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ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves

 
Caff
10/18/2004 12:13 PM
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ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
No one is safe from this guyīs rant.

"Date: Mon Oct 04 17:47:37 2004

Several messages need to be delivered to everyone. While many of you may or may not agree with these messages, this poster couldnīt care any less. So here we go with my TO (insert name here): letters -

TO:
GOVERNMENT IN GENERAL: Take all the hard-working illegal immigrants we have in the country right now and give Green Cards to the ones who can speak English (the official language of this country). Make English mandatory for anyone wishing to become a citizen. Lower the price and remember the words on the bottom of the Statue of Liberty. There, problem solved.

REPUBLICANS: Your form of government and economics relies too much on the honor system. The honor system does not work. We are a greedy, selfish, easily-angered species that cannot keep our emotions in check. Stick to running businesses, not countries.

I like making my own decisions. Do not choose what is best for me. Freedom of Speech, Religion, and the pursuit of life, liberty, happiness, and all that jazz are constitutionally guarranteed. If I mess up, itīs my damn fault. This includes fudgepacking, smot poking, bdsm, and all of those other "naughty" things you hate so much. According to the above, this is all okay (YIPEE!). If you donīt like it, change the channel/dial/view and turn up some music. I donīt crucify you when you go to church, sit in a stuffy suit, and sing (badly) for hours on end. Please do not crucify me if I decide to "put it where it doesnīt belong" while wearing a dog collar and smoking a big, phat Bahama Joint. I work, I pay taxes, and I donīt hit old ladies when Iīm driving. What more do you fīn want from me?

And get the hell out of my Doritos! If my personal life involves you, Iīll let you know.

DEMOCRATS: Waah, waah, waah! Life sucks, get a helmet. I donīt care if youīre underclass, underage, underappreciated, undernourished, or under someoneīs foot. There are 7 billion and 5 different programs out there and I am sure that one of them will help you from making your own decisions.

Guns donīt kill people. Little, metal projectiles kill people. His or her mother/father/TV/Radio/Video Game/Internet Porn Site/Brothers-Mothers-Nephews-Cousins-Former Roommate did NOT make them shoot Person Y. He/She shot person Y. He (I got tired of writing He/She so shut up) had his finger on the trigger. He made the conscious decision to send that neurochemical to his synapses, fire of some electrical impulses, squeeze, and redecorate the nearby scenery in a lovely shade of crimson and brain-matter grey. Nut up and take some personal responsibility (**GASP** No!) If you canīt teach your kids "right from wrong", DONīT BREED!!!

As I said to the REPUBLICANS, I like making my own decisions. If I donīt want to listen to your Public Service Announcements that smoking is bad for me and I should quit or else Iīm the spawn of Loki, Satan, Lucifer, or whatever devil you see, guess what? I can change the channel! Wow! Itīs called freedom of choice.

I donīt have to hire Joe-Bob-Billy-Jim-Joe because heīs Marimalamikian and I have to keep a certain quota of them on my work force. Hell, I donīt have to meet any sort of quota! Why? Because all the employees I hire can do their job! Wow! What a fucking concept! Itīs called the Civil Rights Ammendment. And no, Iīm not biased against Marimalamikianīs or whatever. I hate everyone equally because, for the most part, everyone is stupid. Everyone.

And get the hell out of my Doritos! If my personal life involves you, Iīll let you know.

GREEN PARTY: Like it or not, pollution is part of nature! Youīre not trying to "save the planet", youīre trying to save this selfish species and our way of life. Once again, life sucks, get a helmet! No matter what you think/feel/say/do, everything that has happened to this point in time has happened because ITīS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! The only way we are going to destroy the planet is if we fired our nuclear arsenal at a single point on the planet and physically cracked it. The planet shatters. Only then is the world destroyed. Life continues on with or without our pathetic (and other pathetic) species. Deal.

Now excuse me while I fish this camera out of my Doritos and tear myself off a Deep-Fried Spotted Owl wing.

CAUCASIAN AMERICANS: The African American Lawyer will not go on a tirade of how you are oppressing him as long as you donīt bring it up. The Mexican Immigrant will not ask you for help unless he needs it because he works hard. The Asian Americans will not try to give you a shady deal if you are HONEST with your intentions. Native Americans ARE part of this society. Get over it. You are not the most important person here. Life does not revolve around you.

AFRICAN AMERICANS: It ended more than 100 years ago and I wasnīt there. Get over it.

ASIAN AMERICANS: I group you all together because a lot of your behavior patterns are the same. I also donīt care to write a letter to each of you so here it goes - take a few Student Driving courses, loosen up a bit, and smack a doctor next time he says that Qi Gong/Tai Chi/Accupuncture or Accupressure is a waste of time. After all, 6000 years and 1 Billion plus people canīt be wrong.

