User ID: 181546
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04/19/2007 11:32 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
I'm sorry to say hun, but, this is not something you need nor want. I'm all for being there for a guy and helping him when he needs it, but this is way to deep to even contemplating wading in.

You try to swim in this shit you'll drown. Get out of this and get out of it now. The only person who CAN help him is hisself, if he chooses to.

I've been in relationships similar to that one. I had to bail before it dragged me down.
Dreams will begin as they fade into chaos.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 176490
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04/19/2007 11:37 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
So is that normal considering he was abused?

I am willing to try to hang in there.
I have a lot of other things to work on and stay busy with in the meantime. Getting married is not something I am pressuring him about. We are just monogamous right now, but not living together or married.

I was surprised he was interested in me because I am not compulsively clean like him, but I adpted well to his habits. It is kind of a positive influence on me.

He admitted he has been told by psych. that he had abandonment issues.

Having gone to massage therapy school, I know that holding your tears in and supressing emotions is dangerous. Anger is the least healthy expression of emotion. Emotion needs to be expresed. If it doesn't kill you it can result in others getting hurt too. Anger will kill you too. I worry about him because one day he may get angry about something and have aheart attack. When he was stressed recently he was having problems with "headrushes" and pains. Normally he is pretty stoic.

One time he was really angry about a parking situation, and I finally snapped(rare for me) and started yelling and hitting the dash. He did a creepy 180 and went from being smoldering to laughing at me. He aid he thought it was 'cute' when I expresssed my anger. Other people were looking at me like 'ok, lady,' because I was mad hat we waited so long(he wasn't agressive), to get a space, when people kept taking their kids to the car to change their diaper and have a snack and put their kids back in the stroller to return to the zoo, thusly wasting 1/2 hour or more of our time just trying to park at the zoo.
OP (OP)
User ID: 176490
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04/19/2007 11:40 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
Considering how messed up everybody is, sometimes I wonder if It is worth bringing children into the world.

What chance do they stand when every force is against them?
OP (OP)
User ID: 176490
United States
04/19/2007 11:43 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
The healthy expression of emotion seems to elude most people today.

They are either freaking spoiled and over emotional, or unable to express it until it explodes.

Also nobody has any patience.

Sorry for venting..

I also disagree with how it has become 'vogue' to be emotionally unavailable to everybody.


Maybe I am weak for wearing my heart on my sleeve. Does anybody appreciate honesty anymore?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 159906
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04/19/2007 11:55 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
tape two cut onions to his eye sockets, grab his nut sack from behind and stretch it to the top of his happy happ joy joy, and have someone else pop his scrotum with a large rubber band...he'll be crying like a baby in no time.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 216270


There should be some kind of IQ test to pass before a person can post on GLP.
Anonymous Coward
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04/19/2007 11:57 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
The healthy expression of emotion seems to elude most people today.

They are either freaking spoiled and over emotional, or unable to express it until it explodes.

Also nobody has any patience.

Sorry for venting..

I also disagree with how it has become 'vogue' to be emotionally unavailable to everybody.


Maybe I am weak for wearing my heart on my sleeve. Does anybody appreciate honesty anymore?
 Quoting: OP 176490


OP, what is is. Your boyfriend is unable to deal with his emotions, and you wear yours on your sleeve. It's not a good match. He will destroy you.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 225769
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04/19/2007 11:58 PM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
"he had abandonment issues."
Psychologists use that term to describe a psycho.
Anonymous Coward
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04/20/2007 12:05 AM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
Don't worry opie, you can change him. Sure, no one else has ever been able to change a truly screwed up person from the outside before, but you are so special, so loving, such a caring person that you will be able to do it! Through some sort of alchemy only a special and caring person like you could work on an emotional piece of lead you'll be able to transform him into solid gold. Stick with him! Don't let it bother you that he may not even want to change into the vision you have for him, just work your magic. And when it wrecks your life, blame him! You'll have your excuse at the ready...
op (OP)
User ID: 176490
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04/20/2007 12:23 AM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
I'm not stupid, I know I can't change him!
It wont ruin my life if he doesn't. I am not in desperate immediate need of marriage or children. I still got some time... geeze.

But you are right, for some reason I seem to attrat these 'boys' that are emotionally stunted. What is strange is how so many people are comtent to complain they can't find a decent mate after they dump a true blue responsible healthy girl like me, then they are happy and content to imediately settle down with the first alcoholic overweight low iq, cheating bitcher and moaner that comes along, because why? Because they were raised in a dysfunctional family to think that dysfunction is to be expected. Then they have children and wonder why their children are more f-ed up than them! It is bullshit that marriage is always bad, I know a few people who have been very fortunate. Theyw ere also deep people and capable of loving themslves, and communicating and being deep with others.

A lot of people don't understand that the basic requirement to have a good marriage is to be best friends!
op (OP)
User ID: 176490
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04/20/2007 12:25 AM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
Some people panic and want out when there isn''t enough drama! I never will understand that one. I hate drama and have had too much. I hate playing hard to get games, too.
What is funnny is that is what works with him. When I stay distant he is like bees on honey to me.
op (OP)
User ID: 176490
United States
04/20/2007 12:29 AM
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Re: My boyfriend admitted he can't cry, not about anything.
There is nothing wrong with having emotions, or wanting to not be single your whole life.

A little baggage is ok. It's not like he is berating me, or beating me, or even cheating one me.

I have no respect for cheaters.
You cheat on me, I go bye bye. I don't do it to anybody.I expect the same in return. I will be honest, I was pretty wild as a teenager, and I got over it. I am happy I didn't get any diseases, and honestly, I have been cheated on one too many times. The thought of having sex with another man, even in a fantasyland just doesn't do anything for me when I am i a close relationship with someone. Shouldn't that have some value to my potential mates? Are there any decent men who are monogamous?

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