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Why I don't have a girlfriend (Curse you Bavarian Illuminati!)

 
KindaGamey
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03/27/2008 11:17 AM
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Why I don't have a girlfriend (Curse you Bavarian Illuminati!)
Why I donít have a girlfriend (Curse you, Illuminati!)

A Short and Curly Screenplay
by FreshLaundry


INT. INNER SANCTUM Ė DARK Ė ESTABLISHING

The candle-lit INNER SANCTUM of the Bavarian Illuminati. The hooded GRAND MASTER, sits in red robes, THRONE, center. Behind his head is the ALL ILLUMINATING EYE of the Pyramid. The floor is etched with an inverted PENTAGRAM. The COUNCIL OF NINE sits on either side, also hooded in red robes.

MAGNUS
(standing)
I, MAGNUS Hiram the fourth, hereby bring to order the COUNCIL OF NINE, descendents of the sacred bloodline of the Bavarian Illuminati, carriers of the torch of enlightenment. Praise be to our GRAND MASTER who shall be named King.
Bless the coming of the New World Order.

THE NINE
(In unison. Single knock on table.)
Om.

MAGNUS
(Pacing. Fist in hand.)
The Age of the Pisces wanes, my brothers, and we stand at the dawn of Aquarius. This is our age and we shall mold it as we see fit. Our agents are poised for destruction. We have infiltrated governments, courts, banks, military, media, and social institutions across the globe. We control the economic machinations of this planet and when we give the word the gears will grind to a halt; all eyes will turn to us and plead for our rule and guidance.
As we create the darkness, so shall we lift it.

THE NINE
(In unison. Single knock on table.)
Om.

MAGNUS
(Motions for ACOLYTE to bring a laptop)

The keystone.
We now have a direct link to the databanks, satellites, and surveillance feeds of all global intelligence gathering operations. We are the eyes and ears, brothers. GRAND MASTER, I present you with the ALL SEEING EYE, to serve you best as you see fit.

(The MAGNUS places the LAPTOP beside the GRAND MASTER, facing the camera.)

GRAND MASTER
(Scrolling through hidden camera feeds of people, satellite photos, etc.)
Ahhhh, shank you MAGNUS. A mosht delicious gift, indeed.

MAGNUS
(Hands him the dangling wires.)
Sir, your ear buds...


GRAND MASTER
(Putting them in his ears.)
Ah yesh, de air bud. Like de dog dat play de bashketball.
How de dog do dat ting? Dash a veddy funny movie.

MAGNUS
Yes, your highness.
(Beat)

Brothers, we, the puppet masters, are guiding the hands of the Muslim and Christian nations into a holy war which will obliterate much of the Earthís population. As Iíve explained, population reduction is essential in order to gain total control...

GRAND MASTER
(Watching spycam feed of CHRIS, 28, at BAR, laughing with friends.)
Who ish dish man? He ish veddy funny man.
Hee Hee.
I like him. He makesh me laugh.

MAGNUS
(Pausing. Going on.)
Our tendrils of influence have manipulated Law and Order,
(just Law and Order:SVU for starters, but the other one is catching on),
and each time those snotty detectives abuse their police powers, the masses grow more and more acclimated to the loss of their human rights and the coming police state.

Soon, we will inflame the ire of the sleeping giant, China, and when she awakes she will devastate both Eastern and Western...

GRAND MASTER
(Watching spycam feed of CHRIS on COUCH alone.)
Oh, no. Dish one ish home now.
He ish sad. Look at hiym. Dash veddy sad. Heísh lonely.
Magnush, who ish dish man?

MAGNUS
(Frustrated. Tapping a button on the laptop.)
Your highness, that is New World Order citizen #US-3815872.
Also known as CHRIS. No known threat to our operation.

GRAND MASTER
(Pouty lip.)
Heísh not a rebel?

MAGNUS
No, sir. His current major goal seems to be the pursuit of a girlfriend.

GRAND MASTER
Mmm... I shink he looksh like a rebel to me.
I vant him put under shurveillance. 24/11.


MAGNUS
In all due respect, your highness, we really canít spare any more...

