OP, my advice to you is to just forget about it, blow it off. Life is too short. Your husband isn't going to step up or he already would have. You're allowing yourself to become angry at those kids who need your love and attention and for you to really like them and be their friend. You're blaming your husband's ex wife when it's clear he never has enforced the children minding and still is unable to do so, and probably only goes through the motions now to placate you. Really - he doesn't care, he's just trying to keep the peace with YOU.

So...blow it off. Get yourself used to the idea that there's extra dishes to do when the kids are there. That you've married a spineless wimp who doesn't enforce bedtimes or limit computer time for his children's own good, and will never care about being a real father other than the show he puts on to placate you.

Don't get yourself worked up about it anymore. Let it all go. Better for your health. Just be happy.

YOU CHOSE THESE PEOPLE. YOU DID.

Love them.

You know, if one of those kids got hit by a car and killed tomorrow you'd just be eaten up with guilt about not spending more quality time with them and about how upset you got about these little things.

Love your people. Tell them a hundred times each time with a sweet smile those same things over and over and really mean that smile.

And if you don't find any things to like about their mom, who is also a human being, who also got sick of putting up with their useless father, the children will never improve. I'm sure they sense your vitriol towards their mom. Hey, it's their MOM! DUH!

Empty your heart of all that hatred and anger and just let it all go. Things will improve for you when YOU CHILL, and YOU RELAX, and YOU BECOME A BETTER PERSON instead of a hateful resentful 'wicked' stepmother.