Dealing With People Who Make You Feel Like A Failure

What a naricissist attempts to do, is to bring down the self-worth of another. If they can make someone feel insecure, inferior they have control and power. Its a head game, and its effective, even in those with high self worth.

If you love a person, you want their approval. If they subtle and manipulatively say things that "dig" at you, at first, you don't see it as "abuse." You then focus on what they don't like, and seek their approval.

Eventually, you realize that this person makes you feel like shit. All they do is point out the negatives, make little digs that nip at your emotions, and never counter that with any positive, complimentary words.

When you finally catch onto the game, you are really hurt and fucking pissed. This is a normal reaction to abnormal behavior.

However, the trick is in eventually seeing it. You two are arguing yet both are correct. If someone's self-esteem is already low and insecure to begin with, they feed into the narcissist's bullshit and thus become the doormat. They are still being a victim, yet, if they felt good about themselves, they'd eventually see thru the narcissist's head games and manipulation, and then would be raging and want revenge.

However, in the end-the best is to just call them on their shit and walk away. It is not the best thing to victimize the victim further by suggesting if their self esteem was higher, that person would have no power over them. At the same time, you can break away and still learn.

I personally dealt with a narc longer than I "should" of. It was hard for me to wrap my mind around loving a sociopath. But afterwards, I did learn a great deal, and I did learn that if I hadn't wanted his approval and love so much-and if I didn't ignore the many red flags, it wouldn't of lasted as long as it did, and I wouldn't of gotten as hurt.

That said, living well is the best revenge. He taught me alot and no one will be able to do that to me again, no matter how strong the feelings I, I won't ignore the signs because of wishful thinking.

What I previously said works in the situation you listed...



That wasn't my point. No one can make anyone else feel anything. We are all responsible for our own feelings...

You are still making ad hominem attacks? Why? (Those were rhetorical questions...)

Ironically enough, you are choosing to take this personally. You don't have to you know? ;)



Person A (the person calling someone a failure/loser) is trying to provoke something within Person B, who takes the mental attack personally. Person B had to choose to internalize what Person A said and believe what Person A said is true in order to hold onto it and let it hurt him/her.

Your last post, quoted above, was not very lucid. You need to be more explicit in future posts if you want me to extrapolate the exact meaning from your posts...

There is nothing "wrong" per se, it is simply a matter of whether or not you want to be more present in this moment or lost in your self instead. Would you rather be a victim of your past, or let go of the past and be here now?

It doesn't matter to me what you choose to do; I'm simply sharing what I have found to be true.

If you were referring to me; I wasn't suggesting someone should stay in a bad situation with someone...

Last Edited by QueueCumber on 06/14/2009 09:44 PM

BTW, the DSM replaced the term sociopath with antisocial personality disorder. Just an FYI.

Last Edited by QueueCumber on 06/14/2009 09:56 PM

Im aware of the fact that psycopathy/sociopathy is not considered to be the correct DSM terms. However, the traits of a sociopathy are often similar to those of narcissistic personality disorder.

For the record, I was not referring to you. Like a narcissist, not everyone on this thread is directly targeting you, though I see why you may think so, since its been nothing but bantering between you and another poster. What I was suggesting was you were both RIGHT. But instead, you have chosen to focus on the point in which I said that the victim should not be further victimized. Your posts DO suggest that very thing. It does no one who has been a victim of emotional abuse any good, to further blame themselves by thinking that if they hadn't had low self-esteem, or worse, the "co-dependency" trap- then the narcissist may have been better to them. No, a narcissist treats all the people who they can treat that way, the same. Those with lower self esteems CAN be more vunerable to STAYING in a situation, thus allowing further abuse, however, the other poster's points are equally as valid-a narcissist SUCKS, its not the fault of someone who cared, trust and loved them to have fallen prey to the manipulation, and to say "well, I should've known better", thus excusing the narcissist is bullshit. You can move on and learn and forgive-but not as long as you are dealing with the narcissist.

No one has the ability to make us feel like failures-permanantly. But plenty of people do have the ability to make us feel like crap while we interact with them, and that is the ABUSERS fault. Its called mental and emotional abuse. Look that up in your DSM-IV, to be quite correct.

