Burying the ghost of lost love

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Burying the ghost of lost love
Aileana Offer Upgrade User ID: 650072 United States 04/05/2009 11:17 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Burying the ghost of lost love Late at night, as you read quietly, before you fall off to sleep... During a busy afternoon as you run through a crowd, hurrying back to your office or home.... Sitting in a movie theatre, a restaurant or waiting for the light to turn... A sudden thought or image rises within you. It can come as a small nagging feeling or as a wave of emotion that threatens to overwhelm and drown you in the grief of a memory. Either way it's clear; here comes his/her ghost again. For those who are haunted by a past relationship, the instinctive response is often to run away from these feelings or to pretend they just aren't there. It is also not uncommon to react by setting your system on "anger mode" and seeing everything and everyone in a negative light. Shutting down all ability to handle even the simple routine tasks of daily life is another response, and one that signals depression. This one needs to be addressed quickly, as it can leave a trail of destruction in its path. These defense mechanisms are employed as a way of coping and to "get through the day." However, when these responses become prolonged and ingrained, we can get stuck in the grieving process that accompanies loss. This is where the ghosts come in. All loss, especially the absence of someone with whom we were intimate, results in sadness, anger, denial, fear, depression and guilt. These feelings are normal. However, how we respond to them will make the difference in how well we recover and move on to a new and healthy life. In order to work through the grief and finally lay those ghosts to rest, you may need some help with the important do's and don'ts of grieving. The following is a basic primer to get you started. Things to Do: Acknowledge Feelings Denial can provide a very short-term way to cope with loss, but will compound the bottling up of destructive feelings that need to find a healthy outlet for expression. Allowing yourself to feel helps you to understand that what you are feeling is normal and therefore, you are not "crazy" or alone. It also opens the way to learning how to cope and move towards a positive resolution. Over time you will learn that feelings won't kill you, and that you are strong and able to confront them and move on. Express Anger Safely and Productively Fear of our own anger is normal. This is why we have so much difficulty expressing it to others. We imbue it with a power that is beyond our control and something that can only be destructive. Therefore, we stuff everything inside. Pressure builds and we explode, and out comes the "anger monster"; a creation of our own inability to deal with anger when it is at a lower, more manageable level. There are safe ways to express these feelings. Crying, talking to friends, writing down the feelings and even engaging in some physically demanding labor are all healthy ways to release your anger. Take Care Of Yourself This seems to be one of the things we most neglect when loss strikes. Not caring for even basic needs is one of the faces of grief. It can also be a sign of a dangerous depression. Therefore, it has to be a priority. Basic needs are what usually require attention. These include: adequate sleep, eating right, taking care of minimal household and financial responsibilities and attention to personal grooming. In addition, exercise not only provides a great outlet for stress, it has been proven in clinical trials to be effective in lessening depression in a significant number of people. Regular exercise can also offer assistance to those who have difficulty sleeping and heightens self-esteem. Build and Strengthen Social Supports A strong social support system is always important. During a time of extreme loss, it is vital to recovery. Do you have good, supportive friends? Do they have time and energy that they can offer to you during this period of grieving? What about religious ties? A church, temple or other community of like-minded believers? Do you have good support from any family members? What about organizations that you have participated in and given your time and energy to? Can they now give something back to you? These are a few of the supports that you can turn to. Make sure you PLAN well for weekends, holidays and other significant days. Let people know you want to get together and that you want to get out regularly and stay active and involved. This allows others to offer their support and remember to include you in group activities, etc. Give Yourself Time Getting over the loss of someone you love takes time. It is a process. It doesn't take "forever". You will move on and recover. But beware of that feeling that is often expressed of "I don't know what's wrong with me, it's been months and I'm still not over it". The months SEEM like forever, but you know they are a relatively short period of time. You need to give yourself that time or run the strong risk of getting stuck for (perhaps years) in the quicksand of grief. Set Realistic Goals This is a time to prioritize and decide what you most want and need and to make a realistic plan for achieving it. Goals will keep you focused and on-track. They will provide a compass as you navigate your way to a new life. They will help you to achieve success and to boost your self-esteem. This achievement will help you to feel strong and capable of beginning a new life. Things to Avoid When enveloped in grief and loss, we have to be careful not to respond in dysfunctional ways. Some classic examples of poor coping behaviors