HELP!!! I'm Starting to HATE my Step Kids!!!!!

Thats funny because in todays world simple discipline is child abuse.

But it usually works.

It's probably not child abuse as long as food is available, esp. if stepmom is ill. And there's no physical abuse. Don't do that, then the law will be against you.

There could be a custody issue going on here -- if the house isn't maintained at a certain level, OP and her hubby lose the amount of custody they have. That could be a source of pressure. The kids already spend most of their time with their "real" mother, so OP really has no chance.

Don't sweat it. They are not your kids, don't try to change it. Do what they cannot do for themselves and make them do the rest -- and that should be just about everything. They are pretty old now, and the 15 year old can supervise the younger one.

My advice: Don't spend much time at home. Start traveling and spending time away. Bide your time, they'll be gone soon enough. And when they head to college pack up, sell the house, and move far away.

Also, don't buy a lot of food they can cook and discourage them from doing so. Say it's because you heard about some teen kid starting a kitchen fire. Tell them to use the pre-packaged stuff you buy instead.

You are stressing way too much over what's going on. Just suck it up because it's only something temporary you have to put up with. Lean heavily on your husband for help and explain you are sick and you need him to step up and help you clean the messes, etc. These kids are formed and you won't change them. It's not worth constant fighting, war and tension in the house. Keep telling yourself, they'll be gone eventually.

Accept them, place a distance between you and them, and like I said...bide your time. Keep thinking how nice it will be when it's just you and hubby.

Oh...and by the way soon both will be driving and will spend the majority of their time hanging w/ friends, part-time job, girlfriends and won't have time for you anyway. That's what teens do.

lol...didn't realize it was so old. My advice still stands. Hopefully she took it and the kids have one foot out the door by now and hubby stepped up to the plate.

One day they will have their own kids and will raise them similarly and be miserable at home too. Then she can sit back and grin.

Yeah, classic parental alienation syndrome. "Poisoned kids." The divorce is not what gets the kids, it's this lethal poison injected daily by whichever parent is resentful of the divorce.

I'm still here and still married! We are doing much better. My Husband and I went to counseling. He has started to put boundaries in place and rules for his kids.

The oldest one left for college this year.

So suck it!

I feel for you. I have a step son that is 13. I have been with him and his mom for most of his life. He is getting worse as the time goes by. ALL the problems yo are experiencing sounds like you're talking about mine...exactly. His mother tells him stuff but doesn't follow through until she's had it and then throws a tantrum. He does it and then goes back to his usual ways. His mom has changed too over the years and not for the better. Anyway, I've tried talking to him, explaining things to him, asking him if he had any problems or comments about what I said or want. I told him to speak freely without anything coming back to haunt him for voicing his opinion. I try getting involved with things he likes. I have punished him for bad behavior and rewarded him for good behavior. I've taken away hi TV, computer, games, etc....he simply goes without and goes to bed. I think the two of us should dump ourother halves and run away together, lol. These last two posts have nerve putting you down. Must be nice that they have such "perfect" step kids! If they don't then they should shut the hell up!

Timothy 3:1-5

3 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.
2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive,
disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable,
slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless,
swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,
5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.

Avoid such people.

I am not trying to be mean here, but it is apparent that you might need to take something for anxiety. I would go to a free clinic, or to the regular doc and get something for anxiety, that has a calming effect. When your body undergoes high stress, such as loud noises repeatedly and often, kids will often get on your last nerve. I have severe anxiety, with very noisy kids, and I can vouch personally, if I don't take something, they will get on my last nerve. It isn't that they are doing anything not normal,it is that your threshold for noise, and stress is lower than it should be. I can promise you that no matter how "bad" they may seem, your ability to cope with it will become alot easier if you take something for anxiety. There are many good kinds that won't make you feel weird, just relaxed and calm. Don't take zoloft though, it tends to make you feel agitated.

i read this post and felt like i had to reply.

i raised 2 sons as a single parent, they are now 25 and 20.
They were lazy little fuckers, as lazy as they come. The oldest is now in university and on his own in a beautifully furnished CLEAN apartment, he is tidy. The youngest is also successful in his career, not exactly clean, but relatively tidy, and respectful of other spaces and cleans up after himself.
Trust me, this was not always the case, I am anally retentive, organised, and somewhat ocd, so i definately had my issues with them.

