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I need opinions on a personal matter

 
MissKitty
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User ID: 378306
United States
03/20/2008 10:02 AM
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I need opinions on a personal matter
I am furious!
If any of you owed someone money and you let them live with you and they never paid you rent/utilities don't you think that should come off what you owed them to begin with???

What if they said that they needed the money to move and they couldn't until you gave it to them, just to come to find out that they could get a homeloan with 0 down???

What if these people lived with you for 14 months?

Asked you to move their stuff for them?

What if you helped out in every way possible except through monetary means (because you couldn't afford it)???

THIS WAS MY PARENTS!!!

They tallied up everything that we had ever owed them plus what they "gave" us for our down payment. They never paid us anything EVER!

Our grandmother (from my husbands side) decided to help us and paid them every cent we ever owed them and they continued to live with us RENT FREE for MORE 4 mos!!!

Up until this point I have been scared to say anything to them for fear of them "not loving me" or for the sake of not having an argument. Now I am pissed!!! I could have used the $750 (that's a fair 1/3 of the rent/utilities). OR at least had them take it off what we owed!!!


What are your opinions?!?!?! rant
God never gives you anything that you can't handle. So buck up and handle your shit!
MissKitty (OP)

User ID: 378306
United States
03/20/2008 10:06 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
Just because they are my parents are they allowed to walk all over us?

I don't think that is fair and we would never do it to our kids.

Am I wrong in feeling this way?
God never gives you anything that you can't handle. So buck up and handle your shit!
Tangwystyl

User ID: 354457
United States
03/20/2008 10:08 AM

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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
I think you are right, and you should put it on paper in black and white.. Not as a "See what you owe me!" More tallied up as they had done.. I think you have a very tough situation. It might be time to calmly speak your mind to them, or this will fester and cause the problems you were trying to avoid in the first place. It will just be underlying rather than dealt with openly.. yuck...

Good luck hun.. tough situation..

hf
Enlilson

User ID: 390390
United States
03/20/2008 10:08 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
If they did not abuse you as a child, provided you with food and shelter and made sure you got thought school then the 750 is really nothing.

So let it go. Besides how much is it worth to you to find out how the character of someone close to you.
It doesn't matter who I m it's who U R so ChoOse
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 305218
United States
03/20/2008 10:10 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
If your parents plan on buying a home that is in a declining market, the lender will ask for 5% down.

So, I guess what I am saying is they are probably not moving out, they are family and I would suggest keeping the peace.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 322321
Mexico
03/20/2008 10:11 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
Ask your heart no your mind !! and then proceed !
hf
MissKitty (OP)

User ID: 378306
United States
03/20/2008 10:12 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
If they did not abuse you as a child, provided you with food and shelter and made sure you got thought school then the 750 is really nothing.

So let it go. Besides how much is it worth to you to find out how the character of someone close to you.
 Quoting: Enlilson



You make it sound like I should send my kids a bill when they are grown, here's what we paid for your school and food and diapers. That is a parents job. Kids are suppose to take care of their parents when they no longer can. That is the payback for raising them. Not actual money. Btw, mine can take care of themselves.
God never gives you anything that you can't handle. So buck up and handle your shit!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 382868
Brazil
03/20/2008 10:13 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
treat your parents the way you´d like your kids to treat you in the future, when you´re old and without money.
MissKitty (OP)

User ID: 378306
United States
03/20/2008 10:14 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
no they have a home, they started moving yesterday. VA loan nothing down.
God never gives you anything that you can't handle. So buck up and handle your shit!
Cunning_linguist

User ID: 391657
United States
03/20/2008 10:14 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
My parents are the exact same way...
They owned 2 businesses. I was told that IF I MOVED BACK TO TENNESSEE, they would GIVE ME one of the businesses after I put in enough sweat equity. I did this, brought the company that I was running BACK to a profitable side and they sold it out to the highest bidder in the middle of the night. I got NOTHING out of the deal.

Breaks your heart doesn't it?
De Bunker Hiding in a Bunker.
MissKitty (OP)

User ID: 378306
United States
03/20/2008 10:16 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
Yes it does. I am so angry at them. No one else that has ever lived with us had ever treated us like they have.
God never gives you anything that you can't handle. So buck up and handle your shit!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 284011
United States
03/20/2008 10:19 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
Just because they are my parents are they allowed to walk all over us?