include: overuse of alcohol use of illegal drugs ignoring signs of serious depression sexual acting out recklessness with finances ignoring basic safety and placing self in risky situations These are all the result of low self-esteem, guilt and feelings of hopelessness. With good supports and the utilization of healthy ways to express feelings, you will be at far less risk of using these self-injurious behaviors. Remember, we must be willing to accept grief as a possible price of experiencing love. Many, many people have gone through the process of loss and despair and come out strong, whole and ready for a new life. Along the way, they often come to know themselves better and to understand what they most need and want from their relationships. Armed with this new experience and knowledge they are then ready to form new, healthy and lasting relationships. Frequently Asked Questions Q. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years several months ago. We had a relationship that had its ups and downs and somehow it just died out. Even though I had mixed feelings at times, I am devastated over losing him. He has already started seeing someone seriously and seems to have moved on. I feel abandoned and hurt and am having trouble sleeping, eating, etc. I now realize he is perfect for me, but it seems just too late. He seems to be "falling in love" with this other woman. I can't stop thinking about him and wanting him. Everything reminds me of him and us. I feel like I let a great guy go, actually handed him to someone else. How do I get over him? A. You appear to have all the classic feelings of grief. You are hurt, sad, guilty, and angry with yourself, unsure of yourself, scared and at a loss as to where to go from here. First of all, recognize that this will take some time to recover from. Tell yourself this every time you feel impatient with how long you have felt this way. Secondly, make sure that you structure your days and plan for (good) eating, sleep and the handling of routine (but necessary) responsibilities. This is not the time to make any major decisions or changes. Don't strive for being perfect in how you handle these things, but make a conscious effort to do the essential minimum. Reach out to friends and family who are supportive. If you have a friend who is FUN to do things with, go out and have some laughs. While out, take your feelings of grief and shelve them. Compartmentalization gives you a break from the pain. You can pull them back out later on. Be careful not to see just the good things that were present in this (lost) relationship. We tend to idealize the lost love. It wasn't perfect. If it were, you would be together. Set some realistic goals. These will give you a map as you try to find your way to a "new" life, one without this relationship. Achievement also brings a feeling of accomplishment and improves self-esteem. Remember that you will get through this. If you let yourself grieve and find healthy outlets for the feelings, you can then get unstuck. From there you look to a new and better future with someone who is really right for you. Q. I recently (1 month ago) broke up with my girlfriend of over 2 years. I thought we had a good relationship, headed to marriage. She was my world. However, she decided she needed to discover who she is and date more people before she chooses the one. I'm devastated. I can't sleep, have trouble eating. can't concentrate and quite frankly, can't see a future without her. I'm feeling desperate, what do I do? A. You are suffering from depression. You probably need professional help in order to get you through the first and most intense stages of grieving for this relationship. Ask friends and family to help you find a professional who is right for you. Follow through with this. It will be your lifeline. It will also be very important to focus on the activities of your daily life. You need to plan your meals, sleep time and the handling of necessary responsibilities. If necessary, you may need to ask for help in order to take care of these. It's ok; it won't be for a long time, just until you are feeling stronger and more stable. Give yourself time and surround yourself with the people who care. You will need a lot of support and help, but you will get through this loss. When you do, you will be better prepared to go out and find the person who can commit to you and who shares your goals and with whom you can be truly intimate with. End Notes This issue was designed to assist those who have lost a relationship and are stuck in the grieving process that follows. Remember to give yourself time and to allow others to offer their help and support. Most importantly, take care of yourself and avoid blame and self-recriminations. Your reward will come with a healthy and lasting future love. By Toni Coleman, LCSW Last Edited by Aileana on 04/08/2009 06:37 AM

goddess ISIS User ID: 465388 Indonesia 04/08/2009 06:25 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Wonderful post! taking care of yourself is very important. IMO Wishing everybody on GLP love ISIS
DanG User ID: 585146 United States 04/09/2009 08:41 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love time helps - but still get random flashes... posted this a year ago, just after it happened. Saturday, April 12, 2008 hole in my heart after searching for years, I found my perfect mate .... - we had everything in common..... but she wasn't ready..... maybe some time in the future she will be....... but I'll probably have moved on.... I feel sad for us both..... I wish with all my heart it could be different.... but wishes only come true in movies.... as time goes forward the hole in my heart will grow smaller.... but it will never be completely gone.
