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If Only Voldemort Had Read This List.... Evil Overlord

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 288028
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08/25/2007 01:45 AM
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If Only Voldemort Had Read This List.... Evil Overlord
The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

....The rest of the list can be found at :


[link to www.eviloverlord.com]

and furthermore :

[link to www.eviloverlord.com]

[link to www.eviloverlord.com]

and at :

[link to www.evilrulers.com]

which also includes Rules for Sidekicks, Girlfriends, Innocent Bystanders, Trusted Lieutenants, Wicked But Beautiful Daughters, Accountants, Aliens and Rampaging Monsters, etc etc
Evil Twin

User ID: 250863
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08/25/2007 01:49 AM
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Re: If Only Voldemort Had Read This List.... Evil Overlord
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 288028

Much wisdom here!

1rof1
Normal Is Subjective

User ID: 287976
Canada
08/25/2007 02:35 AM
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Re: If Only Voldemort Had Read This List.... Evil Overlord
And plenty of hot minions.
I thought I'd beat the inevitibility of death to death just a little bit.
Innocent Bystander
User ID: 288251
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08/25/2007 02:23 PM
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Re: If Only Voldemort Had Read This List.... Evil Overlord
LOL --

Tips for the Evil Overlord's Accountant...

1. Keep a set of books listing those activities of the Evil Overlord which would would be a credit to Gandhi. Show these records to anyone who cares to see them.

2. Keep a second set of books that lists the activities in the first set of books, plus those activites that look fishy at a cursory glance, but at closer examination are perfectly within the letter of the law, and maybe bend it a little. Show these books to auditors who aren't fooled by the first set of books, and then only when the Evil Overlord has no choice but to allow examination. Keep them a bit disheveled so that anyone looking at them will think you were caught with your pants down.

3. Keep a third set of books, listing everything the Evil Overlord is up to. Show these books to the Evil Overlord when he wants to see them. Show them to nobody else. Store them in thermite-packed cabinets so that they can be destroyed with extreme speed.

4. Keep a fourth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for the bulk of the Evil Overlord's loot, including the Plundered Crown Jewels. Use this information to bargain for your miserable cowardly life when the Hero defeats the Evil Overlord.

5. Keep a fifth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for a small portion of the Evil Overlord's loot, in the form of unmarked and untraceable cash. Use this information to set yourself up for retirement after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.

6. When the Hero and his allies storm the Evil Overlord's castle, hide under the Sturdy Oak Table with the other Sly Advisors until the fighting stops. If the Evil Overlord wins, it's back to business as usual; your sniveling cowardice will only stoke the Evil Overlord's feelings of superiority over you, so you will not be punished. If the Hero wins, thank the Hero for freeing you from the Evil Overlord's mind control, show him to where the Plundered Crown Jewels are kept, and then when nobody's looking, get the portion of the Evil Overlord's loot that you have earmarked for your retirement fund and retire.
Do not bother the Evil Overlord with the details of finances; math bores him. Simply remember his net worth at any given moment and be prepared to supply that figure on demand.

7. Do not embezzle from the Evil Overlord, unless you are able to cover the discrepancy by exaggerating the losses incurred by the bumbling of the Evil Overlord's other henchmen, and then only when said henchmen are dead.

© 2002 by John VanSickle from [link to enphilistor.users4.50megs.com] .
MASON JARS RULE
User ID: 288255
United States
08/25/2007 02:41 PM
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Re: If Only Voldemort Had Read This List.... Evil Overlord
ONLY A FUCKING IDIOT USES SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES THAT CAN BE SEIZED
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 222528
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08/25/2007 04:08 PM
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Re: If Only Voldemort Had Read This List.... Evil Overlord
The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 288028


Yeah, this has save Harry Potter's butt a couple of times.

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