I don't think that is fair and we would never do it to our kids.

Am I wrong in feeling this way?
 Quoting: MissKitty

I don't think you are wrong at all. Family will usually use and abuse you which is funny because they are supposed to be looking out for you, right? Hell no. Family are just people that you got stuck with, that you did not choose to be around. If they don't earn your trust, respect, friendship, you do not owe it to them just because you're "related".

You do not owe your parents anything for "food and shelter" when you were a child. It was their choice to bring you into this world and therefore their responsibility to provide these things for you.

Just keep this behavior in mind when they are elderly and don't want to rot in a nursing home. They did not respect you or your home now, they will not then.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 392995
United States
03/20/2008 10:20 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
It's interesting and sad that it's money that is the problem. Is it you or them that's really worried about the money?

At any rate there is a solution and it's put foot to ass and kick them out if it bothers you so much. It is YOUR house hold not theirs correct if it is take control!

Find a nice large box something that would fit a freezer and give it to them as a present with a note HEY YOU'VE GOT ONE WEEK!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 392437
United States
03/20/2008 10:21 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
If they did not abuse you as a child, provided you with food and shelter and made sure you got thought school then the 750 is really nothing.

So let it go. Besides how much is it worth to you to find out how the character of someone close to you.



You make it sound like I should send my kids a bill when they are grown, here's what we paid for your school and food and diapers. That is a parents job. Kids are suppose to take care of their parents when they no longer can. That is the payback for raising them. Not actual money. Btw, mine can take care of themselves.
 Quoting: MissKitty

Remember - what goes around comes around.

Look towards the East where parents are still highly regarded and taken care of instead of being stuffed into nursing homes (yeah, I know that there are some horror stories out there too with regards to neglect but the majority are still peacefully co-existing in large extended families).
Forgive and forget. hf
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 392376
United States
03/20/2008 10:22 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
Doing business with family can be tough. When my parents were going through a divorce, my Dad said he would sell the family home to my husband & I for a low price. (Apparently this was just so he could pay my Mom a low amount in the settlement) We stayed in the house for a year and a half, paying the mortgage, taxes, utilities, fixing up everything that was in need of repair. After the divorce was final, he decided he wanted double the price we had previously agreed upon. I bought another house that I could afford. So my advice, even with family, get it in writing at the beginning.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 284011
United States
03/20/2008 10:29 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
Remember - what goes around comes around.

Look towards the East where parents are still highly regarded and taken care of instead of being stuffed into nursing homes (yeah, I know that there are some horror stories out there too with regards to neglect but the majority are still peacefully co-existing in large extended families).
Forgive and forget. hf
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 392437

This is good advice for going forward since this has already happened and is in the past. Learn from it and go on. But don't let them take advantage of you again. Do NOT borrow money from them. Do NOT let them live with you again without setting ground rules.
MissKitty (OP)

User ID: 378306
United States
03/20/2008 10:30 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
Doing business with family can be tough. When my parents were going through a divorce, my Dad said he would sell the family home to my husband & I for a low price. (Apparently this was just so he could pay my Mom a low amount in the settlement) We stayed in the house for a year and a half, paying the mortgage, taxes, utilities, fixing up everything that was in need of repair. After the divorce was final, he decided he wanted double the price we had previously agreed upon. I bought another house that I could afford. So my advice, even with family, get it in writing at the beginning.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 392376

this helps me not much now. I want to know if I should confront them, I feel taken advantage of. As to the abuse my dad was still "spanking me with a plastic paddle at 15", is that abuse?

They are telling me on a daily basis what a terrible kid I was. I sneaked out twice in high school, never did drugs or drank, never went to parties, I didn't get good grades (I hated school) but I never got into trouble at school. If i was ever home late it was because I missed the city bus.
God never gives you anything that you can't handle. So buck up and handle your shit!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 350460
Australia
03/20/2008 10:34 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
I am a 46 yr old child having a parent live with me;

If any of you owed someone money and you let them live with you and they never paid you rent/utilities don't you think that should come off what you owed them to begin with???

NO

What if they said that they needed the money to move and they couldn't until you gave it to them, just to come to find out that they could get a homeloan with 0 down???

no

What if these people lived with you for 14 months?

no

Asked you to move their stuff for them?

yes

What if you helped out in every way possible except through monetary means (because you couldn't afford it)???

no

THIS WAS MY PARENTS!!!

