My husband makes promises to me, then doesn't keep them. How do I get him to stop?

Reward him with BJ's

I have had many long talks with him about this. He doesn't drink at all.

What is his response? That is what you have to determine your choice in the matter, what he says about the promise, not anything we say here. If you are looking for sympathy, you got some, and you got the opposite as well. But anyway, you did get quite a bit of attention. Have fun.

I"m with you Sombra on all that you said. ( the sign is for us both to carry - to point at the poster you replyed to.)

I dated 2 guys that were cronic liers /w all kind of broken promises. One was drug addicted the other an alcoholic. Need I say more.....I sent them on their way - it was'nt worth the energy it took to argue.

Pathetic.

Hang signs all around the house that say "Be Impecable With Your Word". Put the same notes every where he goes - refrigerator, car, toilet lid, remote control, wallet.

Talk about torture... this will turn hubby into a wife beater, if he is the kind of husband worth keeping.

Maybe you´re not good in bed anymore. try anal next time.

Likely that this guy WILL NOT change without a miracle (seriously stone cold miracle). It's not about a ring. It's a character flaw. One other poster had it right - it's a form of lying.

So you just need to decide how it is you'll live with a liar.

I would suggest a combination of some of the approaches suggested, an omission of others and an addition of 1.

Everyone has character flaws - YOU TOO. Start examining yourself and your obligation to minister to HIM. What does HE like - rather than focussing on yourself, what is it that you can do for him. This is not to say that your needs are unimportant at all. He's a jerk for lying and not keeping promises. It's just to make sure that YOU are not being a jerk as well. I don't believe in withholding sex, food, laundry or love. It's wrong and it makes you a lesser person. I promise, it will just feed the bad feelings and drive you further apart - not closer together.

1. Look for ways to bless him. Compliment (sincerely) the things he does right and well - there must be some, or you wouldn't have married him. Make a big deal - go out of your way. And take care of yourself. Men are visually stimulated. If you need to shape up - work on it. Get excited about being someone he can be excited about.

2. Forget the ring - get your own. Water under the bridge. Next time he makes a promise that excites you, say, "Oh wow! That would be wonderful! But honestly, honey, I'll believe it when I see it, because your track record on promises leaves a bit to be desired." and flash your new ring at him, then give him a hug. And don't believe him, because he usually lies.

3. Quit griping about his nature and don't nag him about it. He is what he is. Love him - you married him...I'm sure you had a reason.

I'll bet if you use this approach consistently, you guys will get closer together, and he just MIGHT start paying attention to you more.

Yea! Exactly. That's sick. Almost like a mother-child relationship. DO NOT DO THIS.

If he's a man, he'll resent it and you'll disgust him. If he's a wimp, then, congratulations....you just assumed the role of his mother. You'll have a long miserable life together.

Again - if you have had many long talks - this is his nature. It is the way he is - you're not fixing to change it. It's a character flaw.

The man is 50. If he changes, it will take a miracle, and that won't come from YOU...but from him seeing God.

I have tried to teach him by example - treating him well, fixing his favorite foods, ALWAYS keeping my word.

That didn't work.

I am attractive. I went from a size 9 to a size 12. That's why my old wedding band no longer fit.

I know I can only change myself and the way I interact with him. I no longer want to have anger or disappointment with him. He is basically a good man, but very self-centered.

I did end up buying another plain gold band. It now represents my committment to myself - to treat myself well, to take care of my own needs. It's a GOOD thing. I did tell him what the ring represents and that when i look at it, I don't think of him at all.

He didn't like that, and "promised" to always keep his promises from now on. Will he? There's always hope.

Leave your vibrator on his pillow... after every use.

Ignore him, discount his opinion, and pay no attention to his rants...if of course YOU are for real that is and not a paid troll.

Seems to me men go thru phases.

One phase = they don't really listen to you, yet pretend they do. They will often tell you what you want to hear during this phase - without it really registering in their brains. They often think women just talk too damn much. ie- selective listening.

If it's any consolation my hubby of 18 years has this same character flaw.

He makes promises to everyone, friends, family, me, our children, that he cannot keep.

It's so dumb... I think it's because of a strong desire to be liked or say what another wants to hear.

The shame is lack of follow through on promises leads to lack of trust so I find many times I don't believe what he is saying and this in turn is frustrating to him.

We're working it out by me putting the cards on the table when he 'promises' something to me or the kids. I insist he look me in the eye and tell me whether he really means it or if he's just spewing hot air.

He gets defensive and the triggers start flaring but as the years progress we both become better people and negative patterns become less of an issue.

Since you KNOW what he won't do, whenever he promises to do something, go do it yourself, then THANK him profusely for doing it.

