My son is a total pothead loser slacker, what should I do?

Have you ever considered that your son might be the high achiever you wished him to be if you raised him in a less authoritarian manner?

Your son doesn't want to join the military because that would please you. He uses drugs because you are anti-drug. He didn't try to get into a good college because that was a goal you had for him. See the pattern here? Your son is getting back at you for bossing him around all those years. He is doing everything against your wishes. He wants to displease you, even if in doing so is detrimental to himself.

You should've raised him better. His failures are a reflection on you.

Ok Daddy-o....I'm going to give you a straight up shot at truth, just because I'm bored. I'll stay civil and my replies depend on you doing the same.

Got a decade on your son.

Got a lot more life experience, is the trick horse in this show. Military? Check. Video games? Check...except WAY less, and mine are Battlefield or Gran Turismo. (War/Racing)

PC? Check, 'cept I've got about 7 years job experience, and been working PRODUCTIVELY on PC's since I had a 64 at about 12 or so I believe. Call me old school. I can make a computer do virtually anything except get me a sandwich.
You know why? Because "Dad" DARED me to mess with video games on the computer, said that was for the nintendo, which I got as my Christmas present, the year AFTER they came out, which was wonderful to me, I wasn't that child who wanted/got anything, etc. My dad WORKED for a living, and when I say work I mean I've watched the man drive 2hrs home from a fishing trip, laid over on the armrest because he couldn't sit up straight, after his back randomly locked up on him while shaving, like it has for the last 20 years.

He works every day of his life, now. He's not in the mines, he's a salesman, but at least he earned it. Drives 1000 miles a week, or more, I'd assume.

When I came home from the military on leave the first time, I realized quite quickly I could never live with my parents again. They were very old fashioned baptists, and in my parts, those types treat their kids who are 25 like they are 15. I had gotten out in the world and had my taste of being a man, and 'my house my rules' wasn't gonna cut it for me anymore when it meant being home on fri/sat night by 9pm.....after working from the time I was 16, til present. I had earned my trust and my freedom, in my mind. There were those times when I truly felt I was wiser than my father. Now, I realize I have had the luxury of gaining a lot more intelligence in fields that were unneccessary to my father's survival thru his life, but not yet a wiser man.

The guy that posted that your son has no responsibilities is dead on.
The weed, while YES, illegal, is NOT the worst thing in the world. I had a friend of my fathers come to me asking what he should do about his oxy addicted kid, who went to college, had anything he wanted, was given cars/extreme freedom, compare to me, who paid for his first car, ....his first house....his next 4 or 5 cars....his first ex wife...(with his credit).....you get the picture here.
He DOES need to have better sense , and stay out of jail. There is no excuse for that. Gotta make good choices.

He DOES have a job, you said. He's lucky....wait til he's older and has tasted a better job, then gets laid off/scaled back, has to cut down. Have YOU ever been through that?
Your son's hobbies, are good. at least he excercises. My favorite thing in the world to do is drag race. Has cost me a lot of money in tickets and car parts, and time. But that's what I liked to do...and I paid for it.
(can you see I'm all about an individual's governance while adhering to a very reasonable and fair set of guidelines?)

Wrecking cars means someone needs to teach the boy how to drive properly.
Drive sober, or no drive car.

Maybe you could talk him into some computer courses? Hell, spend some time with him man, ask him what he wants to do...I bet talk peacefully ranks up there on the list..

Man, your son lives in an ugly world, it isn't his fault. You need to be on HIS side too. Don't throw him out in teh world, but introduce him reasonably and civily to some responsibility. Drop the walls, dad. All a son wants is a friend. Trust me.

I didnt "steal yer dimes" you stole the money out of my piggy bank every time you needed gas money you pathological liar, I took some of them back. Like the time you took my new Mountain bike, bent the disk brake in the back and then when your friends called an asked whee you were, you told them on the phone "my dad won't let me ride MY (my? wtf?) bike....

I thought at first maybe he was depressed. Most twenty year olds would have girls at the top of the list, not the bottom. (unless he is gay?) But it sounds like this video game addiction might be a really big problem. ..especialy if he is lying about it.
I was a straight A+ student until I got to unversity. I got exposed to the way the world worked, and I though: why bother. Then I became a "slacker". But I lived on my own and learned to not spend every cent that I made.
I am quite a bit older now, but it took me awhile to find my 'direction'.
Living on my own helped. Volunteering, and seeing others less fortunate, helped. Taking responsibility for my own life helped. Being in nature, and realizing what a better high that was, than any thc-induced high was, helped.
You can either let him stay at home, and encourage him to volunteer, to get outdoors, to get excited about life again. (And in the process have a hand in how he does it.) Or you can kick him out, and make him do it himself, But then you will have no control over how he lives his life.
I say make him move out. He will start taking responsibility. And you will learn to let go, and become less controlling and attached.
Good luck.

