How to find joy or peace in this crazy and chaotic world?

36m and feel that the essential things to provide a will to live have been gone for too long. Love, joy, hope, and peace seem very difficult to find.

My mom died nearly 3 years ago and I've had to process that on my own. It did make me realize that the one's your closest to can disappear faster than you could ever realize... but my family are all thousands of miles away so I never see them. We exchange texts every so often and call, but I cant afford to go visit for a week.

I work a challenging job that pays my rent and bills, but they go up every year and my annual raises arent substantial, so I typically earn 5-7% less each year with the rate of inflation and housing market costs. I look and apply for other jobs, but nobody calls back.

I do low-voltage work, and even applying to wash dishes on my nights and days off, I was "not qualified". Pretty messed up knowing my work ethic and just trying to earn an extra thousand each month.

I saved as much as I possibly could and bought a nice Sony mirrorless camera and a couple lenses to take up photography last year, I love it. It encourages me to get out and develop new skills.

Its very hard to meet new people, Ive been on a couple dates the past few years, but eithwr she or I didnt feel the vibe so Ive been single for... well, going on over a decade now.

The few women that did go out with me would mention how handsome I was and they couldnt believe Ive never been in a long term relationship... one broke up with me after a month because I wasnt present enough even though I drove 8 hours a week to go see her 5/7 days... she was a psychiatric nurse practitioner and should know I cant always reapond to texts when Im on the job. It feels like my love life is cursed.

Im physically active, 6'3", moderately outgoing, fair enough sense of humor, and certainly put everything I have into what I care about... relationships, work, goals, etc...

But I have been alone for so long I cant remember the last face I've talked to outside of work on a more than acquaintence level.

I have severe depression from this emptiness and question the point of it all.

In conclusion, it seems life falls apart so darn easily and yet it's next to impossible for it to come together. Love, joy, hope, peace... these things are fairy tale creatures to me at this point and only exist in books or movies.

That's all...
Best,