Texas Enacts Leviticus as State Law

Texas Enacts Leviticus as State Law
01-Apr-2005

Texas governor Rick Perry today signed into law the entirety of the Bible’s Book of Leviticus after it passed both houses of the legislature by more than two-thirds majorities. Meanwhile, Congressman Tom DeLay forced a mandatory kneel-down prayer meeting in the U.S. Congress to give thanks for this first enactment of Leviticus. The book is being incorporated into legislation in fourteen states nationwide, and legislatures have been racing to see who can make it law first.

Immediately after the signing, the Texas governor privately removed and then publicly burned the cotton-polyester leisure suit he had worn to the ceremony. It was replaced with an all-polyester leisure suit.

The Texas Gulf shrimp industry is being sent to Louisiana and all Red Lobster outlets in Texas have been sold to the Black Eyed Pea restaurant chain.

Shrimp, lobster and shellfish are being removed from supermarkets along with pork. Wearing his “other Stetson” as a lobbyist for the beef industry, Governor Perry explained that beef would not be considered unclean even if was not actually clean. Locusts, katydids, crickets and grasshoppers are expected to replace shrimp and lobster on the plates of Texans.

Separately, all sitting Texas juries were told to begin reading Leviticus during trials at once, and to apply appropriate biblical law in addition to established penalties. State prosecutors were ordered to drop any pending or current prosecutions of crimes not mentioned in Leviticus, and it was announced that members of duly established Christian bible churches would be required only to make restitution and sacrifice as required in the book for any crimes they may commit. All charges against Congressman DeLay, whether pending, contemplated, or simply possible, have been found to not be mentioned in Leviticus and have been proactively dropped, according to Travis Count District Attorney Ronnie Earle, who instead has indicted himself for whipping up trouble for the congressman. “God has led me to become a Republican,” Mr. Earle said.

Mandatory weekly unpleasant bird detestation sessions are scheduled to be introduced in public schools throughout the state, commencing immediately. The eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, red and black kites, ravens, owls, gulls, hawks, cormorants, ospreys, storks, herons, hoopoes and bats will be detested for half an hour per week by all schoolchildren, by cries and imprecations. Detestation will be required whether birds are present or not.

When pet dogs and cats, which walk on paws, die, their carcasses may not be touched by Texans unless required ritual cleansing takes place under police supervision the evening of the day the cadaver handling occurs.

Persons with skin diseases will be required to report to clergy for evaluation prior to any medical treatment. Once medically cured, they must shave off all their hair and will not be allowed to enter buildings, including their own homes, for a week after clerical officials confirm the cure. They may not sleep in boxes or tents.

Seventy-three hog farmers and an apparent Democrat who attempted to mount a protest on the steps of the state capitol died of heart attacks while being arrested.