They tallied up everything that we had ever owed them plus what they "gave" us for our down payment. They never paid us anything EVER!

Mabye because they didnt owe you anything

Our grandmother (from my husbands side) decided to help us and paid them every cent we ever owed them and they continued to live with us RENT FREE for MORE 4 mos!!!


Your fault...you should have been more specific

Up until this point I have been scared to say anything to them for fear of them "not loving me" or for the sake of not having an argument. Now I am pissed!!! I could have used the $750 (that's a fair 1/3 of the rent/utilities). OR at least had them take it off what we owed!!!

You want to be a kid then act like it....if you dont...speak up.

If the love would go away after voicing your opinion....they didnt love you anyway.

Anger goes away quickly....stop being childish and they wont treat you as one.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 353013
United States
03/20/2008 10:36 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
To say that we owe our parents because they clothed and fed us as children isn't correct thinking. It's a parent's duty to clothe and feed (etc.) their children. It's also nature's way for the care to keep flowing from the older generation toward the younger, UP TO A POINT.

When our parents get too old to carry the load of life alone, our love for them that has developed and matured over a lifetime, plus our sense of what's right, causes us to do all we can for them, out of love and self respect.

This shifting of the parent/child relationship can happen gradually over time, or suddenly due to illness or disability.

If your parents are senior citizens, you may also want to google on alzheimers and see if they are exhibiting any signs. The way they have sort of 'forgotten' that they 'gave' you your down payment, and also their change in behavior where they are now tallying up everything you ever owed, sounds a little suspicious to me.

*****************

If there is one thing in this life that I know for sure, it's this: there is no amount of money that is worth losing your peace of mind over.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 350460
Australia
03/20/2008 10:37 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
Pay back what you owed and they may not have needed to live with you. And stop being such pussies. Im sure they would have given anything not to rely upon YOU. If youd paid them back they wouldnt even have thought about intruding...its your own fault.

Another thing....if they die at least you had some special time with them.....dont look a gift-horse in the mouth.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 392376
United States
03/20/2008 10:46 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
Doing business with family can be tough. When my parents were going through a divorce, my Dad said he would sell the family home to my husband & I for a low price. (Apparently this was just so he could pay my Mom a low amount in the settlement) We stayed in the house for a year and a half, paying the mortgage, taxes, utilities, fixing up everything that was in need of repair. After the divorce was final, he decided he wanted double the price we had previously agreed upon. I bought another house that I could afford. So my advice, even with family, get it in writing at the beginning.

this helps me not much now. I want to know if I should confront them, I feel taken advantage of. As to the abuse my dad was still "spanking me with a plastic paddle at 15", is that abuse?

They are telling me on a daily basis what a terrible kid I was. I sneaked out twice in high school, never did drugs or drank, never went to parties, I didn't get good grades (I hated school) but I never got into trouble at school. If i was ever home late it was because I missed the city bus.
 Quoting: MissKitty


After that incident with my Dad, I saw him infrequently due to the hard feelings. He died a couple years later and my mom a year after him. They were both age 57 when they died. My advice to you is to love them, honor them and care for them as best as you can, you only have one father and one mother. If you are willing to let money stand between the relationship, you will probably be feeling some regrets later. As far as abuse, I got the leather belt up until age 15, and I always chose the belt over being grounded if I had a choice in the matter. Things were different then, today it would be considered abuse. IMO.

I do see much resentment in your words. You have to let go of that or it will eat you up like a cancer. Forgive. The forgiveness is for your own wellbeing. Take care and good luck.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 304696
United States
03/20/2008 10:51 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
I am a qualified opinion giver for lunatic fringe website forums.

And I say they should charge you rent for letting you live with them for the first 18 years of your life.




It's a joke. They stayed for a whole year. Jesus! WTF is wrong with them?
MissKitty (OP)

User ID: 378306
United States
03/20/2008 10:54 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
The thing is that we got this house with specific room for them. They never cleaned up their own messes. I took care of my dad when he had surgery (without complaint). We desperately needed that extra income. I feel used. I have always looked the other way whenever they have done anything. Now, I feel like I can't.
God never gives you anything that you can't handle. So buck up and handle your shit!
Prof-Rabbit
User ID: 148352
Australia
03/20/2008 10:57 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
Our grandmother (from my husbands side) decided to help us and paid them every cent we ever owed them and they continued to live with us RENT FREE for MORE 4 mos!!!
 Quoting: MissKitty


What about the first 16 to 20 years of your life/education/food/shelter/love? what about the band aids for your knees? the hugs for your broken heart?

