My answer to the 12 step program...

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Well....I never had a bottle of Glenmorangie just jump up and kick my ass for no reason at all. At 70 bucks a pop it deserves a little respect.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Hmmm....OK. If sanity has slipped away, I don't think alcohol is your greatest problem.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Only took three and then God comes up....
God doesn't care about petty little problems you brought upon yourself. Bang on his door when you have a real problem. He's really busy with things way bigger than you.


4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

A moral inventory? What the fuck does that mean? Just be nice to others even you find them to be the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet. It's OK to slap 'em in the back of the head once in a while to get 'em goin' Even God does that.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

This sounds exactly like the part that begins with "forgive me father for I have sinned". Just say a "Hail Mary" and get it over with. Maybe 6 or 7 of them if the "other human being" tells you to.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

So much for that "made in the image of" thing now isn't it? God didn't do it. You did.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Once again....God didn't do it. You did.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Try and live your life without harming anyone that isn't trying to cause you harm and this will never be an issue. If you find yourself in this circumstance, make sure you shoot first.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

See No. 8.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

"Wrong" is usually a matter of opinion. If someone convinces you, backed up with irrefutable fact that you were wrong, be man enough to admit it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.

Once again....God didn't do it. You did. Don't bug God. He's probably really busy doing important things and they don't include you.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

You were born with all the "spiritual awakening" you need. If somebody else doesn't get it, it isn't your problem.


So there you go....your 12 steps in a nutshell. And I use "nut" loosly.