GRAND MASTER
(Louder.)
This shall be done!
And I shall call dish ting...
(Quiet.)
Operatshion Shpanky!
(Proud of himself.)

(Pan to laptop feed. FADE DOWN.)

TITLE: 1 YEAR LATER

FADE UP.

EXT. BAR PATIO Ė DAY Ė ESTABLISHING

On the patio of a local bar, CHRIS, 28, and friend
JOHN, 30, sit with pints of beer. JOHN has his head in one hand and is smoking with the other.

JOHN
(Shaking head.)
Dude, you always say that.

CHRIS
No, Iím serious this time. This girl is awesome!

JOHN
Uhhh... like the hostess over at Banditos was awesome?

CHRIS
(A bad memory.)
Naww, man.

JOHN
Chris Ė you havenít dated a girl in like a year. Iím starting to get worried about you.

CHRIS
(Shame.)
I know. I donít know what the hell is wrong with me!
Just when things seem to be going really good,
something always happens to fuck it up.

JOHN
(Figurative eye roll. Sips beer.)
Mmm hm. All right, tell me about the girl.


CHRIS
Tessa! Sheís cute as buttons. Uhh.. around 24, maybe? Long black hair, tight little body. She has got a great sense of humor. I met her through Adamís crew; we all went out to Starlight on Tuesday.

JOHN
Oh, please donít tell me youíve joined a girlfriend recycling program.

CHRIS
No, I donít think she dated any of those guys. Sheís Benís sisterís friend.
She and I are going out for dinner tonight. I canít wait, man Ė
This could be it.

JOHN
Just play it cool, man. Donít get yourself all worked up.
You know how you do.

CHRIS
I know...

JOHN
(Serious.)
Dude.

CHRIS
What!?

JOHN
(A command.)
Cool.

CHRIS
Yeah.

INT. RESTAURANT - ESTABLISHING

A nice restaurant. CHRIS and TESSA sit at a table for two. They are both having a good time.

TESSA
(Laughing)
Thatís hysterical!

CHRIS
Well that wasnít the worst part! When Michael tried to hop over the fence, his boxers got caught on the barbed wire and it nearly ripped em off. Gave him one hell of a wedgie. I think the cop was laughing so hard he gave up running after us.

TESSA
(Laughing.)

(Silence.)


TESSA
You know, Iím having a really great time, Chris.

CHRIS
I am too! I hope it wasnít too forward asking you out to dinner last night, but I had such a good time talking to you at Starlight, I didnít want it to end.

TESSA
(Smile.)
No, no. It was fine. Really.
Iím glad you did.

CHRIS
Did you want some more wine?

TESSA
Yes, please. Thanks.

CHRIS
Hey, can I be frank with you for a second?

TESSA
I thought you were Chris...

CHRIS
(Makes a dumb face at the corny joke.)
No, really. I want to tell you something, but I donít want you to get all weird about it.

TESSA
(Grimace.)
Uh. Sure, I guess?

(At this moment a red-robed, hooded ACOLYTE of the Illuminati pokes his head out from a doorway in the Restaurant and raises a blowgun to his lips. He fires a tiny dart into Chrisí neck.)

CHRIS
(Bewildered.)

TESSA
(Cocking head.)
Chris? Arenít ya going to tell me?

CHRIS
(Stoned/drunk.)
I.... LOVE YOU!
THIS MANY ELEPHANTS BIG!
(Puts hands out, hits passing waitress. She flinches, scowls a wtf glare, he doesnít notice.)
(Gasps! Has an idea!)
OH!
LETíS GET MARRIED!
WE CAN GET A RABBIT!

I WANT A FISH BOAT.
AND A PONY!

(Head face first in meal.)

TESSA
(Disgusted. Pulls cellphone from purse. Puts closed phone to ear.)
Uhh... listen, I think my mom is calling me... or something?
(Puts napkin on table, stands. Looks around embarrassed.)
I... really gotta go.
(Gathers things. Walks away.)

WAITRESS
(To collapsed CHRIS)
Sir, are you alright?

CHRIS
(Pulls head out of meal with a jolt.)