Aileana (OP) User ID: 561062 United States 04/09/2009 08:42 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love that was beautiful DanG, has it got better?
Anonymous Coward User ID: 653471 United States 04/09/2009 08:49 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Thank You for that....perfect timing for me,,,,I know all about those ghosts! I will follow what the post said and give myself time. I will try hard not to blame myself for what happened and try to find the things in life that I can build on! thank you again...
Aileana (OP) User ID: 561062 United States 04/09/2009 09:00 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love this article really helped me with my pain. i'm glad its helping you too

Anonymous Coward User ID: 653224 United States 04/09/2009 09:05 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Sometimes those lost loves aren't what we thought they would be. I have met a few lost loves later in life and..."oh my". Fat..or they went to pot...or whatever. I thought to myself...thank goodness. Cherish the memories and if fate will have it maybe someone else needs you now!!!
Aileana (OP) User ID: 561062 United States 04/09/2009 09:08 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Sometimes those lost loves aren't what we thought they would be. I have met a few lost loves later in life and..."oh my". Fat..or they went to pot...or whatever. I thought to myself...thank goodness. Cherish the memories and if fate will have it maybe someone else needs you now!!! Quoting: Anonymous Coward 653224 yes thats true. thank god for unanswered prayers. but i would say that their is one i can't seem to shake, the memories come back when you least expect them. probably because its the only one that i didn't get closure too and the only one that i didn't remain friends with.
Anonymous Coward User ID: 653224 United States 04/09/2009 09:16 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Sometimes those lost loves aren't what we thought they would be. I have met a few lost loves later in life and..."oh my". Fat..or they went to pot...or whatever. I thought to myself...thank goodness. Cherish the memories and if fate will have it maybe someone else needs you now!!! yes thats true. thank god for unanswered prayers. but i would say that their is one i can't seem to shake, the memories come back when you least expect them. probably because its the only one that i didn't get closure too and the only one that i didn't remain friends with. Quoting: Aileana Yes I know...closure. One way or another we need to make some sense of it. I had a recent occasion to be able to communicate with a long lost love in the internet and I have no idea where it will go but we both have shared some nice memories and after all these years I wanted her to know that I DID love her. She said the same. Just to let someone know that you loved them is very important. Remember...sometimes we don't get a second chance. Life is mysterious sometimes and I really feel that if it's meant to be it will happen. Sometimes someone will come into our lives for a day...or a week...or a season...but there is always a reason!!!
Aileana (OP) User ID: 561062 United States 04/09/2009 09:20 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Just to let someone know that you loved them is very important. Remember...sometimes we don't get a second chance. Quoting: Anonymous Coward 653224 that statement hit home for me. to have someone tell you that you are the love of their life and then they just walk away. makes you wonder, how could i have been, did he feel anything at all? but those are things i will never get answers too and i have to accept that and move on with my life. i gave him first billing for the longest time, its my turn now, i need to heal me.
