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DO YOU WANNA LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF? CLICK HERE

 
***REALITYMATRIX***
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01/01/2010 08:52 PM
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DO YOU WANNA LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF? CLICK HERE
Someone sent me this and I thought i would share it with everyone. Can you read this without laughing?









New Mexico Chili Cook Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.


For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza..

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno pepper s make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.

Last Edited by *REALITY MATRIX* on 01/01/2010 08:53 PM
***REALITYMATRIX*** (OP)

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01/01/2010 08:55 PM
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Re: DO YOU WANNA LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF? CLICK HERE
lmao
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 08:58 PM
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Thanks for the laughs. I needed that.
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:01 PM
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laugh
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:03 PM
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hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Sir.Kalin

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01/01/2010 09:05 PM
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lmao

That was great, thanks.
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blackcat66
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01/01/2010 09:09 PM
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LOL. Thanks for posting it. Needed to laugh.
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:10 PM
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chuckle
just a goy
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01/01/2010 09:10 PM
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thnx was funny
reminded me of the night my bro took me for a curry
no free beer but i got absolutely wrecked trying to wash the hot taste away
I pebble dashed the toilets
hahaha havent been back since
aintnomoretime

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01/01/2010 09:11 PM
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rofl OMG, I laughed so hard I went into a coughing fit! That was hysterical!
You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in.
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Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
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Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:12 PM
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LMAO!!! That is some funny shit op, thanks.
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:13 PM
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And oldie but a goodie!
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:15 PM
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your amazing dude!!!

lmao banana2 hf

"ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI "
mopar28m
Lev. 23:1-8

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01/01/2010 09:15 PM

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I didn't laugh, I've read that story too many times, except that its Texas chili.
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Racin​g to end vaccinations.
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:17 PM
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Is this real?
If so, it's fucking hilarious.
Chaz

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01/01/2010 09:19 PM
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I have tears rolling, funniest stuff I've read in a while!! Thanks OP!
ANNONYMOUS
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01/01/2010 09:21 PM
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5a

Thanx Real for the first REAL GREAT LAUGH of 2010!
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:27 PM
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Just read this again and its still hilarious.
StarKissed

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01/01/2010 09:29 PM
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lmao

Can't stop laughing
"Life should not be measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:31 PM
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2nd or 3rd time for me but I still laughed my ass off
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:34 PM
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1994 called

It wants its joke back
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:42 PM
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THAT SHIT WAS FUNNY!!!!! I just ate spicy sloppy joe's too...kinda like chilli....added dave's insanity with some brown sugar and hot salt along with red, green, and yellow peppers, and some rattlesnake shake to add some zap....this post was a perfect desert!
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:42 PM
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1994 called

It wants its joke back
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 853519

lame....who cares...it was funny...
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:46 PM
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Theres no hope for me, I didn't laugh, it sounded scripted and unimaginative.
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:58 PM
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:clownbomb:
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:58 PM
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1rof1 lmao lol rofl applause bump
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 09:59 PM
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Like The AV OP

Take me to your dealer! lmao
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 10:00 PM
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that took me 20 minutes to read. no joke..

after #1 and #2 i could barley read #3 because i was laughing so hard each and every time..
***REALITYMATRIX*** (OP)

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01/01/2010 11:28 PM
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Like The AV OP

Take me to your dealer! lmao
 Quoting: RememberThis

hf
***REALITYMATRIX*** (OP)

User ID: 764070
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01/01/2010 11:36 PM
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1994 called

It wants its joke back
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 853519


Don't be a buzz kill
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2010 11:40 PM
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Theres no hope for me, I didn't laugh, it sounded scripted and unimaginative.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 822427


+1.

Scripted and fake = not funny.

1 star.

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