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Married/single/married-single

 
JD
User ID: 244983
United States
05/31/2007 07:26 PM
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Married/single/married-single
My wife and I have been married for 20 years, right out of HighSchool. We have known eachother since the age of 4 and are now just hitting 40.

The question I have been pondering for some time now is how does one find their own Identity in such a case.

See, in your early years you try to be like your folks, even marry if your folks married maybe even have kids (we didn't) like your folks. Then you hit the 40's and come to find your a carbon copy of the combination of not only your folks but your spouse as well. This, I believe, is because we are all taught to "please" someone else.

So you hit a point where you realize you did not develop your own identity (due to early marriage) and you tire of the life of your parents +/- a few of your spouses charactor traits.

Most often folks split up and go their own ways, but what if you truly love your spouse, but realize that you like to live differently (either lifestyle or one wants friends around the house and the other does not). In my case I am a 1 lifepath much different than my wife who is an 8. Compromise is one thing, and good for the mariage unit, but often leads to missed expectations and blame (yourself or the other) for your personal goals not being met.

Also, there is a tendancy to isolate as a couple and one day you find you have very few joint friendships (different tastes). So, where do / have some of you gone from here?

In our case, we have thought about adding a 3rd energy to our relationship (not sexual) as a catalyst of sorts. No kids, but an adult, most likely single. The reason fo rthis is that we not only knew eachother for many years, but growing up across the street from eachother means we had a very simular upbringing. But one of us got out like a social butterfly and the other did not and one had lots of experiences in their youth where the other was a home body.

For the first 10 years or so this is / was not an issue but as time goes on it does seem to become a problem even with lots of compromises. Some times in the compromises one wins out, usually the lady, due to training of the "old ways" of both of our parents.

Has anyone delt with such an issue in a non typical way?
We are both quite progressive and both have many interests that are shall we say, out of the norm.

Ideas would be appreciated.

-JD
Mister ObviousModerator
Forum Administrator

05/31/2007 07:29 PM

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Re: Married/single/married-single
Pfft.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

Leave well enough alone.

Being your own person is overrated.

You've lived like this for 40 years.

No need to break the habit.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 244943
United States
05/31/2007 07:36 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
if you two dont have children thats the problem

I agree dont fix something thats working and even if theres problems you and her should fix it and keep the commitment.

feel fortunate that you have something so many others do not these days
JD (OP)
User ID: 244983
United States
05/31/2007 07:41 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
But undrestand we have spent all but age 0-3 and 11-17 together. Neither of us has developed a personality away from the hopes and wishes of someone else. Whether it be out parents or spouse.

And this type of a situation does not really allow for easy change. One decides they want to go out and party while the other wants to stay home. Yet the one that wants to party cant, because they are habitually feeling guilty doe to hoe the relationship was in the past. At some point, there needs to be growth in stagnent relationships no matter how loving they are. And well, we got stagnent.

-JD
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 244983
United States
05/31/2007 07:42 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
doe to hoe

due to how oopsie
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 244983
United States
05/31/2007 07:43 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
In essence it's a midlife crisis, but without the ego getting involved, or loads of blame.

ps; thanks for the replies

-JD
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 244463
United States
05/31/2007 07:46 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
My husband & I have been married for 19 years. We've grown & changed together. We are soul mates. We got married before the week before my high school graduation.

If you grow & change together, then finding your own identity isn't an issue. You both want to be on the same wavelength.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 243963
Australia
05/31/2007 08:29 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
I don't exactly understand what the op is asking.

Do you really understand what the op is asking ??
I read it twice. It sound like he doesn't know either.

If you have to ask it here and not with your spouse then there is already a communication barrier present.

Go off on your own, maybe it's time to move on with your gay lover.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 243963
Australia
05/31/2007 08:40 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
In all seriousness you've been brainwashed into an idea of how to live your life and it's the souls identity which is dying.
Who are you ? Is this all there is... what's missing.

Anthony De Mello - Awareness

Listen to this guys talk, one of the most profound talks about life i've ever come accross.

Maybe you also need to develope more spiritually.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 111964
Canada
05/31/2007 09:48 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
My wife and I have been married for 20 years, right out of HighSchool. We have known eachother since the age of 4 and are now just hitting 40.

The question I have been pondering for some time now is how does one find their own Identity in such a case.

See, in your early years you try to be like your folks, even marry if your folks married maybe even have kids (we didn't) like your folks. Then you hit the 40's and come to find your a carbon copy of the combination of not only your folks but your spouse as well. This, I believe, is because we are all taught to "please" someone else.

So you hit a point where you realize you did not develop your own identity (due to early marriage) and you tire of the life of your parents +/- a few of your spouses charactor traits.

Most often folks split up and go their own ways, but what if you truly love your spouse, but realize that you like to live differently (either lifestyle or one wants friends around the house and the other does not). In my case I am a 1 lifepath much different than my wife who is an 8. Compromise is one thing, and good for the mariage unit, but often leads to missed expectations and blame (yourself or the other) for your personal goals not being met.

Also, there is a tendancy to isolate as a couple and one day you find you have very few joint friendships (different tastes). So, where do / have some of you gone from here?