Get a life bitch!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 284011
United States
03/20/2008 10:58 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
They are telling me on a daily basis what a terrible kid I was. I sneaked out twice in high school, never did drugs or drank, never went to parties, I didn't get good grades (I hated school) but I never got into trouble at school. If i was ever home late it was because I missed the city bus.
 Quoting: MissKitty

You should not put up with that verbal abuse at any point, let alone when they are taking advantage of your kindness. Just keep in mind that by being kind to those who do not return your kindness, you have put tons of good karma out there for yourself. When you are in need, it will come back and you will be taken care of. It does not help to be bitter about it and forgiveness is healing but you should not allow yourself to be abused. It is not wrong to put your foot down and not allow such actions. The reason they are doing this is because they know they can. Show them differently.
Anonymous Coward
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03/20/2008 11:00 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
1) Get attorney
2) Get court order for them to vacate
3) Serve papers
4) Get order of protection
5) Cease contact forever
6) Sue for damages
MissKitty (OP)

User ID: 378306
United States
03/20/2008 11:09 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
I guess my anger is really out there because I really thought that they would actually be fair.

I WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN.

To all those who bring up the fact that they raised me as payment, then maybe when they are needing nursing home care I shouldn't help them because I "already paid for it". That would be just wrong.

They and us are adults. We are 26 and they are 60. I thought that they would have at least said ONCE, "Can we help on the rent this month?" Because I would have in their shoes.
God never gives you anything that you can't handle. So buck up and handle your shit!
blackcat66
User ID: 348276
United States
03/20/2008 11:11 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
American culture is 'weird' in that sense.

Parents are important and part of the family in other societies. It has its Pros and Cons, of course, but generally speaking, family has a much more meaning in other cultures.

It is really strange to me to hear some american people so detached from their parents (and parents from their children).

It must be very confusing to be treated like a 'god/godess' when you are a kid and then to try to get rid of you as soon as possible, once you are 18. It seems to me (I might be wrong) that american individualistic culture, gives a lot of double message.

If my parents would need home and I can provide one, I wouldn't doubt it for a second and I wouldn't expect them to pay me a dime, just as they never expected me to pay them back for all the years that they support me.

Strange, indeed.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 284011
United States
03/20/2008 11:17 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
American culture is 'weird' in that sense.

Parents are important and part of the family in other societies. It has its Pros and Cons, of course, but generally speaking, family has a much more meaning in other cultures.

It is really strange to me to hear some american people so detached from their parents (and parents from their children).

 Quoting: blackcat66 348276

Maybe parents treat their kids differently in other cultures. Kids are detached from their parents because parents are detached from their kids. (see childsupport is satanic thread) Another factor is that other cultures are more superstitious/tradition based. Why do we HAVE to like, help, hang out with our family? If they are nasty, abusive, hateful, why? You would never choose friends like that. Families treat each other like crap because they can get away with it which is wrong. That does not mean you have to put up with it. If families are so great, they would treat each other better. The reality is that a family is not your blood relatives. A family is a warm blanket of care, concern, friendship, etc. If your biological relatives are not that, they are not a "family". You may have a group of friends that form a "family".
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 283365
United States
03/20/2008 11:22 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
You are a hypocrite of the worst kind!

God never gives you anything that you can't handle. So buck up and handle your shit!

Commandment #5 Honor your father and your mother

You're a pathetic human being. There's always two sides to every story. I would like to talk to your parents and listen to them tell me how you screwed them over when you were growing up. angryface
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 284011
United States
03/20/2008 11:28 AM
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Re: I need opinions on a personal matter
You are a hypocrite of the worst kind!

God never gives you anything that you can't handle. So buck up and handle your shit!

Commandment #5 Honor your father and your mother

You're a pathetic human being. There's always two sides to every story. I would like to talk to your parents and listen to them tell me how you screwed them over when you were growing up. angryface
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 283365

Why are you assuming that everyone does or should follow the ten commandments?

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