MEXICAN/LATIN AMERICANS: All that I ask is that you learn to speak English. Itīs the offical language of this country and I speak Spanish/Portugese/whatever when I go to your country. Itīs respectful. Other than that, keep up the good work and pass the salsa.

PACIFIC ISLANDERS & NATIVE AMERICANS: Where the hell are you guys?!? Join the party! We wonīt bite (unless you ask)! To put it simply, I have never found a person out of either two of these groups that I did not like.

EUROPEANS (minus France): For the time being, New York and California are not seceeding from the US. Sad, I know, but give it time. If things donīt work out between the US and yourselves, just remember to miss CA and NY with the nukes. After all, we love you guys.

FRANCE: You are dead to me. For everyone one of your people that I have met who has not been a complete asshole, I meet ten that are. You have as much respect for everyone else as the rest of the US does (which is none).

CANADA: If Quebec wants to leave, let them. Come join us here in Cali or NY. We could use the support/drinking buddies.

THE US EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM: Remember the days of holding people back? Failing Students? Teaching to the top? Teaching practical application OVER quantifiable numerics? Me too. Bring it back!

MEN: If you only have enough blood in your body to use one brain at a time, get a transfussion. Your dick is not an excuse. It is merely a means to an end. Make up your fucking minds and realize that you are not the only important thing on this planet.

WOMEN: 2/3 of the worldīs best assassins are female, some of the more intelligent doctors are female, etc. Your ovaries and tits are not excuses. They are merely a means to an end. Make up your fucking minds and realize that you are not the only important thing on this planet.

CHILDREN: Nut up, get out on the blacktop, and throw that dodgeball back at that little shit harder than he threw it at you. Did you knock him in the mud? Good! Now his immune system will be stronger. Play rough! Play hard! Play dirty! It builds character (remember that?!?).

THE US (INCLUDING CA AND NY): Lighten the fuck up, people! Itīs just life! People get hurt and die. Bad things happen. Hell, 99.9% of all humor is derived from the pain, agony, misery, and suffering of ourselves and others. The other .1% sucks for telling jokes.

We are not the police of the world. If you donīt walk over to your neighborīs yard, throw your dick on his lawn, and tell him how to mow it, then you shouldnīt go into another personīs country, throw down your "dick", and tell him not to run it. Itīs called respect, something the people of this country are lacking.

ALL HATE GROUPS: Your sister is not a good choice for genetic diversity. Burning crosses are cliche. The only difference between you and whomever you hate is either religious (which youīll never agree on so just get over it) or pigmental. Melanin is a natural body protein that cause you to **gasp** get tan! Lots of Melanin = Darker Skin = Better protection from the sun. WOW!

Either live respectfully with the rest of us or die off. We donīt need you or want you.

EVERYONE: Yīall need to be smacked (myself included). Hard.
-------

Now if yīall donīt mind, Wheel of Fortune is on.

AUTHOR BIO: 25 SWM, grew up Lower-Middle Class, has been poor/broke/homeless, and pulled his happy-ass out of it to support himself, by himself.

Hate mail will be laughed at.

Thankyoudrivethrough"


GAWD, I love Craigīs List:
[link to newyork.craigslist.org]

link to www.godlikeproductions.com] alt='lmao'> link to www.godlikeproductions.com] alt='applause'>
Caff
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves


Come on, this is funny. Somebody, READ IT!whip

Soakingood
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
Good laugh, Caff!

flower
willow
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
Thanks Caff, yea pretty funny.
Soakingood
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
I forgot.....


here...stoner
Kassandra
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
Heīs spot on, and too funny!
Doglike Herb
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
This guy is cool!!! A little tame but cool!!!
Thing Two
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
Now, I just feel left out.
O-Ren
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
Wasnt Bad.

BUT:

Cali and NY arent the center of the universe...get over it.
Caff
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
Glad you guys appreciated it.

Hey, SG, thanks! I needed that!

*passes to Herb*stoner

O-ren - yeah, but Craigīs Listers are heavily concentrated in LA and NYC, and they really do think theyīre the center of the Universe...
Anonymous Coward
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
lmao

Everyone should see this. Too damn funny and too damn accurate.
trista
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
worship
AEm
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
Yep, pretty funny and sadly pretty true.

hi
The clap
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
applauseapplauseapplauseapplause
applauseapplauseapplauseapplause
unibonger
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: ROFL! "Warning: This post could piss you off" - via best of Craig´s List rants&raves
This guy sounds like he spent some time in The Netherlands.





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