My Mom died friday night. Did we do the right thing???

My Mom entered the hospital last week with lung disease. She had been a lifetime smoker, but had quit a few months back. Something was causing her lungs to quickly fill with scar tisue, and killing off the cells in her lungs. They wanted to do a lung biopsy, to determine what the cause was exactly, but she was not strong enough for the procedure. In explaining to me what was going on, the doc showed me the xrays from two years ago, and the ones from this past week. What had once been black areas on the xray,(black is good area, area with air)two years ago, were now almost totally white. The only areas that had air were basically just fibers running through the dead tissue. She was going to die, and it was happening quickly.

She was awake and more lucid then she had been for almost a year now. What we had thought to be her mind drifting away from old age, or meds, was actually from low oxygen. She did not want to be put on a respirator in the end, so they were using a BiPap machine to assist her breathing slightly. We were blessed with three days for her family and friends to say their good byes. In those days literally hundreds of people drifted in and out of her room, and my Mom left each one of them with some of the most amazing sentiments. Once the hospital realized that they werent going to be able to stop the influx of all of these people, they finally just put her in a private room at the end of the hall, so everyone could just come and go.

She was actually doing ok for the first two days. It was hard to believe this woman with all this spirit, was laying there dying. By the third day, you could tell it was becoming more hard for her to breathe. At one point she pulled me to her, and she said "You know I am getting weaker, huh Baby?"

On that night, I was staying the night with her, along with two of my uncles. She had been asleep much of the afternoon, but she suddenly woke, grabbing at the bed, and gasping for air. She couldnt breathe and she was panicking. It was horrible to see! I just leaned over her and wispered in her ear, and tried to calm her, until the nurse could get in and knock her out with meds. All she was saying was "Breathe with me Baby", almost like she wanted me to breathe for her.

Once she was knocked out things were ok. She was breathing enough to sustain life, along with the 100% oxygen she was getting. But when awake it was now to the point that she could feel that she physically couldnt breathe. I did not want her to wake back up! I didnt want her to go through that again! The nurse came and talked to my uncle just before the incident had happened, and said that with her heart rate slowing as it was, that it would not be long. And that she could take that mask off, if she wanted, so she could talk with her family easier. It wasnt life support, it just assisted her breathing.

After calling everyone in, and talking with my sisters, It was decided that we would have the nurse give her more meds, and take the mask off. So she could just slowly drift off. It was obvious that her lungs were to the point that they could not sustain her. Well it didnt work out that way.

We took the mask off, and she woke up. She was fighting, and yelled "I still have all of my senses!" But she could not breathe. It would have not done any good to replace the mask, it was not doing anything anymore. The only reason she had not panicked again, was because she was knocked out. Now here she was, awake, and fighting for her life. She pinned her eyes wide open, and wouldnt blink, like if she didnt close them, she wouldnt die. It was the most horrific experience I have ever had! I ran out of the room to get the nurse, and tell them that OH MY GOD SHE IS AWAKE!!! But it takes a while to get those kinds of meds cleared, and it still took some minutes more. I went to go back into the room, and there my sisters were on each side of her, and she still had her eyes pinned opened. I couldnt go back in. And I just ran out of the hospital. They told me later, that she had died shortly after.

The funeral was yesterday, no one has talked about what happened. She was not supposed to have woke up!!! And if she wouldnt have, it would have been ok. But she did!!! and it kills me to think about it!!!! And I feel horrible that she suffered like that!!! Please tell me what you all think. Was it wrong??? I know you all will be truthful.