The initial reaction is to run from these people. And eventually, if the relationship continues to be abusive, is a good idea.

But someone else will soon take their place because there are mean-spirited people everywhere and they can smell someone with low self-esteem. They seek them out to try to bolster their own false self-esteem.

So what has worked for me, and it's no quick fix, is to start to learn to believe your own truths more than you believe anyone elses's.

In order to do that you need to practice not only talking your truth but also walking it.

Self-esteem comes from not only thinking you are a worthy person but also becoming worthy, by your own definition, of the word through action.

Go for it!

One more thing.

Remove your focus on the other and replace it on what you are doing. Otherwise your energy will be sapped.

I just realized that I have been working for a Narccisit for 5 years now! This short video sure opened my eyes!

Psychopathic is still in use... It is a greater level of APD.

Unfortunately, you missed my point completely if that was you interpretation of what I said. Not by inches, but by miles...

^ What he said (my phone was signed off...)

I've found that to be true in my own life as well. Estimable acts build
self-esteem.

I don't see the point of beating a dead narcisist... You can refer to my previous posts if you want to see my future responses.

As an aside. It sounds like you were referring to me as someone with APD (e.g., "like a narcissist"), unless your grammar was just bad. For the record, I am not suffering with APD.

Likewise what you stated about the DSM IV is not true either. The DSM IV is a diagnostic manual. Nothing more, nothing less. It does not assign blame; it gives diagnostic criteria.

Last Edited by QueueCumber on 06/15/2009 07:29 AM

I work for a lady that has done this to me for the past year ....I should say since she has become supervisor.
It has been hell and I am pretty sure I posted something about this here.
She got called on something she did wrong in the school that I work in and has blamed me ever since. Has made my life at work holy hell. To further the problem I hurt myself at work and it has been awful.
Here is the kicker....her boss beleives everything she tells her and has made my siuation even worse. I will be leaving this shit hole right after my surgery....no one stays at this place because of her and her little mental problem.

Being responsible for your own feelings is not blaming yourself; it is working on yourself. I've never once condoned someone beating him/herself up, which is what your post says AC 683845. You are reading something in my posts that simply isn't there. By your own admission, you projected it into what I said by reading an "implied" or "suggested" meaning into my posts.

Funny enough, your original post shares exactly what I was saying. That you can't control the other person, but you can control yourself...

Last Edited by QueueCumber on 06/15/2009 08:16 AM

The light triggers the darkness and the darkness triggers the light until there is no more darkness left. The light of Jesus Christ had the same impact; the Jewish priests were triggering all over the place.



No, those that take responsibility for self healing are on there way home to God.



No it means it is showing them that they have something inside to heal and remove from their memory banks that is being triggered. I recommend a book to them called 'The Homecoming' by John Bradshaw about healing the inner child. There is no redemption without redemption of the divine child.



The medical profession love to typecast people with labels. If a person feels hurt then they can seek within for the reasons why. As the saying goes "If it hurts it is not love". That means that the person feeling the feeling has not move from being to becoming divine love in manifestation on the earth plane once more.

Lotus

Last Edited by Lotus Feet on 06/15/2009 09:44 AM

Yes, living well IS the best revenge, the ONLY revenge we can take against the power elite who are STILL covering up the presence of Planet X!

Please DO NOT take revenge against these people. They are PATHETIC losers who only THINK they are better than us, the common man. The Zeta have already described what is likely to happen to these people and their underground bunkers and above-ground estates: They will be taken over by their BlackWater and other scumbag people hired to protect them. We need do nothing!

NEVER resist evil with evil. When you do, you are no better than they are.

Also realize that many service to self people are not happy just being more wealthy, not working hard like most of us for a living, etc. etc. NO! That is not enough for them. They must put you down so they feel even better about themselves. They will cut off your head so they feel taller themselves. PATHETIC.

The meek are about to inherit the earth. It is not long now.

Thank you for this, OP. Very helpful.

I got involved with one a month or so ago, even moved in with him, VERY STUPIDLY on my part.

Fortunately, I kept my own place, so when he kicked me out of his for not agreeing with him, I had somewhere to go back to.