OP....My son was like yours.....we sent him to a military school at 15 as he refused to attend our local high school and was failing in all classes......had him escorted to a therapy boarding school at 16 after he was kicked out of the military school. He graduated and then went to college but disappeared after 3 weeks. 2 months later he showed up and we let him move into a guest room in our house...not his room! Well, that didn't work either....we then tried community college for several semesters which also didn't work. My husband was ready to kill him. I forbade my husband to talk to him because his fathers disapproval of him made things worse....he was stoned all the time. We had so many car wrecks and tickets with this kid you cannot believe. I just knew I would wake up one day and he would be dead. The tensions got so bad that my son met a girl in another town, moved there and married her within 3 mo.without even telling us when he was 20.

She definitely had some issues herself, but was able to get him to go to work at a min wage job and to go to school. He asked us for $help and we said ok as long as you go to school. He got a bachelors degree, a divorce, and now is on his own getting a masters degree in another state and working as a T.A. at that college. He is 25 now. I never believed in my wildest dreams that this would happen. Unbelievable what it takes to get through to these kids.

Just have faith and let them know you love him with all your heart....that is what they need. In this economy and current US political situation....I would be reluctant to throw him out. See if you can hang in there a while longer....just keep your anger to yourself and let him know you love him but are at wits end as to how to help him succeed. Believe me, the anger is very destructive to your son....more than you know. It almost ruined my marriage to keep my husband from voicing (yelling) his concerns to my son. I have seen this same thing in other families too. The husband thinks the wife is a pushover....but it is his anger that is also a problem. Try to spend some time each week alone with your son and talk about good times, take him hunting, fishing, golfing or whatever. Talk about when you grew up. Take him to a movie....etc. If he says no, keep asking....eventually he'll go.

Good luck!

Seriously, that is the best you can come up with?

Thank you 737080. What's so sad about this kid and also what makes me think theres a chance is that I said some things to him that I thought for SURE would have driven him away for good. But he keeps coming back, the one weekend when I found more weed and said get out now, get your shit and leave you "fking loser pothead" I mean why would you stay when someone talks to you like that? I was worried sick for that whole weekend when we didnt know where he was.

why does a dog lick its balls?

Any thoughts about what I had to say, op?


My dad spent a whole night looking for me once, and I didn't do drugs. I got lucky. :P was at a girl's house, thought he'd understand.....nope..

Troll or not, I feel for all the families who are struggling between moms and dads and children.

I think your son will be ok, but you have to stand up for who you are too. You don't want weed in your house, then he should respect that. If he doesn't, then he needs to move out. I have kids between 22 and 30. The youngest was a bit of a problem. Finally I gave her a choice. If you live here, it is under my rules and you will either get a job or go to school. She just wanted to party and hang out at the mall with her friends. She expected me to keep her in this lifestyle, even though I was doing it rough financially at the time. One day I had enough disrespect, so I told her I was moving from the city to a small town. The only reason I was in the city in the first place was because I thought they would have a better education there. Now that she was an adult, I decided it was time to do what was good for me. She refused to come with me because =gasp= there is only one mall here.

She stayed in the city, and in less than 6 months she realized that she would end up living in a trailer park, knocked up and abused if she didn't get her act together. She is now in school and wants to get a law degree. I have never seen her so focused. She admits now, two years later that it was the best thing I ever did for myself and for her. Yeah, she hated me for the first year, but now we are closer than ever.

I had a over bearing control freak as a father, and a emotionally useless mother. I dropped outa school at 15yr and smoked pot and took drugs and did every wrong thing in the book.
My offspring is now 15yrs and is finishing school to become a paramedic, and would'nt touch drugs with a barge poll. Have faith OP - and never ever call your child a loser no matter what.

OP, I wouldn't worry so much about the weed. Really, I understand your position on it because I was raised to believe the propaganda against it just like you were...and then I tried it. It's NOTHING like they say it is. Actually, it can be quite the tool for self-discovery.

Your son definitely needs some direction in his life. This crop of high school grads are different; they see very little promise in the future you had. The life you lead is no longer realistic -- just look at the state of the economy, etc. Even if he went to University and earned a degree, etc. what could it possibly be used for?

I have two friends that have their PhDs in Particle Physics (one who actually helped do some of the math for the Large Hadron Collider for his thesis); one is unemployed and has been for a while, the other makes pennies doing research. They both are severely overqualified for anything in other fields, and are both slipping into depression over the whole fiasco. I also have a Mechanical Engineer ex-boyfriend who has been without work for well over a year. Times are tough.