Now that they are grown, I realise, this is part of growing up and that as they learn who they are they also learn to take pride in their surroundings and respectful and tidier.

BUT nonetheless here's a fun suggestion if you don't embarrass easily...
Once with my own kids, I picketed my own house. Walked back and forth in front of my house with a picket sign, my cup of coffee, "MOM ON STRIKE" mostly just hanging out, having a laugh with the neighbors. But the kids were mortified.


Which brings me to NOW.

I am now raising 2 stepsons, aged 18 and 15. You would think I would know better, Ive been through it all before.
They are almost identical in character to my own sons. One of them even has the same first and middle name (i shit you not!). Anyways, they are pigs, they leave their toenail clippings everywhere,dishes in their room, do their half ass chores, sweep the floor, leave the piles of shit without using the dustpan to just finish it(i swear they love to hear me bitch.
I guess the difference here, is when it was my own kids, id just smack em up the side of the head and say stop this bullshit and help your mother out. I cant really do that to my stepkids, although i run that scenario through my head about a thousand times a day. hehe

Their dad works very hard but is just as lazy and half assed around the house, however, I have an agreement with him, a partnership, and the kids know this.
They dont really listen to him either.
The thing is, we talk to them, and they start out all good, and then it just goes back to the same old same old, toe nails stuck to my sock, xbox games everywhere,all dishes in the bedrooms, or sink, missing garbage day,nobody walking/feeding dog,etc, etc,.

Im not really sure what to do though. These are not my kids. The only thing that stopped me from killing my kids when THEY did this shit, was my deep maternal love for them. Well, while i love these boys. I just dont quite have that.

I have tried every approach to get these boys to tidy up after themselves, trust me, its been years. My therapist is even stumped on this one. lol
So as I said, I do realise it's part of life, and it too will pass.

Hell,Im not even really asking for advice, and to the people out there who feel compelled to be a douche, because we all know there will be at least one,I hope right now you are wondering "IS that me?" :)
Anyways... I only have a few more years till these guys are well adjusted young men and I go visit them in their beautiful homes and say...

"I cant believe you used to be such a pig"

What? Those curs. Don't they know that as a woman, you're entitled to make everyone behave exactly how you want them to? Based on how you "feel" as ant given moment? What evil little bastards they are to act like every other adolescent boy ever. You have obviously been given a bum rap, better divorce him and take all his shit(except the kids) like women do these days when things get a bit rough. You totally deserve to be happy, family or no.

Get paper plates.

They can have real ones when they learn to clean up after themselves.

Take away the kids computer until he listens. The younger one is bound to follow the older.

I would divorce you if I knew you talked about my kids this way. Just saying.

After reading multiple post. The poor just children excuse is bs. if the man wont back you i recomend leaving. Most will say you signed up for it when you got married. However, being a door mat isnt what anyone signs up for. Set the rules, if not followed punish accordingly. If no results, make the punishment harder. Be the law not the one that becomes a victum of someones crapy kids. Just because they love them unconditionaly doesnt mean you have to. Be independant, live how you want not how others expect you to.

Its sad that you have to go through that but its also sad that you cant stand those kids and im sure they know it

No wonder the first wife left him. This man is without natural affection ..he does not give a hoot how his children behave - the state of their souls or his wifes health or emotional state means nothing to him, because he is unable to love anyone. Everything to a man like this is about pleasing himself. He hates Christ.

They are teenagers. Wonder if you were ever a teenager?

You curse, call their Mother a whore, the Children pigs, are extremely self centered and you expect them to act well. Can't imagine why that isn't happening.

Yoyr a pos if you let your wife be treated that way

when you realize that you are doing all this to yourself then you can stop it.

stop cooking for them.. stop doing their laundry.. stop cleaning up after them.. and please stop bitching!

They are lazy little bastards for complaining about putting their dish in the dishwasher.

Then what are you for doing the same?

Its a fucking dishwasher. Its not like you have to bring water from the river and build a fire in the rain to warm it.