Anonymous Coward User ID: 455519 United States 04/09/2009 09:23 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Wow! Just what I was needing to hear! Many thanks for the post!! Excellent!!! xox

Anonymous Coward User ID: 653224 United States 04/09/2009 09:25 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Just to let someone know that you loved them is very important. Remember...sometimes we don't get a second chance. that statement hit home for me. to have someone tell you that you are the love of their life and then they just walk away. makes you wonder, how could i have been, did he feel anything at all? but those are things i will never get answers too and i have to accept that and move on with my life. i gave him first billing for the longest time, its my turn now, i need to heal me. Quoting: Aileana Yes....enjoy life. Maybe he did you a favor? Just when you think life sucks something will happen one day that will change everything. This could be the day!!! :-)
Aileana (OP) User ID: 561062 United States 04/09/2009 09:29 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Wow! Just what I was needing to hear! Many thanks for the post!! Excellent!!! xox Quoting: Anonymous Coward 455519 you are very welcome. looks like their are a number of us out there just trying to recover. wishing you love and happiness.
Anonymous Coward User ID: 625711 United States 04/09/2009 09:31 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love yeah, sigh, I'm in the thick of it right now, just barely making it....
Aileana (OP) User ID: 561062 United States 04/09/2009 09:32 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Yes....enjoy life. Maybe he did you a favor? Just when you think life sucks something will happen one day that will change everything. This could be the day!!! :-) Quoting: Anonymous Coward 653224 i sure hope so AC, thank you for your kindness
Aileana (OP) User ID: 561062 United States 04/09/2009 09:33 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love yeah, sigh, I'm in the thick of it right now, just barely making it.... Quoting: Anonymous Coward 625711 hang in there AC, you are not alone. and dont underestimate the power of a really good cry
CelticLegends User ID: 616930 United Kingdom 04/09/2009 09:35 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love "You're running and you're running and you're running away.. You're running and you're running and you're running away.. You're running and you're running, but you can't run away from yourself.. Can't run away from yourself.." Bob Marley. :aflowers: It is the Thunderbolt that steers the Universe - Heraclitus
Sireen-reborn User ID: 626293 United States 04/09/2009 09:38 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love I find this ghost pops up and interesting times in my life...usually when something monumental is about to happen..... the birth of a child..the ghost creeps in and you wonder 'what if' Or, in my case, a marriage....the ghost pops in, not as a 'what if' but as mere reflection on that person's influence in your life and the part they played to get me here... and of course, growing older.....the nostalgia of past loves REALLY bites into you then. But none of these are an indication that you're still in love or hung up on that person...it's more of an acknowledgment to the importance they played in your life journey. anything after 'but' is bullshit! [link to www.myspace.com] "Once you open your mind to the possibility of conspiracy, you then see conspiracy in everything." [link to deadbydecember-sireen.blogspot.com]
Anonymous Coward User ID: 653453 United States 04/09/2009 09:39 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love I had one lost love that I lost just before we even kissed. I got drunk and some slutty bartender started making out with me and took me to her house. Nothing happed - cause I was drunk but my love saw me leaving with her and she was really hurt. I think she loved me just as much. 20 years later I still wonder what happened to her. That was a door that was open and then through my stupidity it closed. Probably my first inclination that I had an alcohol problem. What can you do? Just have to move on and forgive yourself and learn and grow. They say that what causes you great pain is where your great lessons are. I sure hope that woman is happy now and I wish I could clarify what happened and let her know how much I loved her so that the memory of that time was not so painful.
Aileana (OP) User ID: 561062 United States 04/09/2009 09:50 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love thanks celtic thats true sireen but only for the people that have grieved and got past the pain. for others its very new and they are trying to get through each stage with the ghost right at their side, always.