If he were my son, I would make him pay rent and help out at home, but I wouldn't go after him for his weed issue unless it was chronic. Mind you, I'd much rather my child smoke weed daily than drink daily, but then, I also understand that weed and the slacker lifestyle/mentality do not always go hand-in hand.

Those Physicists and Mechanical Engineer I mentioned? They smoked weed pretty much daily throughout all of University (and two still do); they say they couldn't have made it through with out it. Why? When you're *really* stressed out, sneak one of your son's joints and try it out for yourself.

Yes I suppose theres some good in his hobby, but check it out, he's very good at BMX biking apparently, but he's 6'1 and is riding 20" bmx bikes. I'd have alot more respect for him if it was mountain biking, or road bike racing but it just seems to me another symptom of his refusal to grow up. I called it a "little boy's bike" once, pissed him off. but it is a silly dangerous hobbie, he has multiple scars and his younger brother had a head injury (jumping these bikes in the skate park) that would have cost us $20k if we didnt have insurance. He's 20 and covered by our insurance IF he has enough units in College. He doesnt right now... Not to mention he refuses to wear a helmet/pads. Mind you, this isnt a passive stroll in the park they jump these bikes and do flips on concrete berms/half pipes trying to emulate xgames stars I guess.

I threw my oldest out twice. Now he is back again and doing better. So are we.
He went off the tracks in 10th grade. We had some hard times and some harsh words.

I tried a lot of things. I pulled him out of school and sent him to a winter wilderness survival school for a month. I switched him to a charter school in a different part of town, reached by city bus, rather than school bus. I home-schooled him for half a year and made him come to work with me. Nothing sparked him.

He had to go. I was on the verge of a crack up. He learned a lot. I calmed down. He came back. The whole cycle repeated. Out he went. Learning all the time. Third times a charm. We get along like champs now. I am not worried about him. I accept that his style is different from mine.
He also quit dealing drugs, gave up being a pathological liar, quit trying to manipulate people, and grew into an all-around better person. He would be the first to defend me for what I did. He compares me favorable to the dads he saw who passively stood by while their sons went berserk.

Back when he really hated me, I used to tell him that a bad dad was better than no dad at all.

Couple more things I want to add....

My son smoke cigs and I am sure still smokes pot.

I also have a daughter who just graduate from college and was a perfect kid....she can't get a job and is home now....thinking about starting her own business. Her boyfriend is moving here this week and will probably live with us for a while.....he just graduated from college and can't find a job and CANT STAND TO LIVE AT HOME WITH HIS FATHER ANYMORE because his father is always on him. He was working at Applebee's for less than min wage and tips while trying to find a job but that wasn't good enough. He hopes to find a job in our town which is less affected by the economy......moving from NE to south central US. He will pay us rent and hopes to move out after XMAS if not before...not sure how this will go, we'll see.

By the way, my "wayward" son has multiple job offers for when he graduates with his masters and my "perfect" daughter is jealous because she can't find one.

I have no hangups about weed, be glad he isn't on speed or crack. I guess I was a hippie once, and my two oldest kids turned out straighter than a ruler. I guess no matter what, you rebel against your parents. But if OP doesn't want pot in his house, that is his right. His son needs to respect that. The son is an adult, he will do what he wants to do, but he also needs to respect other people's boundaries and understand also that mom and dad are not just mom and dad. They are two people with lives of their own. He needs to understand that the dynamic of roles has changed. He is no longer a child, and you are no longer a parent raising one. You are all adults, and he needs to get that. I don't know if that's possible as long as the child is living with his parents.

Seems your wife has something to say on the matter:

[link to www.godlikeproductions.com]

Your wife started a thread about your small penis .Sorry

ROFLMAO. Looks like OP is having some fun. Still, it is a topic that affects a lot of people today, worthy of discussion.

You could start playing Everquest.

If he doesn't automatically quit because you're playing, it will at least be a chance to talk to him about something.

omg that good

lol

Your completely full of ****. I don't believe one word of this bullcrap.

Canadian Snowboarder Retains Olympic Gold Medal After Testing Positive For Marijuana; Canadian Debate on Marijuana Decriminalization Prompted

[link to www.ndsn.org]

You bullcrap government worshiping anti-pot shills can't get away with equating pot with laziness anymore...LMAO

dude, do you have any idea how brave you have to be to attempt tricks on a goddamn bike? I quit skateboarding because I didn't have the balls. I couldn't imagine biking.

Let me fix this for you



There, that is better.

you sound like a great mother. makes me miss mine.



Last Edited by Doomorrow on 10/28/2009 03:16 AM

I think you should stop being a little bitch and recognize that your son's generation is eons above all of the pieces of shit that make up your worthless generation.

Haha. That's exactly what my generation thought about my parent's generation before we grew up. They thought the same thing about their parents.

Tell him you love him, that is the start to understanding.