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Mitt Romney - From Dickipedia

 
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01/21/2008 09:30 PM
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Mitt Romney - From Dickipedia
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Mitt Romney
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks

Willard Mitt Romney (born March 12, 1947) is a businessman, a former Republican governor of Massachusetts, a 2008 Republican Presidential candidate, and a dick.


Contents
[hide]

* 1 Biography
* 2 Business Career
* 3 Political Career
* 4 Political Positions
* 5 Tagg
* 6 External Links

Biography

Mitt Romney’s impressive political acumen was instilled in him from his birth on March 12, 1947, to a failed presidential candidate (George) and a failed Senate candidate (Lenore). Born Williard Mitt Romney, he was named after his father’s best friend, hotel magnate J. Willard Marriott, founder of a chain of hotels that, like Romney himself, are nice-looking but generally bland and indistinctive.

Religious beliefs

Romney is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, otherwise known as Mormons, otherwise known as “those guys that HBO show with the polygamists is about.” When the U.S. Supreme Court upheld various anti-polygamy statues in the late 1800s, Romney’s great-grandparents fled to Mexico so the men could bang multiple wives they could practice their religion. The family returned to the United States after Mitt’s father was born. In summation: Mitt Romney’s ancestors were sex addicts, and his father was a Mexican immigrant.

Family

Mitt has been married for 38 years to Ann Romney, who is a convert to her husband’s religion. They have five sons, one of whom is named “Tagg.” According to Mitt, the sons, who are all eligible to fight in Iraq, are serving their country by "helping me get elected.” The Army’s loss is the Internet’s gain, because the brothers host a blog, creatively called Five Brothers, which features such America-serving stories as, “Soup Recipes Submitted To AnnRomney.com,” and “An Easy Halloween Costume.” Five Brothers is a political must-read, right after the Daily Kos. Also, once again, one of Romney’s sons is named “Tagg.”
Business Career

From 1974 to 1998, Romney eschewed politics for the traditional dick pursuit of accumulating vast piles of money. During that time, he co-founded Boston’s Bain Capital, a private equity investment firm which yielded a dickishly high, yet no less impressive 113% rate of return during his 14 year tenure. Romney left Bain Capital in 1998 to head the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympic Games Organizing Committee. Romney’s Games made $100 million in profit, which is really what the Greeks had in mind all along.
Political Career

In 1994, he ran for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, losing after Kennedy infamously called the (then) pro-choice Romney “multiple choice,” a stinging rebuke for which Romney was only able to think of the perfect comeback hours later, while lying in bed, which is totally frustrating. On the heels of his Olympic success, Romney was elected governor of Massachusetts in 2002. He began his term as a proponent of domestic partnerships for same-sex couples, and ended it urging the U.S. Senate to pass a constitutional ban on gay marriage. Untroubled by low approval ratings (70% of Massachusetts residents rated him “fair to poor”), Romney decided to run for president at the conclusion of his term in January 2007.
Political Positions

Romney is currently against the conservative trifecta of abortion, gay marriage and stem cell research, despite the fact that the latter may hold a cure for his wife Ann’s multiple sclerosis. He supports the Iraq war, the death penalty and withholding constitutional rights from suspected terrorists. All positions, of course, are subject to change.





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