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For the Scots out there

 
Highlander_
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User ID: 184064
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06/03/2007 12:40 PM
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For the Scots out there
For all the Scots out there, SMILE….


The prosecution and defense had both presented their final arguments in a case involving the Highlander accused of operating an illegal still.
The judge turned to the jury and asked, " Before giving you your instructions, do any of you have any questions ? "
" Yes, Your Honor, " replied one of the jurors. " Did the defendant boil the malt one or two hours, does he cool it quickly, and at what point does he add the yeast ? "


Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by,
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye:
"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!"

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be;
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marvelled for a moment, then one said: "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie star the Scotsman's kilt did lift and show.

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards the trees.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
"Oh, lad I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"


A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"

So true…..

Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he reaches the battlefield, suddenly on the crest of hill there appears a solitary figure, a little stocky ginger-haired guy in a kilt.
"Hammer of the Scots?" yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill. "Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye hammer!"
Edward turns to his commander and says, "Take 20 men and deal with that Scottish upstart!"
The commander send 20 men over the hill to kill the Scot.
Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. "Ye English bastards!" he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ya!!"
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. "Take 100 men and kill that little guttersnipe!"
The commander sends 100 men over the hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill again, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a bit torn. "Ye English Scum!" he yells.
"I'm just warming up!!!! Come and Get me!!!"
Edward loses patience. "Commander, take 400 men and personally Wipe Him Off The Face Of The Earth!" he yells.
The commander gulps, but leads 400 men on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing all torn, his face is covered in blood, snot and Irn-Bru, and yells, "Is that the best ye can do??? You're Bloody Wimmin!!!! Come on, come and have a go ya bunch of Jessies!!!"
Edward turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands.
The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn.
"Your Majesty!!!" he yells "It's a trap!! There's two of them."
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says "My God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent down to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in..."



Three Scotswomen, all neighbors, are walking home at night and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would like to help him get home.

The first woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband."

The second woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband, either."

The third woman looks under his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!"



Old Angus McGregor was on his death bed and his good friend Sean McEwan was by his side.
Angus motioned for Sean to put his ear near so he could here him.
Sean bent closer to Angus.
Angus said to Sean " in the stand here by the bed is a 200 year old bottle of Scotch, I had hoped to drink it with ye on a special occasion, but it seems now it is to late. I want you to take that bottle to my grave after they lay me to rest and pour it over me remains."
Sean says" Aye I can do that for ye but do you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?"


A bus full of tourists drives through the lovely lowlands and the driver (obviously scottish) explains to the tourists what they just see (since they have booked the Battle-field tour).
"This is where the Scottish beat the English" (some ah's and oh's). Somewhere further on: "This is where the Scottish kicked the English"
Somewhere down the next hill: "This is where the Scottish smashed the English."
Crossing over another hill: "And this is where the Scottish whipped the English."

A bold tourist speaks up. "Ahh... Sir, didn't the English win any battle in this region?"

The driver: "Not when I drive the bloody bus!"


A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regained consciousness on the beach, he noticed a beautiful, unclad nymphet standing over him.
"Would you like some food?" she asked.

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"

She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!"

She disappeared into the woods again and returned sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was beginning to think that he was in heaven!

Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said "Would you like to play around?"

"Och lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"


In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal.

In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas".

"Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"?

"Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".
Memor Miles Militis Templar, pro quos nos pugna!

Non Nobis Domine, Non Nobis, Sed Nomine Tuo Da Gloriam!

Dante said,
‘The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis.

[link to bornatemplar.blogspot.com]
Evil Twin

User ID: 9313
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06/03/2007 12:43 PM
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Re: For the Scots out there
lol
Midnight

User ID: 245054
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06/03/2007 12:45 PM
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Re: For the Scots out there
QUOTE:


Three Scotswomen, all neighbors, are walking home at night and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would like to help him get home.

The first woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband."

The second woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband, either."

The third woman looks under his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!"

roflmao
Hey, is it getting hot in here to you guys? And why am I in this basket?
Midnight

User ID: 245054
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06/03/2007 12:52 PM
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Re: For the Scots out there
You know, I am not a full Scot, but there really must be something in the blood! LOL The jokes are freaking hilarious! I am copying them.

Braveheart is my FAVORITE movie. I get too excited when I watch the battle scenes. Makes me want to grab a Claymore and run screaming...FREEEEDOM!!!!! Yep, must be something in the blood.
Hey, is it getting hot in here to you guys? And why am I in this basket?
Highlander_ (OP)

User ID: 184064
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06/03/2007 12:56 PM
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Re: For the Scots out there
You know, I am not a full Scot, but there really must be something in the blood! LOL The jokes are freaking hilarious! I am copying them.

Braveheart is my FAVORITE movie. I get too excited when I watch the battle scenes. Makes me want to grab a Claymore and run screaming...FREEEEDOM!!!!! Yep, must be something in the blood.
 Quoting: Midnight



devil6
Memor Miles Militis Templar, pro quos nos pugna!

Non Nobis Domine, Non Nobis, Sed Nomine Tuo Da Gloriam!

Dante said,
‘The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis.

[link to bornatemplar.blogspot.com]
Godot

User ID: 214158
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06/03/2007 12:59 PM
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Re: For the Scots out there
let's have a go lads!
Yes it's safe, it's very safe, it's so safe you wouldn't believe it....
... No, it's not safe, it's very dangerous. Be Careful.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 19258417
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07/06/2012 11:01 PM
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Re: For the Scots out there
bump
DOT 2 DOT

User ID: 16339784
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07/06/2012 11:17 PM
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Re: For the Scots out there
bump



Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid,
it is true that most stupid people are conservative.

John Stuart Mill
************
It's much harder to be a liberal than a conservative. Why?
Because it is easier to give someone the finger than a helping hand.
Mike Royko
T Ceti H.C. Radnarg

User ID: 19205449
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07/06/2012 11:20 PM
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Re: For the Scots out there
clappa...German highlander here, clan mcbain of the hidden right hoof of the unicorn,unchained...touch not the cat with the shield..
How unfortunate for some rulers when men,women,and children continue to think... Keep repeating the lies loud enough and long enough and just maybe the people will start to believe the lies again and good luck with that...finding your energy open until mars becomes raging aries...
DOT 2 DOT

User ID: 16339784
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07/06/2012 11:25 PM
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Re: For the Scots out there
Never fear, Aunt Bluebell is here!


Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid,
it is true that most stupid people are conservative.

John Stuart Mill
************
It's much harder to be a liberal than a conservative. Why?
Because it is easier to give someone the finger than a helping hand.
Mike Royko
wisc_natureboy

User ID: 19234444
United States
07/06/2012 11:38 PM
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Re: For the Scots out there
Never fear, Aunt Bluebell is here!

[link to www.youtube.com]
 Quoting: DOT 2 DOT




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