IF YOU VALUE YOUR HEALTH, YOU WON'T INGEST ANY TYPE OF FOOD PRODUCTS - PROCESSED OR OTHERWISE. WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, STAY AWAY FROM THE WATER. THE AIR WE BREATHE (IMPORTED FROM CHINA, TOO?) IS DEADLY, AS WELL. BETTER TO HOLD YOUR BREATH. AND DON'T GO OUTSIDE IN THE DIRECT SUNLIGHT!

I HAVE A PLAN, THOUGH...

I'M DIGGING A SIX FOOT HOLE IN THE GROUND IN MY BACKYARD. I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN IN IT AND COVER MYSELF UP, WHILE HOLDING MY BREATH.

SURELY, THIS WAY, I CAN AVOID EVERYTHING THAT CAN KILL ME.