Your Horoscope For This Week

Your Birthday Today

The stars agree—you're getting way too old for all of this shit.





Aries March 21 - April 19

Crackling with the warmth of the season, a yuletide fire will quickly consume your helpless flesh.





Taurus April 20 - May 20

An attempt to concentrate on more intellectual pursuits will ultimately fail this week, thanks to that shiny thing over there.





Gemini May 21 - June 21

Though not a mood ring by design, your wedding band will soon communicate the misery and hopelessness you feel inside.





Cancer June 22 - July 22

You'll be brought to your knees this Thursday by nothing more than a severe and irreversible case of gangrene.





Leo July 23 - August 22

While you've reasoned your way out of tricky situations before, a crisis this week involving a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed will leave you completely stumped.





Virgo August 23 - September 22

You've never been the type to ask for help. Sadly, though, you've always been the type to beg for it.





Libra September 23 - October 23

An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops.





Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Your lucky 19th century German-language philosophers for this week are: Heidegger, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Wundt.





Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

The National Institute Of Raised Expectations Followed By Disappointing Results will come very close to honoring you this week.





Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You never thought having a kid could be so exhausting, but then staying one step ahead of Child Protective Services does take its toll.





Aquarius January 20 - February 18

The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into stuff.





Pisces February 19 - March 20

Speak directly from the heart this week. Tell your loved one, "Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood!"