I didn't have a better name for him until your post than ASSHOLE. Now I can very happily and more kindly call him NARCISSIST.

Thanks.

Go, Lotus. Go, Lotus.

Don't listen to the haters. But to love them you do have to listen.

Thank you for always being loving. Even when it is hard.

I like the perspective of talking about healing rather than evil.

I used to believe there were truly no "evil" people in this world, only broken ones. I am no longer so certain of that. But it's an issue not easily discussed in a forum. And I'll pass on that one.

I think the key for an individual is a certain amount of humility. That is learning to have a matter-of-fact and balanced view of ones weaknessess and one's strengths and learning to lessen the one and build on the other.

We've been raised to believe that our inadequacies are cause for shame and I think that's where the problem lies for many. We think we need to hide our weaknessess. But in trying to hide them we never are able to own them and work on them.

When some hear, "You are defensive." they hear some kind of blame being cast because they haven't yet been able to understand that there is no blame involved. And, of course, it does matter on how the information is given.

That's why, while I appreciate psychiatric labels as a handy-dandy method of conveying a great deal of information in a single word, one must be careful to not assign a value judgement to the label.

There are degrees of illness for all of us and we are not necessarily stuck there. Knowing the truth about ourselves is the beginning. And recognizing that a person seeking health is not in stasis.

We are all either moving toward the light or the darkness.

I would work on yourself more if everyone is misunderstanding you.

smirk..

Not YOU of course, the universal YOU FWIW.

Last Edited by AlreadyBuggedOut on 06/15/2009 11:06 AM

Give 'em a proverbial, swift kick to the grundel.

A naricissist is painful because they do not have the common decency to be compassionate. One usually ends up defending themselves instead of receiving useful advice. A narcissist never gets it quite right, they are offensive because they think they are right over your own objections. They pretend they know humanity and by extension every single individual in it. That is what is triggered. Nothing more needs to be worked on, because when confronted with a narcissist a normal person's hurt raises a suspicion that the antoganist couldnt be correct. It isnt a subject about the victim, it is and always will be about the narcissist.

I am quite aware why you chime in as you do. Because the OP says "People Who Make You Feel Like A Failure". But when reading that he/she is dealing with a narcissist, it is clear to me that the person doesnt actually "feel" like a failure, but they are being told they are a failure by someone they put their trust in. That is quite a different matter, and therefore needs a different diagnosis.

I also know you and people like you dont recognize different approaches but perceive the human condition as needing one solution and no other...

For that at least you resemble the narcissist. An outwardly charming person, but who never listens to the particulars and insists on a one size fits all solution for everyone...

Last Edited by AlreadyBuggedOut on 06/15/2009 11:24 AM

Beautifully said and written. Hear, hear!

No offense, but you display more elements of NPD than she does. She displays more elements of Schizotypal Personality Disorder if you ask me. Not that either of you can be said to completely fit those categories from simple online interactions...

lol. Actually my offline personality is very compassionate and a hell of good listener, and I rarely make personal judgements. Funny what the internet lets loose...

But I know the narcissist pretty well, and have been dealing with a couple for a few years in real face to face life.

I have no pity for them...

But thanks for your observation.,,.,

So you aren't a narcissist, you just play one on the Internet?

I have also dealt on a personal level with the New Ager movement since the 80's and have concluded their solution for a narcissist society is: "if you cant beat them, join them"...

Last Edited by AlreadyBuggedOut on 06/15/2009 12:55 PM

I have never been told I am one. But you have a right to your opinion. But in this thread I have been interacting with a certain personality type, so I adjust accordingly...

As people have mentioned there are degrees of personality types, and we may all have a little bit of everything in all of us...

But I think I am quite clear that there is a certain breed that lacks compassion and that gains power and status by demeaning others. And as has been said they can be quite charming and attractive, and they can easily gain your trust and confidence and love and loyalty. That is why they can be debilitating to the spirit. I have offered advice to the OP. But maybe under his circumstance he can find solice by following others: "looking within" and "finding his own faults" to deal with his/her particular situation. But dont tell the nartcissist...

Last Edited by AlreadyBuggedOut on 06/15/2009 01:07 PM