This is.t about dishes. This is about you feeling sorry for yourself. You lost your childhood to pregnancy when you were the age of the oldest boy. Your kids didnt ha e the advantages these boys have. You are envious. Deal with that. Life is hard for all of us. You might have liked to have had a mom cleaningyour kit hen when you were ficteen and doi.g your homework. Maybe if you had you wouldnt have gotten pregnant so young. Now you are sick and wish to be tsken care of. Go to hour adult husband with that. If he loves you he will care for you. Maybe he will load the disheasher for hou to show how much he cares.

Dont take out your anger about hour health and yohr life on kids. They didnt do it to you. Didnt make you sick. Didnt get you pregnant as a little young teen. Its not their fault. Face yourself and own your own rage and fear. It will make you stronger.

Dont take it out on kids.

If bending over the dishwasher makes you woozy, talk to your husband about that. I bet you could soak and scrape the dishes and if they are in orderly stacks he could load and unload the dishwasher for you. If he unloads to the counter you can put them away.

Its realy hard to clean up in someone elses kitchen, especially if she bitches at you that you do it wrong.

In a modern kitchen you dont need help anyway. If an eleven year.old can do it a sick stepmother can too. You do.t need child.labor.

You can tell the older one who cooks that he gets to cook for the family one night a week. Cook does all the cleanup. Its the best way to let him experience a little empathy. Just be sure to compliment his cooking.

2008...those 11 and 13 year olds would now be about 17 and 19...I wonder how it all turned out for them ??

It's going to get much worse and will never get better.
Being a parent is difficult.... being a step parent to ungrateful brats is impossible. Get out or expect to be miserable the rest of your life.

This.

OP, I am a single mom with chronic illness and two kids 11 & 13, my oldest is 22 and out of the house but believe me the last year before he moved out was hell...thank god we've mended it but those teen years SUCK! (I have sole custody of all my kids, so thankfully I don;t have the ex situation you do...I have plenty of friends who I see go through the BS of "two homes/ two sets of rules (or none at all)
Also, my 11 yr old is very much one of those "difficult" to talk to kids...he takes everything personally and cries/gets mad at the slightest push sometimes. We have our good days and our bad, and there's times I just want to hide in the bathroom till he falls asleep...so I "get it" You are in an uphill battle with 50% of their time being in a place with NO boundaries or rules.

THAT being said... There's a lot of good advice on this thread about setting boundaries and working with your husband to lay the foundation - I agree that sitting them down and communicating with them (like a regular family meeting) is a good place to start...let them know that your job as parents is to make sure they can grow up and function in society as responsible adults, and if your home is the only place that they can receive these life lessons so be it.
Get out the whiteboard and make a list, discuss rewards for each task and deductions for refusal/inaction. Letting the kids come up with reasonable consequences will give them a feeling of being included - belonging is a key factor here, because they probably have some feelings of being unwanted by both parents to some degree.

NEXT - make it clear that you are recovering from a serious illness and that means certain specific boundaries. If you need to have quiet after a certain time of night, etc. Also, try to find something YOU can do OUT of the house for your health, at least once a week. Yoga, swimming, going out for a cup of tea, anything that will nourish your soul and body so you come home feeling more equipped to handle your life. (god, I need to follow that advice! lol)

As a reward, you and the family can think of something to do together at the end of each week to congratulate yourselves for the TEAM effort. This way you reinforce the family unit and your roles as the parental units...

It's said that ANY new habit or behavior takes 21 days to truly become ingrained into your psyche...just think of it like quitting smoking or any other bad habit, it takes patience and practice and ENCOURAGEMENT. Remember to say thank you when they *do* the stuff - even if you think it should be a given. (and dont be afraid to even share that tidbit of "breaking bad habits" with the kids, they will get it)


Best of luck to you OP and please try some of these ideas from myself & others...You and your husband deserve to take control and demand sanity and respect in your home, but don't forget the Love, too!


AW shit! That was really good advice and then I realize the thread is 4 years old...how sad...Hope that family worked it out

Last Edited by Bansheegrrl on 01/26/2015 12:37 AM

Bang only, no marry, do not reproduce.