I LOVE YOU!
(Beat.)
PONY.
(Falls back in meal.)


EXT. BAR PATIO Ė DAY

The next day. JOHN and CHRIS are back at their favorite bar. Talking over a beer. John, head in hand, is smoking. Chris looks forlorn.

JOHN
And?

CHRIS
I donít know!!!
It was fine! It was better than fine. It was great!
And then...

JOHN
And then?

CHRIS
(Looking down into beer.)
I, um... I told her I wanted to get married?

JOHN
Aw, shit, dude.

CHRIS
I have no idea what came over me! Iím not like that.
I was totally Rico Suave! Then... I dunno, I Erkelíed.

JOHN
You got problems.

CHRIS
Shit yeah, I do. This blows.
(Beer.)

JOHN
Well. Just consider it a warm up, then.
Practice session.
Do you know any other single chicks?
Any that have never met TESSA or anyone she associates with?

CHRIS
Not really. That was kind of my last hope.

JOHN
What about Jeanette?

CHRIS
Uhh.. Nerfer? I thought she was crazy?

JOHN
And...?

CHRIS
Point taken.

JOHN
You really got no room to be choosey, Chris.
Why donít you set your sights a little lower and get your game back Ė then you can go for the big fish.
Or, rather, then you can go for the smaller, more shapely fish without the disproportionately big tailfins.

CHRIS
You arenít helping.

(Silent thinking. Gulps last swigs of beer. Painful pause. Slams glass down.)

When can I meet her?

INT. JEANETTEíS LIVING ROOM Ė ESTABLISHING

CHRIS and JEANETTE sit down on the couch at opposite ends. Jeanette is not nearly as cute as TESSA and suffers from elephantitis of the buttocks, which she cradles in spandex. The flicker of a movie on the television washes across their faces. When she speaks it is nasally and without emotion.


JEANETTE
(With remote.)
This is my favorite...
movie.

(Beat.)

Thatís fluffy.

FLUFFY
Mrowrl.

(The movie starts. Chris looks over at her face, which is turned toward the TV, and tries to subtly scoot himself a little closer. Her abnormally large posterior presents an obstacle to his getting too close. She looks over at him, grabs another handful of popcorn from her bowl, and shoves it in her mouth.)

CHRIS
Wow, I didnít realize that The Brave Little Toaster was so deep, you know, for a kids movie and all.

JEANETTE
Youíre talking.
(Crunch.)

CHRIS
Donít you want to talk? Get to know each other better?

JEANETTE
(Pauses via remote. Looks as though she is about to say something to Chris.)

MOM!

MOM
(Pokes head around corner.)
Yes?

JEANETTE
Chris wants popcorn.

CHRIS
(Looking confused.)
Actually mam, I...

(MOM is gone.)

JEANETTE
(Trying to look sultry. Unbuttons her top button.)
We can make it now.

CHRIS
(Hell no...)
What?!
(Well, maybe.)
Seriously?

(JEANETTE flutters her eyelids closed and sticks out her tongue gingerly.)

CHRIS
(Looks back for mom. Figuratively shrugs. Goes in for the kiss.)

(JEANETTE is basically licking his face, but heís valiantly trying to enjoy the experience. From out of the mass of limbs comes JEANETTEís arm with the remote and hits the PLAY button. Her eyes keep going back to the movie and she gets frustrated when his head is in the way.)

MOM
Popcornís ready!

(The two disengage quickly and face the TV. Mom places the popcorn on the side table and Chris quickly puts it over his lap, but isnít eating it.)

CHRIS
Thank you, missus... Ner?..fuhfle (Canít remember. Sheís already walked away anyway.)

(He looks at JEANETTE, who is completely engaged in the movie.)

JEANETTE
I like Blankey.
Lampy is kind of a jerk.

CHRIS
(Looks at his wrist.)
Hey, Jeanette. I didnít realize it was so late.
Iím going to go home, but why do this again sometime when your mom isnít here?

JEANETTE
Ok.

(CHRIS gets up and walks out the door.)

