I feel bad for you lonely GLP losers on Valentines Day

I feel bad for you lonely GLP losers on Valentines Day. Personally, I have a brightly colored tissue box stuffed full of Valentines. I'm also in several, meaningful relationships, as well as a few purely sexual ones; not
to mention one fairly abusive one with the 14 year old runaway chained up in the basement.

OK, feel bad is probably too strong a term. I could really care less about you. But my job is spreading joy so that's what I'd like to do.

Valentines Day always reminds me what a stupid place full of suckers the world really is. I don't understand why they have a holiday dedicated to love. They should have a holiday dedicated to hate. Hate is so much better
than love. Love is bullshit. Most people go their whole life without being loved by anyone, and without loving anyone back. But hate is just the opposite. Everyone is hated, and everyone has tons of people that they
hate.

Everyone is always confused about love. Do I love him? Is it puppy love or true love? I love you, but I'm just not in love with you. Who do I blame for this? I blame Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant. I think they should be
drawn and quartered in the town square. But then they should sew them back together but scramble up the parts so they would be these two crazy patchwork one breasted/half dicked/half pussied Julia Roberts/ Hugh Grant creatures. That would be awesome. And while they're at it they should hack up Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. Just hack them up and feed them to the kids.

But back to the hate. Hate is so beautiful and so pure. There's no confusion, there's no question. Do I really hate him? Yes, you do. Is it puppy hate or true hate? It's true, true, deep hate. I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you? Oh you're in hate with me alright you stupid mother
fucker. If ever something deserved to be celebrated, it's an International Day of Hate.

I propose Yadsenit N'elav, the anti-Valentine's Day. I think we should make Barack Obamas' birthday, August 4th, an international holiday to celebrate hate. A day dedicated to telling everyone you hate to fuck off. On Yadsenit N'elav you do not send people cards. Fuck you Hallmark, you're
not getting a dime.

Do I have to teach you people how to hate? On Yadsenit N'elav you don't give people anything. Instead, you take something nice from the people you hate. It doesn't have to be expensive; perhaps you take something of sentimental value. Is there anything better than seeing someone you hate
unhappy?

What about the flowers and candy you say? Valentine's Day has flowers and candy. Fine. Go to the yard of someone you hate and dig up all of their flowers. Happy? Eat a box of expensive chocolates and then stick your finger down your throat and Mary-Kate that chocolate right back into the
box. Give that to somebody you hate. Pour it out in their car.

The best thing about making a holiday about hate is it's a great way to avoid getting in trouble for being the miserable cunt you truly are. When your boss, or your teacher, or the police start to give you problems, you
just tell them, "I'm celebrating my holiday you fuckbag! What are you the fucking Taliban?" Nobody wants to be compared to the Taliban and they will let you go on your way.

So go find Cupid and shove his quiver full of arrows up his ass. If you can't find Cupid, any winged baby will do. Just be sure and go out and spread the hate. You know you have plenty to go around, so don't be stingy about it.