Aileana (OP) User ID: 561062 United States 04/09/2009 09:51 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Just have to move on and forgive yourself and learn and grow. They say that what causes you great pain is where your great lessons are. I sure hope that woman is happy now and I wish I could clarify what happened and let her know how much I loved her so that the memory of that time was not so painful. Quoting: Anonymous Coward 653453 i couldn't have said it better, learn and grow
goddess ISIS User ID: 465388 Indonesia 04/09/2009 10:02 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love time helps - but still get random flashes... posted this a year ago, just after it happened. Saturday, April 12, 2008 hole in my heart after searching for years, I found my perfect mate .... - we had everything in common..... but she wasn't ready..... maybe some time in the future she will be....... but I'll probably have moved on.... I feel sad for us both..... I wish with all my heart it could be different.... but wishes only come true in movies.... as time goes forward the hole in my heart will grow smaller.... but it will never be completely gone. Quoting: DanG 585146 very beautiful post
Anonymous Coward User ID: 625711 United States 04/09/2009 10:03 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love yeah, sigh, I'm in the thick of it right now, just barely making it.... ** hang in there AC, you are not alone. and dont underestimate the power of a really good cry Quoting: Aileana** thanks
Anonymous Coward User ID: 653224 United States 04/09/2009 10:04 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Yes....enjoy life. Maybe he did you a favor? Just when you think life sucks something will happen one day that will change everything. This could be the day!!! :-) i sure hope so AC, thank you for your kindness Quoting: Aileana You're welcome!!! I am known in here but sometimes I just post as AC. :-)
Anonymous Coward User ID: 653224 United States 04/09/2009 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love We all have those ghosts. Would you want it any other way? I guess there have been some people who have never loved or been loved.
goddess ISIS User ID: 465388 Indonesia 04/09/2009 10:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love I find this ghost pops up and interesting times in my life...usually when something monumental is about to happen..... the birth of a child..the ghost creeps in and you wonder 'what if' Or, in my case, a marriage....the ghost pops in, not as a 'what if' but as mere reflection on that person's influence in your life and the part they played to get me here... and of course, growing older.....the nostalgia of past loves REALLY bites into you then. But none of these are an indication that you're still in love or hung up on that person...it's more of an acknowledgment to the importance they played in your life journey. Quoting: Sireen-reborn Exactly, I know what you mean. The ghosts appear on the most unexpected moments..sometimes when I am happy..sometimes when I hear a certain song.. I am content with my life now, I find my happiness..yes but there are some ghosts that make me wonder..and the "what ifs" pop on my mind..but looking back...I have no regrets..and what I have now..I am glad for what I have. I guess that is a major help. I am finally at peace with these memories. I avoided the ghosts for quite some time.
Aileana (OP) User ID: 561062 United States 04/09/2009 10:09 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Yes....enjoy life. Maybe he did you a favor? Just when you think life sucks something will happen one day that will change everything. This could be the day!!! :-) i sure hope so AC, thank you for your kindness You're welcome!!! I am known in here but sometimes I just post as AC. :-) Quoting: Anonymous Coward 653224 sometimes a name isn't needed, just the kindest of words
AsperGirl User ID: 637830 United States 04/09/2009 10:11 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Great post, and one that can be helpful around here.
Aileana (OP) User ID: 561062 United States 04/09/2009 10:12 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love We all have those ghosts. Would you want it any other way? I guess there have been some people who have never loved or been loved. Quoting: Anonymous Coward 653224 oh no!! i would never have it any other way. to have loved and been loved is a rare gift. its the sadness when its lost. the purpose of this thread is not to push regret but to share something that i found online that helped me in the hopes it will help at least one other.
Anonymous Coward User ID: 653224 United States 04/09/2009 10:15 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love AND...sometimes things are better in our minds than in real life. Imagine that that lost love could have had shortcomings...or mental problems...or ended up treating you badly and on and on. Sometimes that love for a time is the best and they are gone before they have a chance to hurt YOU. Maybe that's some consolation.
Anonymous Coward User ID: 653224 United States 04/09/2009 10:17 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation	Re: Burying the ghost of lost love Yes....enjoy life. Maybe he did you a favor? Just when you think life sucks something will happen one day that will change everything. This could be the day!!! :-) i sure hope so AC, thank you for your kindness You're welcome!!! I am known in here but sometimes I just post as AC. :-) sometimes a name isn't needed, just the kindest of words Quoting: Aileana :-)
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Burying the ghost of lost love