In our case, we have thought about adding a 3rd energy to our relationship (not sexual) as a catalyst of sorts. No kids, but an adult, most likely single. The reason fo rthis is that we not only knew eachother for many years, but growing up across the street from eachother means we had a very simular upbringing. But one of us got out like a social butterfly and the other did not and one had lots of experiences in their youth where the other was a home body.

For the first 10 years or so this is / was not an issue but as time goes on it does seem to become a problem even with lots of compromises. Some times in the compromises one wins out, usually the lady, due to training of the "old ways" of both of our parents.

Has anyone delt with such an issue in a non typical way?
We are both quite progressive and both have many interests that are shall we say, out of the norm.

Ideas would be appreciated.

-JD
 Quoting: JD 244983
Becoming "one" in marriage
connotes finding an identity together
el fundio

User ID: 245026
United States
05/31/2007 09:50 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
every body has their own identity you just sad to say havent found yours and if you are happy you dont need one
life is what you make it and what you think doesnt matter in this world
single
User ID: 240404
United States
05/31/2007 09:54 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
must miss the thrill of difrent sexual partner. Are u bored?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 111964
Canada
05/31/2007 09:56 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
people get desperate when they lose their bearings
and want to find "themselves"
which usually leads to losing everything they didn't appreciate, that they already had.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 235944
United States
05/31/2007 09:58 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
"We are both quite progressive and both have many interests that are shall we say, out of the norm."

that's quite a loaded statement.. it gives me pithy pregnant pause..

just say what the fuck you mean, as this seems to be the crux of the post to me.
JD (OP)
User ID: 244983
United States
05/31/2007 10:18 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
Becoming "one" in marriage
connotes finding an identity together

Been there, done that many times over we even have the ability to read eachothers minds from afar and have the other p/u items at the store without a phone call. We even have psy dreams together. We are so one, we have lost our indivigual identity.

That is the crux of the issue.

-JD
ps: people would die for a relationship like ours, but the relationship isn't the problem. Personal and soul level growth are the issue here. And being both the US identity and the individual identity.

There is not an easy answer for this one.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 111964
Canada
05/31/2007 10:20 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
spiritual growth is dependent on the harmony in marriage
you seem to be spiritually growing
so, why not appreciate that?
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 244983
United States
05/31/2007 10:21 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
must miss the thrill of difrent sexual partner. Are u bored?
 Quoting: single 240404



Actually we use projections on eachother (look it up) It allows for 40 year old men to sleep with a ... well anytype of wife they want at the time. It is all done with the mind and visualizations.

Yes guys you can have "that" at any age, if you stop saying my wife never does "X". And start visualizing that she does. She will (note she can use this on you as well).

Our not that it is much of anyones business, sex life is better than perfect and without pills.

-JD
OP (OP)
User ID: 244983
United States
06/01/2007 09:15 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
bump for nightshift
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 245405
United States
06/01/2007 09:22 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
Sounds like you need a third party to give you a push.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 139684
Canada
06/01/2007 09:24 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
word to the wise
appreciate what you have
or
don't whine when you lose it
OP (OP)
User ID: 244983
United States
06/04/2007 05:16 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
Interesting update, It seems god/source/et al may have had a finger on this one.

My wife at 41 just got pregnant possibly. Test positive today
a-noid
User ID: 246790
United States
06/04/2007 05:48 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
You are so lucky, OP, to have found someone with whome you can share a life. It does sound like you need an interest to share outside of the home. Thought of community service?

That idea of inviting a third person into the scene is just asking for trouble, though. As far as sacrificing what you want to please her, or vice versa, well... it makes you both martyr-like. Unconditional love (or at least what my understanding of what it is) means total acceptance without requiring someone else to measure up to our expectations.

There are couples who outgrow each other, but that is usually because one or the other has high expectations. Love is the greatest gift, OP! Believe me, you will not find anyone else who can make you feel more at home than the partner you are with now.

Good Luck!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 246687
06/04/2007 05:51 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
Pfft.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

Leave well enough alone.

Being your own person is overrated.

You've lived like this for 40 years.

No need to break the habit.
 Quoting: Mister Obvious


Wise words.

If you get on OK together, reached an acomodation which suits you both, then keep it going!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 209204
Australia
06/04/2007 05:57 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
The OP is saying this..

In oreder to BECOME TRULY ONE....one FIRST HAST to be TWO to begin with...

The problem he has is this..

He has ALWAYS been merged with another..parents..siblings...and then..with no time to find his true ONENESS..he married someone he always knew.

He has NEVER been HIMSELF...he has always been the person others want him to be either conciously or not..he has always been someone elses person..never his own.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 111442
Canada
06/04/2007 06:12 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
who said we can't be ourselves in relation to others?
it's usually the inteplay with others which reveals ourselves to ourselves

being alone doesn't teach you much about yourself at all
THE DRAGON
User ID: 163816
United States
06/04/2007 06:17 PM
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Re: Married/single/married-single
well OP there is your personal growth being a father. Welcome to odd sleeping hours, lots of emotional change, higher sense of responsibility.

Your journey has only just started, through grade school through highschool the challenges of college the boyfriends/girlfriends trouble with the law, drugs, cars etc

Good luck, this is what will prove your character and you just might find your own answer to where your life is going..

For the purpose of growth and stability to a new life, that of your unborn child.