He MAY just understand and start doing things.

OR he may get get tired of listening to you and leave.


.

Codependency often occurs in long term relationships.

More often than not one member of that relationship will turn to making 'pleasing sounds' in order to keep the mate happy out of fear of rejection, fear of fights, what ever.

Often Codependency results in 'broken promises' or in deep seated resentments or in the two individuals feeding the problem.

While your feelings are valid I have to wonder what your reaction was/is in this cases. Do you feed his need to be codependent by screaming, fighting, nagging or making the still waters turn into white caps of storm intensity?

If your relationship is relatively calm all the time punctuated by infrequent fights, screaming matches or the like it is very possible that those periods of calm are strengthening codependent behaviors.

After all he might see his making promises is a way to sooth you and make things 'happy' and peaceful around the house because there are periods of peace following a promise.

Relationships change over time, one becomes more dominate, the other more submissive, the older the couple gets the more willing they are to make promises and what not in order to keep the relationship together. Bandaging the wound when suture and deep therapy is needed is often used, leading to the wound getting worse, not better, over time.

I would strongly suggest couple's counseling for the two of you.

Wise. It's difficult to find a GOOD counselor. But this is good advice, and the assessment rings true as well.

The easiest way....is to stop the fucking naggging

Go buy the ring you want and put it on his credit card and then thank him for it.

Or pick one out and take him to the store and say this is the ring I want and you can pay for it now.

Otherwise, forget it.

If the worst thing he does is forget a stupid promise about a ring to you, consider yourself lucky.

A ring is a waste of money in these trying times. Your better off going out to dinner. Hopefully he buys you flowers every now and then.

If he doesn't, your love is lost. If you have children, maybe the money is better spent on them.

Sometimes you need a catalyst - maybe if you bought him something, he would buy you something in return.

You should first STOP manipulating your husband into making promises about all kinds of things he's uncomfortable with. If the problem still persists, THEN you may have an actual problem.

The ring thing is just an example of a thing that a normal healthy male fails to see the importance of. The best you can hope for, is that he learns to see that it's important to YOU, and since you're important to him, that makes it important to him as well.

Likewise, YOU will have to learn to respect the fact men aren't women. You don't have to understand how he thinks, you just have to cut some slack when he fails to act as you would have done. The reason is 99 times out of 100 just that he's a man. And you DID want a man after all, did you not? Well, then you'll have to learn to appreciate the strange beast you ended up with.

You'd be surprised if you knew how much he already does for you. Not the things you'd like perhaps, and perhaps many things you couldn't care less about either way. But he does them for you anyway. Give some credit for his efforts. He IS trying!

The same goes the other way around. You probably do all kinds of useless things to please him that he never even notices, but fail to do things he would really appreciate. What would that be? Well, if you're completely out of ideas, worshipping his penis is never wrong!

Learn to live with the difference between the sexes, both of you.

Harsh words, but therein lies the salvation of your relationship!

lol

. .

I agree. He is who he is.

You have now learned that you cannot trust him to do what he says he will do.
That's unfortunate, because the basis of Love is Respect ... when respect goes out the window, love generally goes out with it.

You may choose to stay in the relationship for security and/or companionship ... or dissolve the relationship and look for something better - which may or may not happen.

I would also guess that the man is a control-freak, and this is one of the ways in which he attempts to establish control over you.

imho

stop acting like a 12 yo child. get your ring enlarged, any jeweler can do it. it's your responsilibilty.

do you nag so much he makes promises just to shut you up? my rings too small, i have no clothes, you never take me anywhere, i'm bored !!!!

it's not his job to fulfill your every wish. grow up.

A lot of you seem to be missing the point here, it's not about material things, or about her forcing him into promises he won't keep. This is about him making promises to her and then failing to follow through. Regardless of whether it's as simple as a new ring, or as complex as picking up a child after school, every time he makes a promise he doesn't keep, it makes her want to trust him less, to pull away from him, The bottom line is, if she can't trust his word on even just a new ring, then what can she trust him on?

I think you should have your hubby start his own thread...

"I make promises to my wife and never keep them, when will she ever learn??"

To me Promises are just that "a promise". I never promise, however if I tell you I will do something you can count on it happening.

Are you "High Maintenance"?? Can you have the ring sized??
Did he give you the ring??
I would be offended if you wanted another. If you know he breaks promises why do you fall for it??

Last Edited by Czarcasym on 05/17/2009 04:51 PM

If he promised you a beating would you be upset if he broke it?

If he promised to pee all over the toilet seat and didn't do it would you be upset?

If he promised to spend his paycheck at the casino but then didn't, would that bother you?