MOM
(Poking her head out of the kitchen.)
Jeanette honey, did your friend... uh

(Grabs her neck. Falls over with a thump.)

ACOLYTE
(Coming in from the kitchen.)
Jeanette, I have something very important I need to tell you.

JEANETTE
Youíre talking.
(Pause.)

ACOLYTE
(Hypnotizing her.)
Watch the pretty necklace. Thatís it.
Now listen to me. Listen to my voice.

You will call Chris...

JEANETTE
Chris is my boyfriend.

ACOLYTE
No! Chris is NOT your boyfriend!
You will call Chris and tell him you just want to be friends.

JEANETTE
But Chris is my boyfriend.

ACOLYTE
Jeanette! You will tell him you just want to be friends or else something terrible will happen to Fluffy.

FLUFFY
Mrowr.

JEANETTE
I love Fluffy.

ACOLYTE
Yes, yes, I know you do.
Here is a telephone. Call Chris now.

CUT TO:
EXT. FRONT LAWN - NIGHT

CHRIS is walking back to car. Cell phone rings.

CHRIS
Hello?

JEANETTE
Chris.

CHRIS
Yeah?

JEANETTE
You are NOT my boyfriend.

CHRIS
Uh-huh?

JEANETTE
I just want to be friends.

CHRIS
(Looking very wtf!?)
Aw shit.


EXT. BAR PATIO Ė DAY

CHRIS and JOHN. Beers. Smokes.

JOHN
(Shaking head.)

CHRIS
Rejected! By JEANETTE Fur..flaffle (?) of all people!
This is the lowest of the lows, man!
Thereís no getting up from this.

JOHN
Dude, if your right hand told you it just wants to be friends,
it would not surprise me in the least.

CHRIS
But I didnít even say I wanted to be.. not.. just.. friends,
That was a totally unwarranted rejection!

JOHN
Mm.. A bonus rejection.

(A very cute girl and her friend walk on to the patio and make their way over to a table.)

JOHN
(In ventriloquist speak; hushed, as little lip movement as possible.)
Dude! HOT CHICK ALERT!

CHRIS
What!? Jiggalurt?

JOHN
(No lips)
Hoooot. Chiiiick... Aleeert..

CHRISTY
(Coming up behind JOHN.)
Hey CHRIS!

CHRIS
Christy! Hey! What are you doing here?

CHRISTY
Uhh... Drinking. :)

CHRIS
JOHN, this is CHRISTY TORRENCE.

JOHN
(With one finger raised, talking with his finger like Danny from the The Shining)
Hello Missus Torrence...

CHRISTY
Hey.

CHRIS
You gals want to come sit with us?

CHRISTY
(Sincere)
Oh, sorry, I canít. Girlís night.
Canít be a traitor to the cause.

CHRIS
Understood.

CHRISTY
Hey, why donít you give me your number?
If Iím still standing I could meet you here tomorrow.

JOHN
(Obvious silly look of surprise and intrigue.)

CHRIS
(Taken aback.)
Uh.. yeah.. sure..
itís 567-2984

CHRISTY
Putting it in her cell phone...

(More girls arrive. The girl that CHRISTY came in with shouts out to her.)

GIRL#1:
CHRISTY! Quit flirting and get over here!
Girlís night!

GIRLS:
Whoooo!

CHRISTY
(Embarassed.)
Ok guys. Gotta go.
CHRIS, Iíll call ya...

CHRIS
Yeah. Cool.

(Chris looks at JOHN with disbelief.)

JOHN
(John looks at CHRIS with a shoulder shrug.)


Fade Down

TITLE: 3 DAYS LATER

Fade Up

EXT. PATIO BAR Ė DAY

CHRIS
3 Days! She hasnít called me in 3 days!

JOHN
Quit worrying about it.
Sheíll call...
or not.

Why donít you call her?

CHRIS
I never got her number.
I gave her mine.

JOHN
Well maybe something happened, dude.
It might not be you.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREETCORNER Ė DAY Ė ESTABLISHING

CHRISTY stands at a city street corner talking on her cellphone. In an obscure reference to [link to www.phonebashing.com] a red-hooded ACOLYTE runs out, grabs the phone, smashes it to the ground, and runs away as that same annoying ringtone plays. She runs after him. Onlookers look bewildered. (If he is wearing a cellphone costume, all the better.)

