What I wish Tiger Woods would have said in his "statement".

Hey...what can I tell you? My wife got a little pissed off and hit me with a golf club. I was too dizzy to drive after that but I was hell bent on getting out of there. Didn't see the fire plug in the way and crashed a 60k custom Cadillac that I got for free.

Hell of a night wasn't it?

Since then women have been coming out of the woodwork (no pun intended) telling you of all my sexual escapades. That's escapade not Escalade.

The truth of the matter is that I play golf. I sell Buicks and Nike hats and shoes and all sorts of other things. I'm worth a billion dollars and we have parties around here like you wouldn't believe. It's a hell of house that we have here and a few more in 7 different countries.

Just for the record, I wasn't the one that picked up the waitress. My wife did. She likes girls and I like to watch. They jump in the bowl like a bunch of Cheerios and I add some chocolate milk. There's also a good friend of mine named "Big Jim" that takes care of her when I'm out of town. The prince of England can do a porn star and I can't? What's up with that?
You think THAT'S something? We order whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles in 55 gallon drums. Did I mention the BILLION dollars?

You stupid people admire rock stars that collect lovers like butterflies and now you're all up my ass over my sex life? If you really just have to know, we have orgies around here that would make Caligula blush. My wife, which you have obviously noticed is so friggin' hot she makes your teeth sweat, dresses up in cute little French maid outfits when the press isn't around and does things that would give you bastards a heart attack.

It's great being me. I'm the most famous golf player ever. Which by he way, is probably one of the most boring sports ever invented. But I mastered it. Get it? Mastered? I got more green jackets than all you numbnuts put together.

Let's get this straight. I.....play...golf. And I'm damn good at it. Just because you can't possibly beat me at a really stupid game, and you can't possibly keep up with me in the bedroom, doesn't give you the right to bitch.
Did I mention the Billion dollars?

So here's the bottom line. Stay out of my bedroom and I'll stay out of yours. Meet me on the golf course and I'll kick your ass. That is ALL you need to know.