Ever since he became the presumptive candidate for the Presidency, Barack Obama has been dogged by rumors that he was not born in Hawaii, but in Kenya. Attempts to quash the rumor by putting a copy of his birth certificate online have not stopped his critics, most of whom consider it to be a forgery.
However, a new group of theorists claim that the President wasn't just born outside of America, but outside of Earth's orbit. The "Earthers," as they are known, say they have tentative proof that Barack Obama is an alien from outer space, sent to destroy the country from within for sinister but unguessable purposes.
However, that's just about all that they agree on.
Phil Burgle is one of many spokesmen for the "Earthers." A successful lawyer and Democratic activist who sat on Hillary Clinton's staff during her run for President, he's spent almost all his time since his election filing lawsuit after lawsuit to have Obama removed from office.
"I first became aware that something sinister was going on when Mrs. Clinton failed to get the nomination," Burgle explained while juggling four different fund-raising calls at once: "I mean, she's smart, she's capable, she's a woman, she's a Democrat, what's not to love? But then, almost as if on cue, this Black guy shows up and suddenly the media swarms all over him. And that's just a little too nearly choreographed for my liking.
"So, since it's been proven that aliens control about 9/10s of the MSM... well, you've got your smoking gun right there, don't you? I'm 100% sure of it."
Surprisingly, Burgle is less sure about where Obama may have come from, dismissing it as a "minor detail." When pressed further on the point, he threatened to sue for harassment.
In addition to his legal work (320 cases filed, all dismissed with prejudice), Burgle is seeking funds for a road sign demanding President Obama publicly submit a DNA sample for species verification. It will be placed outside the freeway in Hoboken, NJ, provided he can secure the thousands needed to rent the space, which normally hosts an ad for Homeopathic Hair Removal.
So far Burgle's received $457.34, a number of obscene letters and what may have been a frog in a plastic bag.
Another "Earther" is Donald Icky, whose theories that the entire world has been under the scaly claws of half-man, half-reptile and half-koala bear "Kreptoids" has made him the second best-known laughing stock in recent history, and the most-published.
In fact, he claims to have been the first "Earther," as he has been sounding the alarm for years about a large number of alien infiltrators. Icky claims that every royal family that ever existed, most religious figures and politicians, all tax collectors, mail carriers and television personalities, and such "cultural oddities" as J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, Boz Scaggs and Ronald McDonald are all Kreptoids.
"Obama is just a further step in the overall plan, which goes both backwards and forwards in dream-time," Icky explained while adjusting his tin-foil underwear, worn so the Kreptoids can't read his mind: "You see, the ancient evil of the divided universe, split by the evil god JHVH, is such that there are three threads of evil woven throughout our world, which is divided into matter plus and matter minus, and is all a dream construct anyway, and they are past present and future, and involve time travel, plane walking, phase shifting and numerous other techniques, so that at any given moment, anywhere in time and space, something bad is happening and it's the Kreptoids doing it, and it's all happening now, and there's nothing we can do about it, but we have to know it's happening so we can escape it, thus becoming Kreptoids ourselves, simply by waking up from that dream.
"It's all in my new book, "The Secret," which is not to be confused with the other two books called "The Secret," which were preemptively planted earlier in the dreamtimeline by Kreptoids to keep people from reading my own, better, realer work."
In spite of his admittedly "way out there" perspective, Icky has found a resurgence of fans amongst the paranoid, Obama-hating far Left, who gleefully cherry-pick his infamous live rants for proof for their theories about a pre-programmed social and economic collapse, leading to 1984-like conditions. They tend to not read his books, though, as they're too crazy even for them.
"I don't need to research things any more than I already have in order to see that Mr. Icky has his finger spot on where it needs to be," says Jerry Girl, a self-proclaimed Truther who finds Icky's theories on 9/11 "inescapable."
"It doesn't matter if his other views are a little weird, any more than it matters that numerous Truther sources are also holocaust deniers. Facts speak for themselves!"
And then there's veteran conspiracy researcher Tim Foil, who claims that both Burgle and Icky are "alien communist shills" distracting the masses from the truth.
"It's the same psy-op as the people who claim that Obama was born in Kenya," he explained between legal consultations regarding the lawsuit over his last investigation: "You give people just enough truth to think they're onto something, and then they'll gladly pull the wool over their own eyes because they think they're being revolutionary. And they're the worst counter-revolutionaries of all."
According to Mr. Foil, Obama is most likely a replacement: a creature created from a human abducted by creatures from Zeta Reticuli XIX, who is then filled with alien technology and then sent to Earth to infiltrate and destroy from within. In times past, plans put into motion by President Reagan kept the Reticulons from gaining more than a toe-hold in this fashion. However, with the last vestiges of Reaganesque power having been destroyed by George W. Bush's "inept bungling worthy of treason charges," more replacements than ever before are infiltrating, and creating more.
"I have no doubt that, unless the public is rapidly educated as to the true nature of the threat we face, we will be facing a crisis ten times worse than the one Ronald Reagan had to deal with when he took over from that quisling Alien lover Carter. So we need to raise as much awareness as we can, without sounding like total kooks.
"I recommend a squad of Earthers picket the White House every day, preferably dressed like aliens, and demand immediate action on this issue."
However, unlike Burgle, Foil believes a DNA test would be worthless at this point, given that the Reticulons tend to wrap their agents in human skin. The surest way to find out if Obama is an alien would be to check his colon for the metal "space crickets" the aliens use as technology "" preferably with the media watching to assure total transparency.
"However, if you think the President of the United States is going to sit still for a semi-public proctological exam, you're crazy."
While the Earthers' contentious debate has yet to truly filter into the MSM, or even the blogosphere, the notion that Obama is not of this world has had some notable consequences.
For example, Sgt. Jay G. Kuttenrun, of Chickenhawk, MO, is currently fighting deployment to Afghanistan by claiming that Obama was born off-planet, and is therefore not a legitimate Commander In Chief, and unable to deploy anyone anywhere they do not wish to go.
Kuttenrun's previous attempts to avoid deployment to that war zone included transvestism, selective amnesia, and having public relations with his rifle, "Betsy."
(This article is a work of SATIRE and should not be taken seriously. Of course, neither should the Birthers.)