CUT BACK TO:

EXT. BAR PATIO Ė DAY

JOHN
Yep.
Nobody loves you dude.
You stink.

CHRIS
No, John. I donít stink.
Someone out there loves me.
Someone out there, loves me for who I am, and wants to call me back and wants to be more than just a just-friends.... friend, and doesnít have a mental problem and a huge ass, and god damn it, I am going to find that person one of these days
and thatís it! Iíll kiss the crappy ass dating world goodbye.

JOHN
(To other patrons)
You hear that people?
(To Chris, shaking head)
Theyíre devastated.

CUT TO: INT Ė INNER SANCTUM Ė DARK

GRAND MASTER is rubbing his finger on the laptop, stroking the image of CHRISí face. He has a tear running down his cheek.

GRAND MASTER
Oh, Chrish.
I feel de shame way.

(Sob.)
I wish I could quit you!


END.
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Anonymous Coward
User ID: 401248
United States
03/27/2008 12:01 PM
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Re: Why I don't have a girlfriend (Curse you Bavarian Illuminati!)
HAHAHAHAHAHA, awesome!
KindaGamey (OP)

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United States
03/27/2008 12:45 PM
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Re: Why I don't have a girlfriend (Curse you Bavarian Illuminati!)
It's hard to be a pimp.

bump
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Anonymous Coward
User ID: 394905
United States
03/27/2008 12:48 PM
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Re: Why I don't have a girlfriend (Curse you Bavarian Illuminati!)
magnus = priest
KindaGamey (OP)

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03/27/2008 01:13 PM
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Re: Why I don't have a girlfriend (Curse you Bavarian Illuminati!)
magnus = priest
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 394905


Exactly, I used it as a title/name. Is that a problem?
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Anonymous Coward
User ID: 290322
Canada
03/27/2008 01:34 PM
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Re: Why I don't have a girlfriend (Curse you Bavarian Illuminati!)
Is this the link you copied and pasted from, OP?

[link to www.kindagamey.com]
eve_4000bc
User ID: 272605
United States
03/27/2008 01:46 PM
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Re: Why I don't have a girlfriend (Curse you Bavarian Illuminati!)
sooooo stupied!
His goal was to find a girlfriend. Whatever loser!
KindaGamey (OP)

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United States
03/27/2008 02:15 PM
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Re: Why I don't have a girlfriend (Curse you Bavarian Illuminati!)
Is this the link you copied and pasted from, OP?

[link to www.kindagamey.com]
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 290322


That's me, dude. I'm allowed to copy and paste from myself. I actually thought you guys would get more of a kick out of it than my own readers.

sooooo stupied!
 Quoting: eve_4000bc 272605


Let this post demonstrate a beautiful thing called IRONY.

Since eve undoubtedly will not understand that comment I will explain: it is ironic because you called me stupid and yet you were the one that did not grasp the intent of the piece and you misspelled stupid. That's irony.

Irony is "the laughter of the universe" I like to say.
This post pending review.
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KindaGamey (OP)

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03/27/2008 02:36 PM
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Re: Why I don't have a girlfriend (Curse you Bavarian Illuminati!)
Damn it, I can't even provoke anyone into replying.

Fine, I'll let this topic drop off the page, but I swear GLP, one day you all will not notice when I'm gone and you won't consciously realize it, but you'll be crying on the inside! Mark my words!

Titties
bump bump
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TAKE 5 & have a beer for m
User ID: 399792
Belgium
03/27/2008 04:02 PM
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Re: Why I don't have a girlfriend (Curse you Bavarian Illuminati!)
OP

You are great!
We met in there.


How did you know they do that?
Personally this is something happening to me as well.

Yes,it is fully true!
sad------

'AND HER LAST GLANCE WAS ?i think,FOR A BLOSSOMING APPLE TREE ...('Penelope from Peenemünde'/poem by JOHNBUSH-1998).

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